And all this is just useless emotional energy spent when really I just, simply, want to STOP, but then when I stop, I'm alone. And then I have the urge to call up XW and say, please, just come home. Except - when I talk to her, she's not really her anymore, there IS nobody to come home, except maybe that's who she was all the time after all and, oops, off we go again.
And so it feels like I'm stuck, except I'm really not, because I'll go home, I'll eat something, I'll mow the grass or wash the dog or something, things will get done, and I'll come back to work tomorrow, and time will pass, I'll live my life, and sooner or later things will be different. I know because that's what's happened already. Things are different than they were a month ago, or last winter, or last fall. So I struggle with looking for some event, making something happen, that will be some milestone, or signal that I'm in the next phase - some SOLUTION that will change things, because that's my nature. But nothing changes things. I really have this feeling that I just want to rest, sit still and be calm with someone that loves me, but it's more like I've got a pulled muscle, I can't get comfortable, and I really just need to keep working, alone, at being OK.
Wow....I so relate to all of that... My mom thinks I need to just 'really move on' however that looks to her. I am moving the only way I can right now, if it is slow motion to others, that isn't my problem! Hang in there G...
