WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

journaling

just got off the phone with the crisis counsellor
again. it takes two to make a marriage work.
in other words, he's obviously checked out so i need to give up.
focus on the things you can control.
and what would that be?
i really don't know.

i feel like h and i are leading completely separate lives now.
it's as if we don't know each other at all anymore.

i'm not sure what kind of work needs to be done.
but i feel angry again.

it's 2 am. i need to get some sleep.

[Forrest Gump]

"i am afraid of having the wrong game plan.
it's like you have one chance at this."

You will find that this is likely not true. You do need a plan. I have seen people do all sorts of things and it not change things either way. Your chances are equal either way you look at it. Your chances don't change at all if you never try. It is a fine line. Like everything else we do in life.

"forrest, you know how some people say that men want what they can't have? the only way that h will know that he can't have me is if i am with someone new. because he knows that i'm not the type to date. i really don't want to date others. but i can't help but think .. would that wake him up?"

It is a option. It has worked. If you can go into the dating with the understanding that it goes no further than male company.. then I am OK with it. If you are going to have fun and not looking to cover up your hurt.. or build a lasting R with someone. Again.. it's OK. I don't recommend it.. for you.. simply based on your frame of mind. You are doing things for the wrong reason's. Your actions.. whatever they are.. need to not have "I am doing this to get you back" in them anywhere. This is what they are looking for.. and what they will run from.

So to sum up dating.. it is OK.

For you right now.. I recommend you stay away from it.

I don't agree that men want what they can't have. It is the "illusion" that is attractive. How many times have you heard the story of a man chasing a woman.. then dropping her as soon as he had her? It's the "illusion" that creates the emotion.. I gotta have her. I always knew that I would marry my wife. Never did I expect it to be under the conditions that it happened in. Never at anytime did I think I could not "have" her.

"btw, i'm actually afraid of dating. you told me in an previous post that i should not put myself in a situation with another man. i am really naive and i am afraid that i would unwittingly put myself in a dangerous situation. could i make my h realize that he can't have me without being with someone else? or is this a bad game plan?"

Again.. see above on dating. From an outside perspective.. I think most of your actions have shown him that he can't have you. Hence the quick departure on his part. DB.. tells us.. stop what does not work. Do what does work. You figure this out by testing. Even the LRT has a window of "chance" where you test it.

"i want my BFF back.
i want to be able to laugh with him."

Lets start here.. How would you do this if it was your BFF.. and he was not your H?

"coach was db-ing me in the post."

yes.. yes he was.

"what kind of emotion did you get from coach's question post? i looked at it from a pure "technical" standpoint. it was like an interview and i just use my brain and not my heart to answer. no heart involved = no emotion for me."

Frustration.. not getting anywhere. The posts were just getting more and more vindictive. It was becoming an exercise in futility. Coach was creative with his thinking.

"i could have ignored it and continued to rant. but for my own mental well-being, i had to try."

So.. you had a choice? What do you think would have happened if you chose not to answer the questions? Did it matter to Coach whether you answered the questions or not?

This is what I say when you need to be creative.. and make statements. Its clearly not what you say.. but how you say it.

"my next anxiety attack will come when we have to sit down with the mediator and hammer out the remainder of our agreement. what happens in that room will make or break me."

Ya think? So how do you prepare for that? What should you be doing? I thought you said you have no idea when you will "see" him. Seems to me they are gonna put it on a calendar and give you a date and time. L are nice like that ya know.

"with h it is different because the heart is involved.
if i remove the heart and he becomes just an ordinary joe, then that would mean i have no feelings for him."

My heart is not involved in this posting. I have nothing to loose.. and nothing to gain. I am just an ordinary joe. Do you think I have no feelings for you? Do you think I don't care?

"i don't know what i am anymore."

Fix this..

"i no longer have that effect on him."

This will come with you fixing above.

"oh boy. this i really need. i average around 5 hrs a night. not good for me."

So.. once again.. you know what to do.. but refuse to do it. Are you gonna tell me you are afraid of the dark or something? The weight loss(not eating).. the not sleeping.. you don't understand the effect it has on you. These are simple things to fix.

With great benefits.

I will be back for the other part of your post.. later.

The post that I linked that was on FB2's stitch.. they linked to my "catch up" story. FB2 says if you want more info about FG and there were 2 links. I will try and see where they are hidden at now.


Hope you had a good weekend.. I gotta do some Work.. and get them bills paid!

[Coach]

focus on the things you can control.
and what would that be?

Your goals, action plan to achieve those goals and then getting feedback and making modifications as needed.


Manage your energy it really helps. Sleep, food, water, prayer, exercise, social time = taking care of yourself.

[DumpedforMIL]

here we go again ....

Manage your energy it really helps. Sleep, food, water, prayer, exercise, social time = taking care of yourself.

i took a day off again today.
it's not a good habit to get into.
didn't sleep so well so i took a day off to recharge.

i spent a lot of time thinking about what i wanted out of life.
if i want kids, what's stopping me from doing that now?
you don't need a man for that anymore.
i don't want to spend the next few years looking for someone who will turn out to be a mistake anyway.

i don't want to wake up when i'm 45 and ask myself, what do i want?

i'm asking myself that question now.
i don't have to give up my dream of having children or owning a home.

if d is inevitable anyway, i shouldn't wait until the papers are signed.
that would be time wasted. and i've already wasted too much time on someone who didn't give a rat's behind in the end.

life is too short.

[DumpedforMIL]

You will find that this is likely not true. You do need a plan. I have seen people do all sorts of things and it not change things either way. Your chances are equal either way you look at it. Your chances don't change at all if you never try. It is a fine line. Like everything else we do in life.

i wish someone would spell out a plan for me.
nobody seems to approve of my plan.
i wanted to buy a home. and i'm being told it isn't the right thing to do in my current state.
today, i want to have a baby. and i'm being told i'm not in the right frame of mind.

the common theme is to wait a while.
the same people who are telling me not to buy a house and not to have a baby, are the same people who are telling me to move on. these are family and friends.

family and friends are supposed to know what's best for you. then why are they telling me to move on but i can't do the things i want to do to move on?

i'm totally confused.

it's like the one night stand thing. move on, yet don't get into a relationship with someone else. they also like to point out that i'm still married. well, no i'm not. i'm alone. i've wasted my time on someone who decided to discard me. so why am i doing all of this again?

i think the crazy jane is back. please let me vent.

I don't recommend it.. for you.. simply based on your frame of mind. You are doing things for the wrong reason's. Your actions.. whatever they are.. need to not have "I am doing this to get you back" in them anywhere. This is what they are looking for.. and what they will run from.

i'm sure someone won't have a problem going out with me purely for sex. hell, i'll even bring the lingerie.

Lets start here.. How would you do this if it was your BFF.. and he was not your H?

this would require contacting him.
and at this point, even i don't want to contact him.

My heart is not involved in this posting. I have nothing to loose.. and nothing to gain. I am just an ordinary joe. Do you think I have no feelings for you? Do you think I don't care?

forrest. i so need to vent.

So.. once again.. you know what to do.. but refuse to do it. Are you gonna tell me you are afraid of the dark or something? The weight loss(not eating).. the not sleeping.. you don't understand the effect it has on you. These are simple things to fix.

ok. i don't want another crazy post. i don't want to keep digging. so i'll cut to the chase.

i skipped work today. i simply did not want to get out of bed. i thought a lot about what i wanted to do with my life. the advice seems to be work on myself and figure out what i need in an m or r.

my personal goal is to own a home. i had one and then lost it. i'm not after the same calibre of home. i want a simple home. one i get to decorate myself. truly make it my own. something i can be proud of.

my family isn't crazy about me buying a home here. they would rather i move home. i couldn't afford a home in the city my parents live in. the cost of living is higher.

is this an emotional decision? i don't know. it's something i've always wanted. when i think about making it happen, nothing else matters. i am focused on this, it's all that i think about. i went to the bank to inquire about getting a small mortgage. to know that i can borrow the amount i want, it's like one step closer to my goal. when i think about it, my mind just straightens itself out.

when i have no goal, my mind wanders aimlessly and i can't focus. i start acting, talking, and behaving crazy. i begin to call and tell people about my crazy ideas.

today, i called a friend and said i want to go to sperm bank and have a baby. i have thought about that too. my goal was to have a family. since having sex with random strangers is not recommended, why not go to a sperm bank and get it done that way?

i don't want to wake up when i'm 45 yrs old and then be asking myself "ok, what do i want to do?". what's wrong with doing it now?

the weight thing. i can't help it if my body doesn't absorb the nutrients. i am eating. i eat healthy. i don't eat junk. but it doesn't seem to matter how much i eat. i'm losing weight anyway.

you have no idea how friggin' tired i am of hearing how i've lost so much weight. just tonight at squash, some friends i haven't seen in months .. told me that i've super thin. i wasn't fat before. but my face has caved in like michael jackson. yes, i lost weight ok?! i lost weight. i'm not anorexic. i'm not bulimic. it happens.

i'm also tired of hearing everybody ask me where my h is. i have no friggin' clue where he is. please don't ask me where he is or why he didn't join the club. everybody says we made such a great couple. how nobody saw any issues between the two of us. we were inseparable. well .. things change. people change. and i don't want to be the one answering those questions. he's not around. i have no friggin' clue where he is .. he could be screwing 10 women at once right now. i don't know. if you really want to know why we aren't together, ask him. don't ask me. cuz honestly, even i don't know.

i don't even want to call him my h anymore. i'm so angry because i have no closure. i'm angry because of what he's doing and i have no idea what i did to cause him to be so vindictive. i wasn't greedy. i behaved like the WAW. the thing about d is that the one who initiates it gets to eat cake. they don't have to tell you why they want a d. they can also be angry and be greedy and take everything. but they can also move on and nobody will tell them that they should wait before making a big decision.

here i am. i have no closure.
i also have to sit here and watch him be vindictive.
watch him move on and get everything he wants in life.
he gets to buy the house.
he gets to make plans.
if he wanted to date, nobody would stop him.
it would be okay. cuz he's moved on.

what about me?
i can't get into a bunch casual relationships because it's not right.

i can't buy a house because i shouldn't make a decision based on emotion. well .. he did. he bought a house. so why can't i?

i want to have children. and i'm not going to wait around for the right person and do it the traditional way.
there are ways to have children without another man.

all i get is - work on yourself. eat, sleep, go out. well, going out is a short term fix. i'm looking for a long term solution. the house was my long term solution. i want to do this. for me.
i have something to prove. that i don't need anybody in order to stand on my own two feet.
i don't want to hear the words "start over".
starting over implies that i've failed. i didn't fail. i didn't ask for the d.
i don't want to start over. i want to pick up from where i left off. and continue going.
i don't want to stop travelling to the places i want to go.
i don't want to stop living because i am by myself.
so let me do what i want to do. let me do what i want to do in order to make me get through this.

my plan is to take a week long vacation somewhere far.
i will drive until there is no gas left in the tank.
if and when i come back, i'll want to plunk down money for a house.
equity is important to me now. i'm so ready for this.
i also want to think about having children on my own.
adoption is too expensive and too long of a process.
i will inquire about fertility treatment tomorrow. my file is still active at the clinic.

as randy pausch said .. brick walls were put into place to let you know how badly you want something.

ok. time for bed. i need to get up and go to work tomorrow.

[Coach]

i think i made mistakes in my m. i think i overreacted at times when i shouldn't have, and i underreacted on occasions when i probably should have put my foot down. i have learned that my 'look' is quite threatening. i don't hide my feelings when i am being snarky. i make it known that you don't f*k with me. i never wanted to be pushed around by anybody. and i think i took it to a bit of an extreme. btw, when his parents left after christmas, i gave his mother the "look" when she looked at me with teary eyes. i saw through that act as she said how she could not live without her son.

i think i'm strong. when i use my head and not my heart, i am make good decisions. that is the GG that my friends, colleagues, and family see. i hate relationships because the heart is now involved. the part of me that i guarded for so long. the look must come from the heart. cuz i don't have a "look" when i use my brain.

Why don't you use "the look" at work, with friends and family?

Did "the Look" really convey how you felt?

[Coach]

when i have no goal, my mind wanders aimlessly and i can't focus. i start acting, talking, and behaving crazy. i begin to call and tell people about my crazy ideas.

Really???? Who knew.

i wish someone would spell out a plan for me.

Make three dozen cupcakes. Think win-win. What will help you, help you possibly reconcile or make you stronger, wiser and better for the future?

One dozen cupcakes are for you.

Take another dozen to work or give to your neighbors.

The last dozen is for your husband. This is a reason to make contact with no expectations.

as randy pausch said .. brick walls were put into place to let you know how badly you want something.

What is the "wall" you speak of? What is it really made of? Two pains in life - the pain of regret or the pain of discipline. You choose.

is this an emotional decision?

You are pure emotion right now. How does one get the emotions under control? Do you like being in this state of being? You can't DO until you BE, then you can HAVE.


Who else wants some cupcakes?

Cheers

[DumpedforMIL]

Make three dozen cupcakes. Think win-win. What will help you, help you possibly reconcile or make you stronger, wiser and better for the future?

with the amount of anger in me, i honestly cannot see how we can reconcile. if there is a brick wall, it would be me and my anger.

i've never been so overwhelmed by anger in my life.
the only things that i've learned from this are that you can't trust anybody and there is no such thing as a best friend.

The last dozen is for your husband. This is a reason to make contact with no expectations.

with the amount of anger in me, i'd actually put poison in his cupcakes.

What is the "wall" you speak of? What is it really made of? Two pains in life - the pain of regret or the pain of discipline. You choose.

i regret getting married.
i regret everything i did for the a*hole.

i feel like that "wall" are those around me. those who tell me that i need to wait before making such a decision. those who are supposed to be experts and guide me by telling me that he's ahead of me and that i need to catch up. when i tell them how i plan to catch up, i am told to wait. it's not right to confuse someone who is already confused and asking for help. because the more you tell me not to do something, i will go ahead and do it.

You are pure emotion right now. How does one get the emotions under control? Do you like being in this state of being? You can't DO until you BE, then you can HAVE.

a lot of decisions are made based on emotion.
i don't know how to get emotions under control.
i just want to run away. leave and go somewhere where nobody knows me and i don't know anybody.
starting over, you say? no. i just don't want to be asked about my past. call it avoiding, running away from responsibility.
i've kept so much bottled up. i'm like a molotov cocktail right now.
there is so much more inside that has to come out.
i absolutely hate being in this state. i hate myself and wish this part of me would die.

i just can't let this affect my job performance. my professional reputation is clean and very good right now. i've screwed up one part of my life, can't screw up the rest.

[Coach]

i've kept so much bottled up. i'm like a molotov cocktail right now.
there is so much more inside that has to come out.

I agree. Get it out in a healthy way - vent, exercise, talk to friends, go to IC, journal, scream in a pillow.

IMO you are angry at yourself for not speaking up for your needs and expressing how you really felt. Understand your feelings, identify the source, feel your emotions and know that is how you feel and it's OK. The lack of boundaries in your marriage is a big issue.

All that anger needs to come out. Release it, let it fly, deal with it, enjoy feeling instead of stuffing, anger is a sign you aren't done.

You can handle it.

[DumpedforMIL]

IMO you are angry at yourself for not speaking up for your needs and expressing how you really felt. Understand your feelings, identify the source, feel your emotions and know that is how you feel and it's OK. The lack of boundaries in your marriage is a big issue.

yes, i am angry at myself for not speaking up.
and now it's too late.
there were no boundaries.
i don't like having to deal with this mess.

All that anger needs to come out. Release it, let it fly, deal with it, enjoy feeling instead of stuffing, anger is a sign you aren't done.

i don't understand - a sign that i'm not done?
because i haven't said my piece and i'm ready to let it rip during mediation?
i wasted my time on an a*hole. and i hate myself for having done that.