My story in a nutshell: Husband left me 3 1/2 weeks ago. Last conversation was HORRIBLE! We have had no contact for 2 weeks because he told me never to call him again - so I haven't.
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY .....
He called twice this morning (I was still asleep, didn't get his messages until a few minutes ago). He wants to come over today to drop off checks/pay bills and pick up any mail for him that post office has not yet forwarded to his new address.
I told him that now is not a good time for me. We haggled on the time until finally arriving at an agreed upon time of 7pm this evening - when he gets finished golfing.
I don't want him over here now because I haven't showered yet or anything. I want to be clean, have my hair and makeup done and have on nice clothes when he gets here. I want him to see me in a good light - even if he does hate me, and even if I am falling apart inside. I at least want to have the appearance that I've got a life, that I'm moving forward and somewhat happy.
Having read DR and almost all of SSM, I feel armed with knowledge, so I'm not going to cry, nag, pursue, beg, plead, or any of that crap. I'm just going to be cheerful and happy and try to look my best. Maybe - just maybe he'll realize what he's missing/throwing away.
In another thread, where my story is posted, one of the posters suggested I contact him and apologize to him for my part in all of this (this was before today's new developments), and I decided against doing this because it isn't a good idea at this time - since I was told in unequivocal terms never to call him. When he says never to call him what he really means is ... never to call him.
Should I apologize and not expect anything from him in return, basically, just say what I need to say and leave it at that? Or, should I not do this at this time?
How should I act? What should I say or do? What should I NOT do? HELP!!!!!!! I don't want to blow it - I have been in constant prayer for the restoration of my marriage and family, and a complete change for the better in our relationship. Obviously, I will continue to pray throughout the day, but I would like some really good advice and suggestions from people who have been in my shoes, or who are in my shoes now. Thank you so much, you guys!!!!!
Get his mail together, when he gives you checks say "Thank you, and if he says he's sorry or something like that, say "Me too".
Take your power back. You are giving it all to him. No chasing, no arguing, and so on. Trust that whatever happens in the future (and you have never known what the future was going to bring), you can handle it... because you CAN.
I am not sure you are in a place where you can do this and have it be genuine, but if staying calm and civil is a 180 for you, and you can handle it, try to just be nice and not talk too much.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Do not initiate any R talk at all...if he starts talking, just validate with "I understand" "I can see how you feel that way" etc. Do not let him pull you in to any R conversation.
Yes, look good, act confident, calm, nice as if you were dealing with a business associate but that is it. You could meet him at the door and give him the mail and the bills.
Haven't read your full sitch so hope this helps!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thanks you guys! I'm nervous and anxious, but trying to keep my cool. I'm going to put on something nice, but try not to look like I'm going out on a date or anything. I don't want him to think I have a date, then he gets pissed off and starts dating! I hate these kinds of decisions!!! So far, I'm loving the advice. I truly, truly appreciate it. Thank you.
Not really sure how that went. I hope I didn't blow it. I was calm, pleasant, cheerful, wore a pretty dress, smelled really good ... I was lookin' good! So, I maintained my composure, he came wrote out some checks, took some bills with him, and went to get into his car and leave.
Just before he left (through the garage door - the same way he came in),he said he would be back next Sunday to check on us to see how we're doing, if we need anything. That's when I opened my big mouth and may have blown it!
I asked him if instead of using the garage door opener and coming into the house, if he would please use the front door and ring the doorbell or knock. He said "well, that's awfully petty of you. I have to ring the doorbell of my own house, when I am making the house payments!" Then he left.
Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I don't know why I said that. Well, actually, I do know why. I said it because he left us and moved out voluntarily. Nobody asked him to move out. Since he no longer lives here, he should knock or ring the doorbell like everybody else who doesn't live here. Yes, I know, I'm "right", but it's probably set me back several steps. I'm kinda bummed.
Oh, and no, he didn't mention anything about me all dressed up either. Didn't say anything, didn't ask where I was going or where I had been. Nothing. I pretty much expected that anyway. But, maybe he'll think about me.
Thank you, Confused. I appreciate the reassurance. Man oh man, there aint nothin' like being all dressed up and no place to go! LOL
Me and my kids are going to see what's on our premium channels and watch a movie and eat fettucini alfredo and chicken. I have to do something to feel "normal" again!
Since my husband has apparently decided that Sundays are going to be the day he comes over to check up on us, pick up unforwarded mail, drop off checks for various things that need to be paid, etc. I plan to make one of his favorite dishes on Sunday, be fixed up again, and ask if he'd like to stay and have dinner with us (me and the kids). If he says no, I'll probably be kinda crushed, but looking on the bright side ... at least we'll have a good meal, whether he chooses to partake of it or not. What do you guys think?
So, I maintained my composure, he came wrote out some checks, took some bills with him, and went to get into his car and leave.