help with a plan

[flowmom]

IDU, just catching up on your thread. I am so glad to read that you'll be going to MC. It's no quick fix but I hope that it will give you both clarity about yourselves and your M.

I have never been and don't know what to expect. If anyone has any insight, I would appreciate it. How will I or the counselor be able to tell if she is there to save the M or save face? Will it be obvious? Or should I just go and let things happen?

H and I were in MC Dec 2008-May 2009. At the time, I didn't realize that H was just there to save face, because he was saying all the right things "I want to make this M work" etc. But it became rapidly obvious that his actions didn't match his words...the C didn't challenge him on just being there to save face, but she put the onus on him to make changes to make our M work. She said I was doing the work, making myself vulnerable, communicating, etc. Eventually we got to the point that she said that we were at an "impasse" because H wasn't taking the necessary steps. Then we stopped going. I thought we were taking a break, but I guess at that point H was totally done.

I think that some people can pull the wool over a C's eyes, and I think that Cs can be biased towards one spouse too, and take sides (which is bad for the process if if the C sides with you). Keep your eyes open and pull the plug on MC if you don't trust the process. Unfortunately, I think that effective MC is less common than it should be. It's great that your MC is pro-M at least...that's a good start.

Hang in there IDU (((hugs))). You're doing great.