I am confused that I am here. I think as I explain my situation many will agree that I have received mixed messages and have a very confused spouse. I am hoping to at least feel better by writing this out. Ideally I would receive some words of wisdom. I keep looking for quick fixes to the issues and reminding myself there are no quick fixes.
A little background. We have been together 28 years, married 26 this month. Ages 49 and 48. Two kids—16 and 19, one just finished first year of college, other in high school. A good family life and financially stable. About 18 months ago we went to see a counselor, the best in our town I’ve been told since then. He wanted to stop seeing the counselor. I was reluctant to stop, but I agreed to do so. Our major issue has been a lack of true communication. The day to day of life often interfered. While seeing the counselor things were good. As life started coming at us more, we failed to use the lessons we learned.
Forward to 5/23. I learned innocently the prior day that he had given a significant sum of money to a family member without telling me. This particular family member has been a source of problems for us in the past. (not a parent or sibling btw) On 5/22 I had grabbed the mail and opened a bank statement as I often do. Nothing sneaky or devious intended. The envelope resealed as if never opened. Instead of saying anything at the time I just put it with the rest of the mail, pretended I saw nothing and waited to see his reaction. I didn’t say a word about it that day. The morning of 5/23 as calmly as I could I went to him and asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me never expecting the conversation that was to follow. He wanted out of the marriage. He could not be married anymore, had been unhappy for 10 or 15 years, would not see a counselor again, made the decision last summer that the marriage was over (just months after he ended the counseling), and would be moving out probably this summer.
A further discussion later in the week revealed the following: (mostly quoting him) At the core of his soul he can’t be married. The wants, needs, and expectations of marriage are too much for him. He wants a good, personal relationship, but not a marriage. Wants to continue to have a family relationship. Control and boundary issues haunt his life.
I have been doing various things in the week since this all happened. I could/will write more, but I want to get some reactions first. I am getting mixed messages from him. I am paralyzed with fear that the next thing I do will be wrong thing. I am trying to have hope. I picked up Divorce Remedy the next day and have read and reread and reread. I am a bit confused about which way to move next.
Sorry for the length of this post. I’ve been keeping it all in and my mind is still moving like a top. Thoughts/advice?
