She has mentioned that she would be interested in seeing the MC on an individual basis to work through her issues. I will continue to go and maybe she will want to go as a couple soon enough.
Then that's ICing, not MCing, and I wouldn't call that "working on the marriage."
It sounds to me like she's just looking to STALL you. Just my perspective.
She then looked at me and said she wants to work on our marriage. She said that she really wants this to work. She mentioned that she can't offer herself to me romantically at this time because she is still angry and is working through that.
THIS, right here, is the fulcrum you need to get this back to, FFH. Your response here needs to be "I understand. And I think you'll find me more than patient on that issue. Now, this is what I need, in order to feel safe in the relationship going forward . . . "
And then you tick off your 3 or 4 or 5 "dealbreakers"/boundaries.
Your wife, it seems to me -- the one who has strayed from the marriage and from her vows recently -- has structured this as "Let me tell you what I WON'T do," (joint MCing, sexual intimacy), but she has it backwards. When a recently-straying spouse wants to return to the marriage to "work on it," it is the BETRAYED spouse who gets to lay out the boundaries -- not the recently-straying spouse!!!
I took everyones advice and had a talk with my W lastnight. We sat on the couch and had a long discussion. We laughed and we cried but I told her that I can't work on this marriage if there is OM. She insisted that there is nobody else and she was ready for a D but wants to work on things for us and our son.
She got very emotional about even thinking about having another relationship if we were to D. She offered to cancel her FB page and stop using the computer if that would re-assure me that there was no one. I told her I don't want to live like that, I just don't think it would be fair to work on soemthing if your working on something else.
I've taken some measures and I'm looking into if there is OM, I hope it doesn't consume me.
She explained that the past 2 years of us fighting and the hurtful things that were said has completley wiped out her self esteem, confidence and she feels lost. She has noticed the change in me and is upset that I waited this long to make the changes. I told her that she can make the same changes, she just needs to work on it.
She said she hasn't had anytime to work on herself. I let her know that I can help more with our son so she can have some alone time. She works p/t and is also home with our son all day so I see where some alone time is needed.
I told her that I'm happy she wants to work on the marriage but MC is a priority, she agreed to go. Our MC said that she would like to see us individually and as a couple time to time.
We went to bed and she asked me to hold her. It was nice to cuddle but I feel like I still need to keep my guard up so I don't fall back to square 1. I so want to trust her so I can move forward on working on the other issues.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
She got very emotional about even thinking about having another relationship if we were to D. She offered to cancel her FB page and stop using the computer if that would re-assure me that there was no one. I told her I don't want to live like that, I just don't think it would be fair to work on soemthing if your working on something else.
She was offering you transparency here. Why on earth did you turn her down???
My wife called me at work this morning and was upset about the talk we had lastnight. She felt like I was accusing her of having OM and she says there is nobody. She deleted her FB page and said she doesn't need it and was tired of me monitoring her.
The conversation got heated and she started getting angry. She said that she will not be told what to do. She also said that she wants to work on the marriage for our son's sake. She mentioned again that she isn't in love with me and worries that it won't come back.
I calmly said that staying together for our son doesn't sound healthy. She said that's all she can offer right now. Is this normal behavior???? Is it healthy to stay in a loveless marriage for your child? With the right help will can she regain that trust in me and fall back in love?
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
My wife called me at work this morning and was upset about the talk we had lastnight. She felt like I was accusing her of having OM and she says there is nobody. She deleted her FB page and said she doesn't need it and was tired of me monitoring her.
Deleting her FB page is her decision. Leave it alone. She made a decision about doing that - for whatever reason - and she will feel the way she feels about it. Not your problem to fix.
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The conversation got heated and she started getting angry. She said that she will not be told what to do. She also said that she wants to work on the marriage for our son's sake. She mentioned again that she isn't in love with me and worries that it won't come back.
She only said what I believe many WAWs think - that the feelings of love will not return. I thought it. What I learned is that Love is what you do - not what you feel. My H attracted me back to him, and I wanted to love (action verb) him. But I do remember fearing that I would stay numb. It takes time. So when she says that kind of thing, you don't need to jump in there and tend to it. Just understand. Don't fix. Keep being an attractive man. Confident. Strong. You know what you want - even if she doesn't yet.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
My wife called me at work this morning and was upset about the talk we had lastnight. She felt like I was accusing her of having OM and she says there is nobody. She deleted her FB page and said she doesn't need it and was tired of me monitoring her.
I would have responded "I'm sorry you feel that way. I certainly don't want to control you. I'm only telling you what I need in order to feel safe in the marriage again, considering the affair you already had, previously. This is what I need from my wife. If you don't feel you can provide that, I understand, and I appreciate your honesty. I guess I have some decisions to make."
The problem that I see with my W is she doesn't consider texting her boss about her problems an affair. It lasted for about a month and even though she continuously tells me it was nothing like that, it's hard to believe.
She has shown me pics of him on FB. She laughs about his looks and how she is shocked that I would think she would be attracted to someone like that. The bottom line is that they had a connection and she felt that she needed to confide in him.
Anyway, I'm going to take all this feedback and be the attractive, fun, energetic H. I'll see where that takes me and hopefully she will see a real change in myself.
I'm still checking to see if there is OM or OM2, etc....
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
She has shown me pics of him on FB. She laughs about his looks and how she is shocked that I would think she would be attracted to someone like that.
I know I'm sounding like a broken record here, but that's a huge red flag, standard affair "script" right there!
I am going by what you have posted to us, and the way she is acting and the things that she has said. The biggest red flag is her staunch unwillingness to even work on the problem.
Fighting ~ It's not about the looks (re: the funny looking boss)... it's the connection! If he is Listening to her, Considering her, Hanging on her words, Sharing thoughts and ideas with her...he could be 5 feet nothing, not a hair on his head and cross in the eyes, and she could fall madly in love with him. I mean, why would she feel a need to convince you by pointing out how physically unattractive he is to her? Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. If there is no EA, then she could simply say that and let you deal with your suspicions yourself. Why is she trying to fix your perception? Keep your radar up. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
