I wasn't really questioning or challenging, more just clarifying what I meant. it's a good dialogue, and an interesting question, isn't it? worthwhile things to contemplate when we're putting ourselves back together and perhaps learning to love again. I appreciate your transparency...and you're far more willing to evaluate these things than most people.
being abandoned can't help but affect our self-esteem. especially the process that seems to happen with infidelity when they make it all our fault, and add insult to injury. if you figure out how to control those "dark thoughts," please be sure to share how you've done it!!
what I'm dealing with, I think, is someone as wounded as I am, but as committed to healing as I am, with a complicated family situation. there is incredible potential here, but I don't know when he will be ready for a "serious" relationship, for the possibility of moving forward and exploring the potential. and that I could live with, I think, but I am aware he is casually dating several people closer to home, and my fear is that he will let down those walls with someone else and I'll be left out in the cold. the only commitment we have to each other is in a very deep friendship (with benefits :-) ) that he says another woman will have to accept. but I doubt that it wouldn't be too threatening; we've known each other too long, we know each other too well, we've walked together thru the hell of divorce, and...well, there's that very good physical thing going on too--albeit rather infrequently due to the distance. however...my new income will allow me to travel some, and perhaps we could meet somewhere in-between...anyway, I so wish I could just relax and enjoy, but the better and deeper and sweeter it gets, the tighter I want to hang onto it.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
so, Texas hottie prof was here again near the end of his visit "back home again in Indiana." and it was good. while I miss him--a lot--it was just a fun, relaxing, very comfortable time together. I feel as if I know him much better, we're more comfortable together, there's little awkwardness...and dammit, he just feels part of me at this point. I had sort of a stroke of genius; after dinner, I just drove around town for awhile, "sightseeing" but it gave him a very good opportunity to talk "like guys talk"--side by side, not face to face, and he opened up about many things. it was just a lovely time, so much so that I didn't have to feel worried or insecure about the future. and for me, that's saying something! no further pressure to date; there was a point where he talked about his own feeling pressured because of being the only man in my life with any intimacy at all...and that's kinda not true. physically, sure, but we got that out and got some light on it and I think some of the walls came down there. for me, the issue wasn't whether or not I should date (not currently going after it aggressively, but but that has less to do with him than my own adjusting to making myself happy and drama-free on my own). it was about his urgency to get the point across that I Gotta Do This--and it was his urgency, not mine. at this point it's kinda irrelevant, which feels healthy. in fact, everything about this feels healthy at this point, and normal. there's less intensity and we're just 2 people, not 2 broken and wounded individuals clinging to each other for dear life. kinda feels like we made it thru some bad stuff and while there's still healing to be done, we're just enjoying each other.
I miss him like crazy, and it will be a rough few days, but it will be okay.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
"he opened up about many things. it was just a lovely time, so much so that I didn't have to feel worried or insecure about the future. and for me, that's saying something! no further pressure to date; there was a point where he talked about his own feeling pressured because of being the only man in my life with any intimacy at all.."
Red flags!!! Red flags!!!
I'll admit I haven't been following along here, but when a guy is dating other women and tells you he feels pressured because you're not sleeping around too - he's a BAD BET! (I know - recently been there, done that!)
"he opened up about many things. it was just a lovely time, so much so that I didn't have to feel worried or insecure about the future. and for me, that's saying something! no further pressure to date; there was a point where he talked about his own feeling pressured because of being the only man in my life with any intimacy at all.."
Red flags!!! Red flags!!!
I'll admit I haven't been following along here, but when a guy is dating other women and tells you he feels pressured because you're not sleeping around too - he's a BAD BET! (I know - recently been there, done that!)
Reread Why Men Love Bitches - seriously.
Ellie
I don't think he's sleeping around, and I don't think he's encouraging me to do so either; it's honestly more about socializing, getting out there, dinner-and-a-movie kind of stuff. really.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I don't think he's sleeping around, and I don't think he's encouraging me to do so either; it's honestly more about socializing, getting out there, dinner-and-a-movie kind of stuff. really.
Ellie offers good warnings. But I believe you are centered, measured, and perceptive and purposefully slow in your movement here. I trust your instincts.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
thank you. believe me, I have been at the point when I thought exactly what Ellie was saying. however, with real conversation (and not my own projection), I see a real focus on "putting yourself out there" and not on self-medicating and running from feelings by distracting oneself. and it was very clear: go out, do fun things; not saying get married or sleep with people, just have fun and you'll learn about yourself.
and I -almost- trust my instincts too.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I think it's in the trying that teaches us. Are we ever completely done with ourselves? I doubt it. We need to be constantly readjusting, tweaking, nudging this little flaw, that small irritation, or increasing this good characteristic or expanding that brilliant part of us. It is a spiritual journey rather than a physical one we are told, and I think it is true. Once our youthful glow and energy is past, all we have is our character, our spirit, and that is where the true test begins, IMHO. We trust parts of ourselves, some of the time, and then there is a flash of inspiration and for a second we trust all of ourselves. Isn't the journey of Life just awesome?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think it's in the trying that teaches us. Are we ever completely done with ourselves? I doubt it. We need to be constantly readjusting, tweaking, nudging this little flaw, that small irritation, or increasing this good characteristic or expanding that brilliant part of us. It is a spiritual journey rather than a physical one we are told, and I think it is true. Once our youthful glow and energy is past, all we have is our character, our spirit, and that is where the true test begins, IMHO. We trust parts of ourselves, some of the time, and then there is a flash of inspiration and for a second we trust all of ourselves. Isn't the journey of Life just awesome?
WOW!!!!!!!!!!! that is absolutely beautiful!!!!! thank you so much!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
