Mila, I so feel for you. I’ve been out GALing and just caught up.
I also watch my H and think he’s just not attractive to me anymore. If I really look hard, he’s got very handsome features, but somehow they just aren’t pulled together in an attractive way anymore. He used to have a sparkle in his eye, dimples that were adorable. One woman at work once called him wholesome. He was boyishly good looking and just looked like a nice, sweet man. No more. He just looks different, older, harder, more like he’s been carved from stone. It’s hard, isn’t it? I was also with H everywhere we went, we were best friends and did everything together. It helps to detach a little when they are not that attractive, but the flip side is that it’s so hard to look and see the love and feel the compassion when you feel mild disgust when looking at them. It’s so hard to balance it and separate the person from the actions.
I feel the same way you do. Sometimes I think perhaps they will just stay together and live happily ever after. It doesn’t help, does it, that the statistics say it’s highly unlikely that the affair will last? Or that if it does last, that the marriage that results from it will last? I think to myself on average 2% of affairs make it to marriages and of those 75% end in divorce… but how long do those marriages last? They never say that, do they? Will these affairs end but it takes 10 years?
It just hurts and we’re all hurting and we are all here for you also.
It’s also not fair about the yardwork on top of all the rest of what you’re holding together. We as LBS’s have to take care of maintenance on our houses, keep the home clean, shop for groceries, take care of the children’s needs (if there are children), in some cases, take care of a business or rental house, pets, work full time, deal with depression, keep up a front, learn about MLC, read books, go to counseling, GAL, etc. It’s so much and some days you just want to curl up and scream. And add detachment to that list… AHHHHHH!!!! There, I feel better now. Give it a try.
Remember one of the most important lessons I learned… detachment (AND forgiveness, btw) comes in fits and starts. Do not be down on yourself when you think you are detached and then something drags you back in. NOR should you think your detachment wasn’t working. Detachment and forgiveness both have to be practiced. They do not happen like one day you wake up and say hey, I think I’ll be detached today. I know you know about detachment, I’m not lecturing you, I’m just reminding you that you may feel it today, and tomorrow he does something to drag you back. It does NOT mean you were a failure at detaching, it just means that it was not complete. And to be honest, I don’t think we ever want complete detachment.
I say this because I remember several times feeling detached and in my situation it seems to always come right before H does something to really kick me while I’m thinking I’m down. Not saying a bomb is coming in your life, but please be ready for anything. It’s almost like in my life, my H wants me right where he left me and if I move an inch, he kicks me a mile. Your H has the same tendencies.
And Jack you’re so right about tricks. I personally love the pink stiletto idea, but only because I think they’d be cute. I have a filter that I use for everything, every idea I come up with to do. It’s this… will I be comfortable maintaining this xyz for the rest of my life? Is it something I’d do if I had never met H. I find that this way, I do away with the tricks and truly am working on fulfilling myself. And I wind up happier for it.
And as for the dude ranch, my H does similar things to that. When I do something fun for the kids, he has to respond with doing something for them also. It’s like he has to prove that he can also be a fun dad and he doesn’t need me. Of course, what he’s missing is how much more fun and security the kids would have if we all did it together rather than doing it twice.
Glamgirl, another rule I recently came up with re: dressing up when going out is this… I took all my “comfy” clothes (read: ugly) and gave them to charity. Then I bought only nice clothing. That way I have no choice but to always look good. Some of those things are comfortable also, but just dressier looking comfy. Not grey sweats, but cute life guard sweats, that sort of thing. No t-shirts with words and print on them, but I do have t-shirts with lace and cute buttons, etc.
