"Yes they are actions! So the question is how do they fit in to the journey. Are they necessary actions? I know detachment is a necessity. Without learning this action you will be unable to move forward."
From Old Pilot on the LBS page.
I guess this is where I will be stuck until I break through some of what I think for me is mostly fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the realities of where I need to change. Fear of the effects of all this on the fam, and mojor abandonment issues.
In the end I know none of it is rational, because I cannot change it. I am falling back into these attempts at bargaining (at least it has moved a bit past pleading) because of a fear of things I cannot change anyway. SO...
The detaching struggle continues.
I am so glad of this place and the people here. Even if as I type I know I am talking to myself and working things through via my trusty keyboard, it is good to not feel so alone in the endeavor.
@TGrit--> I think part of the problem is that I do not know what I want, or that I am basing what I want on what I think "will work" to get back something that is gone.
Today I am really going to try and dig deep and find what it is I want post Dead M. This may hurt my W and cause more friction, but I do not think I will ever be able to move on if I do not take some kind of stand, set some kind of boundaries, and list some of MY wants.
She told me she feels selfish. IMO she damn well should. Throw my butt in the basement to keep up the bills and keep me out of the way and on the pay no mind list? She can play the cellar troll if she likes, but why on earth should the house in which I have SO much sweat equity and she not much other than trips to pick out new doo-dads become my prison? Then looking at me all doe-eyed and saying, "Well you will help out, won't you?" when I point out that even with the money coming in from me, she will never make the mortgage and the bills. So what do I want?
I want my house to remain a base for my kids to cling to during the mess that is to come. This will not be possible under her current fairy tale like scenario. I want my kids an unaffected by this as possible. The toughest one though is that I want the kids to know that I did everything in my power to get their Mom to go to some kind of counselling and get some kind of help, but it was just too late. THAT I do not think I can do, because of the boundaries that need to be set between this event between the two of us adults and the kids.
I also know that it is unfair to concentrate on the consequences of so many previous actions that both the W and I were part of...anyway I am obviously babbling now **exhale**
