spouse pining for someone who's unavailable...

[xin]

Does anyone has any experience with a WAS whose had an EA that did not develope into PA but still pining for that person?

I have been separated from my husband for about 2 mths and my husband is still pining for OW and would not consider reconciling with me.

The OW is married and she claimed that she is only a friend to my husband. My husband has also told me that she does not want to leave her husband for him. But as colleagues, they see each other everyday and my husband said they have kissed once when she came to our home to see him. But I know they didn't have a PA. After speaking to the OW, I feel that i can trust her when she agreed to reduce contact with my husband. I speak to my husband almost everyday and he does not seem to be going out or feeling that happy - which would be signs that he is having a PA,

My husband got angry with me when i suggested that I would be moving back into the same city soon so that we can see each other sometime. I feel this is the right thing to do, but is it really possible to save our marriage when he is in such a state of mind?

[robx]

Don't trust the OW, why would you?
Just because you exchanged a few words?
They've kissed once, it can happen again,
words are only words, observe her actions.

As for the hubby, "pining" away for this OW he can't have.

You don't live with your husband right now?

You have been separated for 2 months physically?

Observe reality here,
he wants what he can't have,
he can have you easily and that isn't what he wants right now.

Currently in his state of mind, you won't be able to reason with him, you won't be able to use words to convince him that the marriage is worth working on and investing effort in.

You could work on yourself and become a better person,
but that's not for him, that's for you.

Do you guys share a home?
Who suggested you move out?
Him or You?

[xin]

Hi robx,

We are physically separated - 4 hrs flight away. It was his suggestion and he persisted for 3 months. I finally gave in as it was just hurting so much to hear him ask for separation again and again when i was doing all i can to save our marriage. I tried going out more without him and trying not to ask for confirmation about our m.

I believe his EA would have started about 6 mths before our separation, even though i didn't noticed it then.

I believe they are not having a PA as my husband were still showing signs of physical attraction to me - and we slept together when i visited him a few weeks ago. But he told me the next day he still want us to be separated.

I believed the OW because it matched what my husband told me about her - that she still loves her husbanad and wants us to be able to reconcile. I think my problem is that my husband seems to think that because he has feelings for her, our marriage is doomed.

[TimeHeals]

I think my problem is that my husband seems to think that because he has feelings for her, our marriage is doomed

They all say things like that when they are having an EA or PA:

Variations:

1. If our M had a chance to work, I wouldn't feel this way.
2. I don't want to be in an R where I have done something like this.
3. I don't love you, or I wouldn't feel like this.

etc, etc.

The problem? No healthy boundaries to protect the M. It's a character issue more than anything. Plenty of people have problems in their M, but people with good character (healthy boundaries) don't cheat. Period.

And there is zero chance that your spouse will be able to work on your M or address his own character issues while he is still pursuing the OW. None. He can't really do it while that goes on no matter what he says.

[g450]

xin,

I had a similar situation. Before the bomb. My XW was having a long distance EA with her HS boyfriend from 36 years ago. She hid it from me very well.

She divorced me back in Feb 2010 and I found out about the affair a few months after the D was finalized.

I did recently notice that she has been on a plane trip a few weeks back so she could very well have made her EA into a PA post divorce.

But it is technically still an affair. Why?
Because the scumbag is married and has five kids and lives in Orlando.

I did email him one time and he also vehemently denied an affair even though I had email evidence of her telling him how much she loved him, calling him baby and my love, xoxox and crap like that. Terms I have not heard from her as a husband for years. It made me sick to my stomach.

Anyway I am ranting. Back to my point. There are two things I want you to consider. Never, ever assume that the EA has not been a PA. You may never get the evidence but it is a real possibility.

The other point I wanted to make is that if it is a "Romantic" EA such as with my XW, then you will be fighting a fantasy. And that may be harder than an actual human being.

I think in my XW's mind, her HS boyfriend could do no wrong. She envisions what he looked like when he was 18 instead his current age etc. She does not see or know of any of his flaws. The fact that he is knowingly cheating on his own wife by being in an EA with my XW seems to fly right over her head.

You can NOT compete with a fantasy. Best to use plan B and just let the fantasy die out by itself (if ever). Just take care of yourself and prepare for the worst as it most likely will happen.

[xin]

wow, i have read some many threads with advise to stick with the marriage despite an EA and PA. But i seemed to get advise to just give up. Is there anyone who thinks there is still hope?

I am considering moving back into the city my H is in, continue to live separately, and start to initiate meeting once a week. Would this help my H snap out of his fantasy? He wasn't happy when i suggested it - said something like "I don't know what you're planning, but i don't think it would work." Should i dismiss that or face the fact?

[gucci loafer]

Tell the OW that if she doesn't cut off ALL contact with your husband and make him KNOW that she means business and stick to it that you are going to expose this whole thing to her husband.

Let her see that she may be risking her marriage. That may scare her into telling you husband to leave her alone. He may then wake up