Well, H took off from work today. I wonder where he's going. It is probably better that I don't know. Why do I want to know? Is it because I want to be a part of his life still? Or because I want to punish myself by knowing what should be kept secret so I don't hurt? Part of me still feels like I possess him, I guess. He's taking off from work, which is the livelihood of this house, to do something he won't disclose to me. It feels like he's stealing from us... and I have to let go of that because it's his life and he has to make the mistakes or not. When he said he was leaving, I panicked and started immediately thinking of ways to figure out where he was going... why? Who really cares?
Anyway, he noticed my new vanity plate yesterday that used to be his mother's after she got D from his dad. (he cheated) He stood on the steps and looked at it and said "Does mom know you got that?" I said, yes, she helped me with it and thought it was a great idea. He just stared and I ignored him. We were on the way to the store to get food for family night. We stopped at the corner store where the cashier is also a dog sitter. I had asked her to come by this past weekend to care for the dogs, and she asked if I found someone to do it. I said yes, but H was not happy. He was home and thought I had meant to imply that he couldn't handle the dogs. Of course, that was part of it. Last time, he left them to poop all over the house... but he's more settled now, if that makes sense. He mostly stuck around this weekend and they were cared for. So now he is upset about those two things.
Then we found a 2 liter bottle of soda in the back of my car. I do not drink soda, never have. Have absolutely no idea where it came from, and I'm sure he thinks we were using it to drink with. No idea, but I gave it to the kids as a treat.
Anyway, lots of poking the tiger, but none of it was intentional. He's just not happy. I could feel the stress and almost anger coming off of him as we drove to the store last night. He recovered quickly, but it affected him a lot. Why? (just journaling here) Is it b/c I was moving on? Or did he think I was implying he was not capable of handling the house?
This morning the kids asked him for lunch money and I gave it to them. He didn't have any. H was not happy with himself over that. I'm sure we'll see that he has lunch money for them from now on. He's trying so hard to be "single dad" and the truth is, he doesn't see how little he does and how much I still do.
