H did "read" me last night. And asked what was wrong. He shouldnt have done that.
I am always surprised at how much he "stays", he doesnt run, he listens, he insists. I told him last night that the more I feel I should relax, the more afraid I am he will hurt me again and that the seemingly easy way out of this, would be to go our separate ways, it's like an urge I have to run... Seriously. Stay away to where he cant "touch" me. He was shocked hearing my fear coming out of my mouth so "vivid" and realising that I have built up big defense walls to protect myself. He was silent. And told me to look for help. That he is worried I am looking at things so black that I cant see the white parts. That unfortunately he cant change the past. That he deals with himself as well and hates what he has done but he cant change it.
He said to look at our present and the future. I talke dto him about connection I feel isnt there, about triggers, about thought stopping, about thoughts sharing and expressing feelings.
He asked about the weekend. If I had any triggers or bad thoughts. I told him a few examples and he asked me in surprise "you are kidding right? you couldnt be possible thinking of these things when we were there!!!". Sadly I was. But I was strong enough to not let them ruin our trip.
No matter how obssessed I sound, I think my H is growing, he is learning, he is listening. And that feels good. K
