WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

You will find that this is likely not true. You do need a plan. I have seen people do all sorts of things and it not change things either way. Your chances are equal either way you look at it. Your chances don't change at all if you never try. It is a fine line. Like everything else we do in life.

i wish someone would spell out a plan for me.
nobody seems to approve of my plan.
i wanted to buy a home. and i'm being told it isn't the right thing to do in my current state.
today, i want to have a baby. and i'm being told i'm not in the right frame of mind.

the common theme is to wait a while.
the same people who are telling me not to buy a house and not to have a baby, are the same people who are telling me to move on. these are family and friends.

family and friends are supposed to know what's best for you. then why are they telling me to move on but i can't do the things i want to do to move on?

i'm totally confused.

it's like the one night stand thing. move on, yet don't get into a relationship with someone else. they also like to point out that i'm still married. well, no i'm not. i'm alone. i've wasted my time on someone who decided to discard me. so why am i doing all of this again?

i think the crazy jane is back. please let me vent.

I don't recommend it.. for you.. simply based on your frame of mind. You are doing things for the wrong reason's. Your actions.. whatever they are.. need to not have "I am doing this to get you back" in them anywhere. This is what they are looking for.. and what they will run from.

i'm sure someone won't have a problem going out with me purely for sex. hell, i'll even bring the lingerie.

Lets start here.. How would you do this if it was your BFF.. and he was not your H?

this would require contacting him.
and at this point, even i don't want to contact him.

My heart is not involved in this posting. I have nothing to loose.. and nothing to gain. I am just an ordinary joe. Do you think I have no feelings for you? Do you think I don't care?

forrest. i so need to vent.

So.. once again.. you know what to do.. but refuse to do it. Are you gonna tell me you are afraid of the dark or something? The weight loss(not eating).. the not sleeping.. you don't understand the effect it has on you. These are simple things to fix.

ok. i don't want another crazy post. i don't want to keep digging. so i'll cut to the chase.

i skipped work today. i simply did not want to get out of bed. i thought a lot about what i wanted to do with my life. the advice seems to be work on myself and figure out what i need in an m or r.

my personal goal is to own a home. i had one and then lost it. i'm not after the same calibre of home. i want a simple home. one i get to decorate myself. truly make it my own. something i can be proud of.

my family isn't crazy about me buying a home here. they would rather i move home. i couldn't afford a home in the city my parents live in. the cost of living is higher.

is this an emotional decision? i don't know. it's something i've always wanted. when i think about making it happen, nothing else matters. i am focused on this, it's all that i think about. i went to the bank to inquire about getting a small mortgage. to know that i can borrow the amount i want, it's like one step closer to my goal. when i think about it, my mind just straightens itself out.

when i have no goal, my mind wanders aimlessly and i can't focus. i start acting, talking, and behaving crazy. i begin to call and tell people about my crazy ideas.

today, i called a friend and said i want to go to sperm bank and have a baby. i have thought about that too. my goal was to have a family. since having sex with random strangers is not recommended, why not go to a sperm bank and get it done that way?

i don't want to wake up when i'm 45 yrs old and then be asking myself "ok, what do i want to do?". what's wrong with doing it now?

the weight thing. i can't help it if my body doesn't absorb the nutrients. i am eating. i eat healthy. i don't eat junk. but it doesn't seem to matter how much i eat. i'm losing weight anyway.

you have no idea how friggin' tired i am of hearing how i've lost so much weight. just tonight at squash, some friends i haven't seen in months .. told me that i've super thin. i wasn't fat before. but my face has caved in like michael jackson. yes, i lost weight ok?! i lost weight. i'm not anorexic. i'm not bulimic. it happens.

i'm also tired of hearing everybody ask me where my h is. i have no friggin' clue where he is. please don't ask me where he is or why he didn't join the club. everybody says we made such a great couple. how nobody saw any issues between the two of us. we were inseparable. well .. things change. people change. and i don't want to be the one answering those questions. he's not around. i have no friggin' clue where he is .. he could be screwing 10 women at once right now. i don't know. if you really want to know why we aren't together, ask him. don't ask me. cuz honestly, even i don't know.

i don't even want to call him my h anymore. i'm so angry because i have no closure. i'm angry because of what he's doing and i have no idea what i did to cause him to be so vindictive. i wasn't greedy. i behaved like the WAW. the thing about d is that the one who initiates it gets to eat cake. they don't have to tell you why they want a d. they can also be angry and be greedy and take everything. but they can also move on and nobody will tell them that they should wait before making a big decision.

here i am. i have no closure.
i also have to sit here and watch him be vindictive.
watch him move on and get everything he wants in life.
he gets to buy the house.
he gets to make plans.
if he wanted to date, nobody would stop him.
it would be okay. cuz he's moved on.

what about me?
i can't get into a bunch casual relationships because it's not right.

i can't buy a house because i shouldn't make a decision based on emotion. well .. he did. he bought a house. so why can't i?

i want to have children. and i'm not going to wait around for the right person and do it the traditional way.
there are ways to have children without another man.

all i get is - work on yourself. eat, sleep, go out. well, going out is a short term fix. i'm looking for a long term solution. the house was my long term solution. i want to do this. for me.
i have something to prove. that i don't need anybody in order to stand on my own two feet.
i don't want to hear the words "start over".
starting over implies that i've failed. i didn't fail. i didn't ask for the d.
i don't want to start over. i want to pick up from where i left off. and continue going.
i don't want to stop travelling to the places i want to go.
i don't want to stop living because i am by myself.
so let me do what i want to do. let me do what i want to do in order to make me get through this.

my plan is to take a week long vacation somewhere far.
i will drive until there is no gas left in the tank.
if and when i come back, i'll want to plunk down money for a house.
equity is important to me now. i'm so ready for this.
i also want to think about having children on my own.
adoption is too expensive and too long of a process.
i will inquire about fertility treatment tomorrow. my file is still active at the clinic.

as randy pausch said .. brick walls were put into place to let you know how badly you want something.

ok. time for bed. i need to get up and go to work tomorrow.