Had supper with H and the kids. I was really conscious of just staying out of his way and letting him do his thing. I asked if there was anything I could do and he said thanks but no ... maybe just turn the TV on for the kids or visit with them or something. Kept it light, chatted about our days ... no R or M talk ... helped clear the table and then it was pretty much time for me to go to my meeting. Said have a nice evening and then headed out. Nice.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It's someone on youtube reading a poem by Khahil Gibran. In the early bomb days it really made me cry but now it just reminds me that there is a wisdom to what is happening in our lives right now even if we can't readily see it.
A
Last edited by fudwoman; 06/02/1001:24 PM.
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Hi all ... I am looking for input from as many as possible ... so all you regulars and you lurkers too ... please weigh in ...
H and I are supposed to have a MC appt next week. Our MC is pro-marriage, a student of Gottman, and we really like her. Here's my issue ... I don't think we should go!
For those of you that are following my sitch you know that H has not committed to working on our M, he has, however, committed to a 'Healing Separation'. This means he has agreed to put off final decisions on what is going to happen (re D) in order that he can do the work he needs to do on himself and get to a healthier place from which to make decisions. We agreed to emotional and sexual monogamy, no dating, sharing the house and spending 'family time' plus an evening together every week. He is spending his nights away at his sister's house.
We've only been working with agreement since May 17th and so far he has done many 180s (not that he knows what those are) such as taking responsibility for his money, talking honestly about things he thinks might upset me or get a reaction, listening without getting defensive, working out, quitting smoking, following through when he says he's going to do something, etc. All throught the winter/spring he was paying lip service to wanting/needing to work on himself but didn't take action prior to now.
I've been GAL and continuing my 180s. I'm spend most of my time in a positive place ... working hard on killing the control freak inside me and generally just getting to know myself and what I may, or may not, want. I'm working on my emotional reactivity, studying relationships and communication, working on my part-time business, enjoying my kids and trying to detach. I'm also thinking about unconditional love and what that truly means.
So ... I think that an MC appointment will shift the focus back to the M and away from us as individuals. At this time I really don't see the point in that since what we've agreed to is the individual work..... someone on here told me that I can't speed this process up, but I can certainly slow it down! I'm trying to not do that
What do y'all think?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thanks shelbel ... I think I would just tell him our appt was cancelled and that we still have our appt in July (we originally set out that we would go monthly) and then tell him that the MC said if we needed to rebook it then we could do that. I'm not going to come right out and say that I cancelled it, just be vague about it. The last thing I need is to instigate an R talk by trying to avoid an R talk!
And I guess I should add that we are generally getting along very well, our interactions are pleasant and even fun. He seems to be noticing change in me but as J3B pointed out, I need to stop fishing for compliments to see if he's noticed.
For those that think we should keep the MC appt ... what direction do you think we should take it? At first I was thinking we could use it to talk about the stuff we are doing for ourselves that we committed to, but the more I think about it, the more I think we should probably get some more time under our belts. It's about actions not words at this point right ... talking about change is not change ...
Anyway ... I'll let y'all weigh in ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
ok, this is a tough one but in my experience, MC didn't help especially cause H wasn't "there." C suggested we actually stop since it was turning into IC with H while I was sitting there. it also became something my H used against me to say that he "tried" to work on the marriage.
for me, db coaching has been the most effective tool re: outside help. an option may be to have your H work with your DB coach. i know they do this as well and since this is their area of expertise, it might be more beneficial than traditional MC.
one point my coach made for my sitch is that traditional MC is a lot of expressing what each spouse "needs" and we're not there yet.
just my two cents...good luck with whatever you do!
IMO I would NOT go to MC. Things are going pretty smooth right now between you and H so something is working. Introducing a new dimension into the existing framework may cause unneeded stress and challenges.
Now how to raise this issue with H without coming across as controlling...well that is the real challenge. It actually may be worth a call to a DB coach. If this is not possible then personally I may want to go with the "honest" approach. Tread lightly here...you do not want to come across as overly optimistic nor do u want to come across as pessimistic.
Just my 50 cents
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yesterday morning I logged into a buy/sell/trade website and it tried to load a page of rental houses and motorcycles that H had obviously been looking at. Noticed the name of the community on one of the house ads and it's about an hour away - struck me as odd but didn't think much about the location. Rather than stew in it (last time H told me he found a place he blindsided me!) I decided just to ask him in a non accusatory way when he landed to pick up the boys. So I did, he was not defensive, said that it was an old habit, he surfs through the site looking for a motorcycle and No, he does not have any plans or intentions of getting his own place at this time. I thanked him for being honest and non-defensive.
He took the boys and headed for work. After he left, I hit redial on the phone (thinking I was dialing my sister to make afterschool arrangements) and OWs number came up on the display. Of course this triggered my insecurity again. Anyway, I put D6 on the bus and then called him when I got to work (stupid I know). I told him that I saw her # on the phone and he said that he still chatted with her every once in a while. I started to say something and he said "Hey, do you want to have lunch?" and I said "We don't need to talk about this if you don't want to" and he said "but we do need to talk". So I agreed to lunch.
I decided to play it cool at lunch, keep it light and not bring up anything. We were chatting and getting along well. About 1/2 way through he asked me "so how are you doing now?" to which I replied "I'm good." I also went on to tell him that I recognized that before (even pre bomb) he would have either stayed on the phone (he was at work) and listened to me and gotten pissed off or he would have said he couldn't talk and hung up and I would have gotten pissed off. I appreciated that he found a way to meet both of our needs and be respectful of what we both needed. We talked about it a bit and he tells me that he called her to tell her about the rental since he knew she was looking and it was in her general area. He said that they talk but it's just conversation, and he does not talk to her about us or our M.
Anyway to make a long story short(ish!) we turned the conversation around, chatted a bit, I told him I was proud of him for what he taken on so far and that I appreciated not having all of the responsibility any more.
Last night S2 gave himself a black eye and then banged his head on the wall when he got into bed. I didn't have any tylenol for him and he was pretty upset so I figured he might have a headache or be hurting. I knew that H was gone up to his parents for supper (about an hour away) but I called his cell and left a message that just said if he was back in this neck of the woods would he mind coming over so I could go to town and get some meds for S2. That was 8pm. I didn't hear from him, figured maybe he'd been out for a run, S2 was still fussy so I tried him at 9pm too. No answer. S2 settled finally but then woke crying at 11pm so I tried H one last time and didn't bother to leave a message when he didn't answer. By this time I'm upset because S2s father is unreachable and I could use some help, but my insecurities are taking hold again because his parents are the type to go to bed early and OW lives somewhere in that general area.
This morning when he lands to pick up the boys I was rather cool to him. He asks how was your evening and I said fine, how was yours? He said good - and I made the mistake of saying "must have been". Of course he says "what do you mean?" and I say that I left him a message asking for help and he didn't respond. He said he didn't notice he had messages until this morning. Then I say ... and here's the nail in the coffin ... "what am I supposed to think when I see her number on the phone and then you become unreachable for an entire evening when I need something kid related and I know you're in that neck of the woods?" He gets defensive, says something along the lines of "I wish you would just not think about it". I say that it's H that wants me to trust him, H that broke that trust, but H won't give an inch in helping rebuild that trust. At this point he says "but I'm not working on us, I'm working on me" and I say "I know. And you are accomplishing great things. I just need you to know that without your help the trust and insecurity issues are going to be harder for me to work through."
Anyway ... we turned it around, got the boys ready and they headed out the door ... I did ask one final question "Did you visit her last night?" to which he, non-defensively replied "No. I don't even know where she's living." I kissed the boys and said have a good day ... then said to H "have a great day" and he replied "you too".
Oh yeah, and he asked this morning when our session with MC was, he said he knew it was a Thursday but wasn't sure if it was today or next week ... I said next week, but sometimes the MC moves them around ...
Ok ... lemme have it ....
I know I need to detach, and I just posted some questions to Mach1 on another thread about HOW to actually do that. From what I see above ... in order to meet his needs right now I need to BACK WAY OFF, forget about OW, etc ... I'm just not sure on how to do that. How do I get to that place? I thought I was on my way but after my behaviour last night and this morning I'm questioning that! I miss him. I miss our friendship. I miss him physically and sexually. And it hurts like hell that he doesn't miss me. I guess I'm still in a place where I'm afraid to go dim because I don't want to think about the major what if ... what if he doesn't miss me then either?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Ahh, "What if...". Let the what if's go. How? You have to push it out of your mind with something else. I like to go to extremes when they crop up. "What if the sun is going to explode!" I've also used behavior modification with a large thick rubber band that I kept on my wrist and I would snap that bad boy hard when I would start to entertain thoughts that were keeping me stuck. I still do it on occassion.
I saw your post about "how" to detatch. I have to say that I think it's harder with them at home or seeing them alot. You don't get a breather really. Every thought is focused on them the M etc. My H was home 15 months post bomb, and I will tell you that from where I am now, I wasn't detached, not really. It's a process and the more you fill your life and mind with other things, the easier it is.
I still see my H alot (kids) and there are times I still fall flat on my face. The difference is, now I do it with my mouth SHUT. I don't ask a question if I don't want the answer. I am friendly, and I focus on the goals I have. I write them down with steps to take for accountability.
If you saw Mach's post about emotional divorce vs legal divorce, re-read it.
he tells me that he called her to tell her about the rental since he knew she was looking and it was in her general area. He said that they talk but it's just conversation, and he does not talk to her about us or our M.
If H is still having ANY contact with OW
IT AIN'T OVER
And
You cannot have any MEANINGFUL progress until it is.
Don't waste your time or his.
Originally Posted By: pei
I just need you to know that without your help the trust and insecurity issues are going to be harder for me to work through."
Look at this ^^^^
I NEED your help?
pressure?
Insecurity is your issue NOT his. If you NEED him for this you're done.
Welcome to Insecurity Island. With the professor and Mary Anne
If you like feeling insecure then be my guest and get him to help you with this.
PEI it's ok.
We all stumble.
You had to live this to know how it feels and learn from it.
Just DO learn from it.
Do better.
No excuses
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
