Why only 2-3 days? Maybe you can start adding a day or two and gradually make yourself more prominent. Most importantly, be there for the kids only. Don't have the attitude of "look I'm helping out! Aren't I a great father/husband".
When you do talk to her, look deeply into her eyes as if she's the most important person in the world. Like you're really paying attention to what she's saying. Not because you want her back but because you are genuinely interested.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's generally 2-3 days, it has been as many as 6 days. I try to just help for the the sake of helping with the kids/house. And I always try to look into her eyes like she is the only person in the world. Can't help but do that part.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
When you're looking at her, you can't be looking at her with sad, puppy dog eyes. Instead you need to be confident and assertive.
Does she limit of days you can see them? If not, go as often as possible. Start of slow. But then increase the visits. Then cut back on them a little to show her as if you have a busy life.
First thing is to stop feeling afraid.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I try to not be afraid. I've never been afraid before and I don't like it. This is the first thing I've ever really been in danger of failing. And it's the LAST thing I ever wanted to fail. Makes me scared to think about it.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Oh there are other reasons I'm sure. And I certainly wasn't intentionally either of those things.
I can't move back right now. I suppose I believe I'm showing sacrifice for her happiness.
Not attractive AT ALL. No strength. No decisiveness. No control. This is not attractive to a woman - sorry, but it is not.
Quote:
I do know if I go into our home against her wishes, those papers will be filed.
You are scared of your wife. Also not attractive.
You need to read Robx's posts, read Coach's thread and some others. Your strategy is not going to attract your W to you. She may be not be having an A, but she is surely a cake-eater. She gets you coming over to help with the car and kids and this and that, then ~~~ she gets to tell you when to leave. And you go. B/c you are scared she will file D papers.
Try standing up to her and see what happens. Try telling her "W, I have decided that I am moving back into my house b/c it is mine, too, and I need to be here so I can properly father my children." Then do it. Isn't that the right thing to do - shouldn't a father be with his children? Yes. So do what is right.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
well at least someone said it and I'm glad it was Greek, listen to her, you're getting this information from a woman who KNOWS what she's talking about!
You are scared of your wife, it's not attractive at all.
I won't go into all of the details but in my own situation, I did the same thing, I believed I was showing sacrifice for her happiness but let's be honest, I had been bending to her will for a very long time before that, she was used to me folding all the time, she was used to me caving in, she was always used to getting her way, this was just another example of that.
You have killed that attraction between the two of you.
How could your wife or any woman for that matter be attracted to man that is afraid of her? Is she going to kill you? Is she going to beat you up? Is she going to put you in jail?
Deal with it.
Move back home.
If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, tell her to move out, there is nothing saying that you have to move out. You know where you need to be? You need to be home, sleeping in your bed and being with your kids because that's the best place for you to be, it's the best thing for them to have both of their parents in the home with them and it sure as heck is confusing for you to be coming and going, there is no stability in that environment and you walking around playing the part of "chicken little" is only setting the stage for your kids to do the same thing when they grow up. Kids don't learn from the words you tell them, they learn from what they see/what you show them, at a very early age, you make the imprint on their brains as to how they should act, they have to model their parents, it's the only example they have to use for their own development.
Your wife wants a man she can feel secure with. She can't feel secure around a man that is afraid of her. If you can't stand up to her how could ever stand up for her if the need ever arose. How can she feel secure that you'll protect the children. You don't act like a man.
Women like Men who act like Men. Men like Women who act like Women.
Women don't like men that act like women.
You are too insecure, you're not confident, you're afraid of every action your wife takes, you re afraid of how to respond to things she does, you're indecisive, you can't lead yourself let alone show attractive leadership characteristics to your wife, you're job hunting right now and you said you were a mechanic or something like that but now you're settling for taking a job working at gas stations or supermarkets - what happened to the ambitious man you once were?
Go out there, get your job back, with another company.
If that doesn't work out, get in business for yourself, set up a business plan, work from home for the time being, advertise, get your name out there.
Do the work, get busy, get out there, get it done.
You're defeated, scared, ineffectual, insecure, low ambition, don't know what to do and you don't know where to go with your life.
The first place to start is what do you want?
Ask.
You're allowed.
What do you want? Don't worry about your wife right now. Ask yourself what you want.
Example: I want my kids to be secure in their current environment. I want to go back home and live in my home. I want to stop being scared. I don't want to be scared of my wife anymore. I don't want to be pushed around anymore. I want a decent good paying job, something worthy of me and my talents. I want a better life for me, my wife and my children. I want a better marriage. I want to be a good husband. I want my wife to treat me better. I want to treat my wife better. I want to improve myself.
The list could go on & on and for the sake of stopping myself from typing War & Peace version 2.0 I stopped right there.
So you ask yourself what you want because you're allowed to ask for what you want. Then you start spending some time thinking about how you're going to accomplish these tasks.
And you don't quit at the first sign of struggle and defeat, that's something a scared person would do. Every time you get knocked down, you dust yourself off, and get up and do it again, you put yourself out there, and don't expect it to be trouble free, expect the hit, expect to get knocked down, and always expect that you'll get back up again and keep moving forward.
- either that or keep doing what you're doing, mind you it doesn't sound very fun.
Very well put RobX! Your the most motivational poster on these forums by far!
RobX, could you perhaps check my sitch and give me a little insight? I have only observed from afar from other sitches you commented on, but itd be nice to get a pros perspective.
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
So a bit of an update. I went home for almost 3 weeks. We got along great for awhile, then last night she made a plan to make me leave. When I didn't want to go, she called her family for help and started to call the police. I left. I've never struck her, pushed her or even threatened to do so. The only think I've done is refuse to leave or move from my spot. She has also threatened me with an ex parte. Which is a quick restraining order. So, I left. Not sure what to do now. She says I'm not welcome or allowed to come back. Ever. I did find a decent job. I got my divorce remedies book, but it's still there. I was working the program. I even thought we were making progress. She wanted to stay friends, now she just wants me out of her life.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
You should have let her call the police and let them decide if you HAD to go. She can't get a restraining order against you if you haven't done anything.
Do you have an attorney yet? If she has papers ready to file, you'd better have one. Ask your/an atty about the situation. If you don't have the $, they will usually meet with you the first time free and give you some advice. Or go to the police and ask them about your rights in this situation. If you haven't done anything, she can't force you to leave.
You HAVE to stop being afraid. I know it is hard, but it is where you have to get your mindset. You need to have a plan if she files.
Hopefully someone with more experience will come along to help.
