Better Days

[karen43]

Sounds like you're doing good. I do think you're going to have ups and downs, but generally things get better and better gradually. I still find myself happier as time goes on, a little more every week, and surprised b/c I didn't think I was unhappy, but definitely stressed and less calm and peace in my life than I have now.

I think I miss my X (not the one of the past 3 years) but who he was before that. I miss my kids being here everyday. I do miss just the closeness with someone that I don't have now so some of my missing X is who he represents not who he really is. But don't want to be in an R with someone unhealthy, so I'm ok with that. I think I have a lot of the same feelings as you, but in some way maybe your sitch is tougher b/c your X acts friendly. Would be harder to distance, but still think something you have to do.

[ClingingToHope]

I've found that just about everything that I've decided was "true" on a certain day, didn't seem so true the next day

Yes. I know that well.

It sucks you go so long in between seeing your kids. I've been lucky. During the school year I see them every day after school. I have them every Wednesday night and every other weekend and that lasts until Monday morning.

How did you arrive at the schedule you have now? Is there any way to get time with them on your off weeks?

Otherwise, just keep charging on. One day at a time. Do you have any fun things planned for the summer?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Our schedule is M-Thu we rotate every two nights. Then we alternate Fri-Sun weekends. This way DD sees us both quite frequently and vice-versa but I never see STBX...which is good.

You have to find some activities for you so you're not feeling lonely. I know it can be tough forcing yourself out of the house doing stuff but you need it. At least have a couple of activities planned out for the week. What about working out? Or going out for a friendly coffee or lunch with friends. Oh and if they're female even better and if you're as lucky as CTH 4 at a time would be the way to go! LOL

[NoLongerHere]

Ah, generally I see them daily - except every other weekend - they're living here with me. Just this next week, they're going to be with XW.

I'll figure it out, I've got things I can do to keep myself busy.

Felt close to tears again today. Yeah, comes and goes in waves.

This summer, I have two weeks planned where I'm taking them to visit family.

Gotta go, boys are out of the shower

[ImprovedRomeo]

Geronimo, hang in there bud. You know...this is truly one of the hardest things anyone can go through but you will get through it and there will be a day when you will look back and be proud of yourself. There will also be a woman in your life who will see what you've gone through and appreciate your loyalty and devotion to your family.

Like you said, you miss the woman you thought you had, not necessarily the one you had.

Make some more plans for you and the kids, they don't have to be grand. Just plans to get you out doing things that are fun for you. Playing guitar, gardening, taking classes, volunteering, TM (ok j/k).

[NoLongerHere]

Karen - yeah, ups and downs to be expected. I've had that experience of the gradual incremental week-by-week improvement, just aware of how much farther there is.

I feel like I've run out of things to say because, it's the same old thing, and I know what to do, I guess I'm tired of hearing myself. Yeah the last couple of days have sucked a little. Feeling like my family really wasn't intact over the long weekend, but did all the stuff with my kids anyway. And Dropping them off for the week. I did tell XW this morning, "I hate you for this." And she's struggling too, with the long weekend, and the fact that our anniversery is in a few days.

Some of this is a mental balancing act too, so I've got to get my head right I guess.

SR, yeah things will be OK, I've got stuff I can do Wed and Thursday nights, I can always weed, I've got 1 more yoga class paid for I'll probably go to Saturday, and yeah I did send TM a note saying I'd enjoy seeing her this week. We communicate now at least every couple of days, but I haven't actually seen her in weeks. I can imagine the wheels turning in her head as she ponders the "it's complicated" factor, but like I told her it doesn't have to be complicated, it just is what it is, and it would be nice to have dinner with a friend.

OK have to go - meeting -

[Bworl]

Chief,

I'm hearing normal stuff from you. Still following along, but trying not to interrupt your thinking with responses.

I've got one great big word for you - honesty.

Be honest with yourself. No matter what is inside there, be honest with yourself about it and embrace it. There is no series of steps, no right thinking or wrong thinking per se.

One of the best gifts I gave myself as a result of my divorce was the right to be honest about everything possible, and to stop responding to things the way I thought others wanted or needed me to.

The whole debate about whether you loved your wife or your relationship is a little too backwards looking for me. And all of us have difficulty with not coloring our looks back through the lenses of what we've experienced.


Good marriages collapse. All the time. Many times never to recover; other times they pass through their empty season and eventually are reborn. It's way too soon for you to even be worrying about deciding which yours will be.


It seems to me there is still love for your wife inside of you. For now you are mentally putting it aside, in what seems to be an effort to forge your new life. It makes sense. But resist, if you can, the need to finalize where your heart really is. Time is the best tool for that happening, and when we force an outcome because we think we need to, it generally just comes back to us at a later time.


I submit to you that the ending of your story is not yet written. But I do think that this reflective time is good for you. Just don't fall in to the trap of thinking that you need to figure it all out.

Just be honest with yourself.

Feel what you feel, whatever it is. Let it wash over you, embrace it and own it.


Blessings,

Bill

[ClingingToHope]

The fact you said "I hate you for this" to me is a good thing.

It's honest.

I'm still not man enough to say it. Instead I show it in small ways, which is passive aggressive and I have to improve for the next love that comes along.

I think I have the answer to Eckhart Tolles' question as to whether I truly loved my wife or was I just addicted to a relationship.

I believe now I can say I truly love my children and I loved being a part of an intact family, but I no longer loved STBXW. She'd shut me out so completely and I resented it and thought of what it would be like to be with someone who truly loved me.

[NoLongerHere]

Thanks guys -

I'm recognizing that the truth is, there is no objective truth.

So here's the honesty -

I'm still hurting. Of course. And that's what's driving me around.

I'm chasing a lot of thoughts around in my head which ultimately don't really help. I know I'm not going to make this better by "figuring it out."

I post here, and I call friends and family, because human interaction helps a little. It's an outlet, and I think I need that. And then I don't post, and I don't call people, because I get tired of hearing myself say the same things, it gets so tedious.

I see XW and it hurts that she doesn't say or do the things that she used to. Has she changed? Or is she more honest now than she was?

My low point yesterday was when I was folding laundry, and feeling completely responsible for everything. Had a hard time with my son this weekend, and there's nobody to talk it out with. So yes, I feel alone. Then I judge that as self-pity.

And I know, I have been in this manic home-improvement / cleanining / cooking / taking care of things mode because it's a distraction, even it it's a neccessary and productive one.

I'll do you one better for honesty, I know that I'm hung up on TM for a number of reasons, one being she actually validates that XW was WRONG in her judgments and the things that she did, that there actually is hope for someone to see me differently, and someone that will actually offer a hug from time to time, and I know there's part of me that is reluctant to say there might be something messed up about this, and other part of me that says all my fretting about things is part of my problems in the first place, and somehow where talking to everyone else helps a little, taking to her helps a lot, but I don't trust that because it's way too complicated, and there's nothing happening anyway so it doesn't matter. And so - really overthinking it.

And then I feel like, crap, a grown-up man would just cope with all this.

And all this is just useless emotional energy spent when really I just, simply, want to STOP, but then when I stop, I'm alone. And then I have the urge to call up XW and say, please, just come home. Except - when I talk to her, she's not really her anymore, there IS nobody to come home, except maybe that's who she was all the time after all and, oops, off we go again.

There's no question. I loved XW. You know, all these questions, about passion, about connection, about background, about compatibility, about NEED, or want - screw it. Our relationship was our relationship, and whatever unique blend of stuff that was stirred up in it, I generated love for her. And I'm guessing that it is different than the kind of love I have or will have for anyone else.

And so it feels like I'm stuck, except I'm really not, because I'll go home, I'll eat something, I'll mow the grass or wash the dog or something, things will get done, and I'll come back to work tomorrow, and time will pass, I'll live my life, and sooner or later things will be different. I know because that's what's happened already. Things are different than they were a month ago, or last winter, or last fall. So I struggle with looking for some event, making something happen, that will be some milestone, or signal that I'm in the next phase - some SOLUTION that will change things, because that's my nature. But nothing changes things. I really have this feeling that I just want to rest, sit still and be calm with someone that loves me, but it's more like I've got a pulled muscle, I can't get comfortable, and I really just need to keep working, alone, at being OK. And that sounds like self-pity again.

Sorry, this is all just coming ouit in a flood. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know if exorcising all this helps or keeps me in my head.

[NoLongerHere]

Huh - I actuall do feel better now...