I'm recognizing that the truth is, there is no objective truth.
So here's the honesty -
I'm still hurting. Of course. And that's what's driving me around.
I'm chasing a lot of thoughts around in my head which ultimately don't really help. I know I'm not going to make this better by "figuring it out."
I post here, and I call friends and family, because human interaction helps a little. It's an outlet, and I think I need that. And then I don't post, and I don't call people, because I get tired of hearing myself say the same things, it gets so tedious.
I see XW and it hurts that she doesn't say or do the things that she used to. Has she changed? Or is she more honest now than she was?
My low point yesterday was when I was folding laundry, and feeling completely responsible for everything. Had a hard time with my son this weekend, and there's nobody to talk it out with. So yes, I feel alone. Then I judge that as self-pity.
And I know, I have been in this manic home-improvement / cleanining / cooking / taking care of things mode because it's a distraction, even it it's a neccessary and productive one.
I'll do you one better for honesty, I know that I'm hung up on TM for a number of reasons, one being she actually validates that XW was WRONG in her judgments and the things that she did, that there actually is hope for someone to see me differently, and someone that will actually offer a hug from time to time, and I know there's part of me that is reluctant to say there might be something messed up about this, and other part of me that says all my fretting about things is part of my problems in the first place, and somehow where talking to everyone else helps a little, taking to her helps a lot, but I don't trust that because it's way too complicated, and there's nothing happening anyway so it doesn't matter. And so - really overthinking it.
And then I feel like, crap, a grown-up man would just cope with all this.
And all this is just useless emotional energy spent when really I just, simply, want to STOP, but then when I stop, I'm alone. And then I have the urge to call up XW and say, please, just come home. Except - when I talk to her, she's not really her anymore, there IS nobody to come home, except maybe that's who she was all the time after all and, oops, off we go again.
There's no question. I loved XW. You know, all these questions, about passion, about connection, about background, about compatibility, about NEED, or want - screw it. Our relationship was our relationship, and whatever unique blend of stuff that was stirred up in it, I generated love for her. And I'm guessing that it is different than the kind of love I have or will have for anyone else.
And so it feels like I'm stuck, except I'm really not, because I'll go home, I'll eat something, I'll mow the grass or wash the dog or something, things will get done, and I'll come back to work tomorrow, and time will pass, I'll live my life, and sooner or later things will be different. I know because that's what's happened already. Things are different than they were a month ago, or last winter, or last fall. So I struggle with looking for some event, making something happen, that will be some milestone, or signal that I'm in the next phase - some SOLUTION that will change things, because that's my nature. But nothing changes things. I really have this feeling that I just want to rest, sit still and be calm with someone that loves me, but it's more like I've got a pulled muscle, I can't get comfortable, and I really just need to keep working, alone, at being OK. And that sounds like self-pity again.
Sorry, this is all just coming ouit in a flood. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know if exorcising all this helps or keeps me in my head.
