First, about the processing--being twins, yes, I have done the same thing. Almost a year of full-on all-out literal and mental/emotional running. And I am getting exhausted now, too. I wonder if when work really wraps up next week if I will come down with something.
OK--so we both have been so busy that we are keeping our "processing" more or less at bay. It's going on, it's happening, we're doing it, but not necessarily with full consciousness.
Should that be one of our goals? sort of like going on a diet together, but not as much fun.
I read your posts with Flowmom--I understand embracing the change while still grieving. Just the same as "grant me the wisdom to accept what I cannot change.." etc. Not saying I can do it! I can just understand it.
And now you have to re-settle yourself, so it is only natural that the roller coaster would sweep you up and take you up/down. Look it in the eye: Say: I know you are a roller coaster! I may be on you, but I am aware of it, aware of how I feel on this journey, and that knowledge will let me step off, or at least slow the ride down to a kiddie ride instead of Space Mountain.
And re: the dogs. You know--just say no. Frick it. You got dumped. You got no processing. You got no honesty about another woman. You left the house. YOU KEEP THE DOGS!
I don't know much about this "boundaries" stuff that older, wiser posters write about, but this sounds like one to set to me.
Visitation? sure. IF he is going to contribute to food and vet bills. But separating them? and separating you from one of them? What is this, "Sophie's Choice?"
You might have to find a way to afford to board them rather than leave them while you travel if you can't trust him to not dog-knap them.
Certainly be calm, friendly, have the discussion, but hold your bottom line. "No." and no guilt.
I CANNOT imagine how people with kids do this.
OK--you had a GAL weekend. You get a B+ on it. We want to see at least an A-. Look at Gardener--giving a hot girl drummer his phone number! Surely you can do something equally outside your comfort zone.
I did move my thread over to Surviving the Big D. Look for "so long, and thanks for the fish." I don't know how to link the threads, so I am hoping someone will help me with that.
Check over there for Avermont's GAL blush-worthy activities!
Good luck with the puppy conversation. Calm, cool, collected, courageous. You can do it.
Hi Aver, I'm here! I'm frustrated with my inability to connect except on BB or at work - but work's calming down a little. The other thing I don't have at brothers' is TV. He refused to pay the $17/mo. for local channels (no cable). I just called & if I want just local stations that's their lowest price. I declined, we'll see how desperate I get.
Well, just had a meltdown after reading ltr. from H's L, which my L had emailed me on Thurs. Not wanting to wreck my weekend, I waited til today to read.
Looks like H is taking exception w my math on the cr card debt. He claims I should pay $4500 (my split was 4000 me, 5500 H). Not right, but what is right about this S?
His L claims we made no mention of the $15,000 cash acct. & it should be split evenly. Now I have to look all that up - I am kicking myself for letting him handle all the 401K consolidation, I think that's my stock buyout from several yrs. ago.
Funny how her agrmt. didn't address anything regarding our retirement accts!
She also claims they need proof of value of my 401K. Guessing that's my current one?
And finally, he wants us to remove the para. stating we ea. pay our own legal fees, the one I agonized over considering asking him to pay my fees or half of.
It's not what's in this letter, it's just this process. It's killing me slowly. This is what we're reduced to, haggling over money & fees & how much does he get of a cash windfall I got during our M.
I just closed my door & cried & cried. I'm still crying right now. Somehow when it comes down to the dark & ugly of this D, coming here to post is my first reaction.
And, he wants to have one of the dogs. This doesn't really make me want to rush to email him about "talking" about it, as he asked.
Sorry to be such a downer. I just can't stand this. And so the wounds re-rip open. On & on it goes... uggghh.
Thank you for checking in (((Aver))). I'll try to stop by your thread. I hope you are doing OK my friend.
(((Aver))), Since I've been so slow to post, I need to let you know that when I read this, I felt better. Then, today after I stopped crying, I read it again and I felt better again.
Yeah, I'm an avoider. It's part of why I'm in this mess. I knew moving would unearth all this pain all over again. But staying there hurt too. I'm adjusting. It's going to take some time.
My C suggested I see her weekly & I agree. I do think I need more help right now. I need to figure out what I really need! And go back to goals and all those things I started on months ago.
I need to put that first, I've gotten lazy. It's just too easy for me to be so busy with work that I let the personal work get pushed to the side. Then when I hit a bump, I'm not handling it well.
One thing this board helps me with is keeping that discipline and focus. I need that.
So far I have not discussed the pups with H. I told him this week would be better for me since my big work stuff would be over.
I don't why he thinks I would turn one of them over to him when he's getting nasty about financial stuff. He got to end the M. -without any C or even a good explanation. He gets the house, with a sweet low payout amt. to me. He's used my little inheritance from my Mom as his own personal ATM to go to Vegas. It's just not enough for him!
At this point I'm not eager to email him back. Not in the right frame of mind now anyway.
Thanks for your thoughts, and advice. I need to check your thread now! ((((Aver)))))
I can only offer support and sympathy. At least my X and me were able to settle things with just a few emails. Guess that's one advantage to not having gotten married.
[/quote]This is what we're reduced to, haggling over money & fees & how much does he get of a cash windfall I got during our M. [quote]
Yes, that is so much of the heartbreak. Years of love and life and it comes down to the dollars. And we so much don't want to look petty that we might not fight for what is rightfully ours. At least, that's how I felt.
The dogs--ugh. How can he ask for one of them? I don't imagine there's any legal way he can make you? Or can one write whatever one wants to into a D agreement? Have you asked your lawyer about this?
I guess any attempt you make to speed up the process might just result in you not getting a fair deal? As in the temptation to just say: Whatever! let's get this OVER with! and maybe he is working that angle?
It does seem like death of a thousand cuts; I wish for your sake it could be done and over with.
Is the D process holding you back from making your own new life? I understand burying yourself at work to avoid the pain/interior work, but it's gotta get done--the new life, that is.
Certainly cry. Post. Cry some more. But GET OUT THERE. What do you like to do that your X didn't? play scrabble? window-shop? roller-blade? YOU can do them now. Yes, it sucks that you are doing whatever activity without a partner. Yes, it sucks to see "everyone" else with their partner.
But since you didn't die, and there's no point in dying now, you might as well live. And to live means having some FUN. And having FUN is great revenge, if you need that to motivate you. Not that we want to hold on to revenge, but if you can use it in small doses, do so.
Another weekend is upon us--what do you have planned? A movie? sorting your socks? a good run with the puppies? coffee with a girlfriend? serving soup at the local Soup Kitchen?
Let's get that grade point average up to a "B+", OK?
Ouch! Thanks for the smack Aver!! I hate when I get whiney, like my last post. It was a rough week but I think a good smack was in order.
B/c I'm technologically inept, I have to cut & paste your comments in:
Is the D process holding you back from making your own new life? Yes. Maybe. I'm not sure! IT's not really holding me back, I'm holding me back. When I get this way it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge mountain I have to climb, except I'm really tired and don't want to do it. That's the not-wanting-to face stuff issue I have.
But GET OUT THERE. What do you like to do that your X didn't? play scrabble? window-shop? roller-blade? YOU can do them now. I know - I had been doing OK until recent weeks where I am kind of hiding. I had a much better weekend this week, so hopefully this was a temporary backslide.
After posting this, I really thought about why I was feeling no progress, becoming miserable again etc. Here are the reasons I came up with:
i went through a patch like this a few mos. ago. I get too little sleep, dont' eat right, I'm tired drained & whiney.
A real life of the party! I need to refresh, rejunivate, & Rest!! This is a pattern I've always had, even before I met H.
Sounds obvious. But yet this is what I do.
Do the work. The GAL, the self-examination, the hard work of making myself better. Yes, I've done some of it, but it has to be a HABIT. I need to make it as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth. ACTION, EVERY DAY, NO EXCUSES.
As far as GAL, here's my report card: Researching laptops, honing in on one I want! Shopped for some cute summer clothes, went see an old movie screened at our library, by myself. Had my sister's H try to hook up my old dinosaur computer to internet (was unsuccessful), made dinner for him & my niece in repayment, and this is a little depressing: went to a baby shower for, get ready, my friend's daughter She was married at 19, so guess it's not surprising to be a grandma at 48. Actually it was nice to see my old buds there.
Also am in contact with someone to volunteer at the local art center, planning my days to take off before I lose them (by June 30), looking casually at houses in the area for sale, reading Journey from Abandonment.
OK, so not the most exciting GAL to be sure, but am working to keep the "work" - and for me that means ACTION - at the forefront of my mind.
Otherwise I get lazy, in the sense that I'll let work - or whatever, the latest email from H - take over my life & then I'm back here whining.
So, imperfectly, I go forward (& sometimes backwards) in fits & stops, tripping and falling & sometimes getting lost.
So last week I replied to my L regarding H's L letter, and figured some things out. She suggested I offer a visitation schedule w the pups, so I sent H a brief email on Sat. Have not heard back yet.
I told her I wasnt' ready to give in on the cr card split of 40/60 and she supported me. I STILL have a some doubts if I should let it go, but my first reaction was not to.
Only reason I can think of to give in on it is so he doesnt' think I'm a b**ch. b/c he doesn't like that it's not split more in his favor.
Like you Aver, I feel some guilt here in putting my foot down but I agonized over it, and I think I might regret letting him make me pay for his moving/new life down the road. So I'll give her the go ahead to tell em no.
She said I must disclose my current 401K w him (puzzling they ask this since he has half the statements at the house) but so must he.
I am fine with all the other 401K & mutual funds splitting 50/50. The only things I cannot stomach are paying for his fun nights out/new life, and giving up 1 of the dogs.
I think visitation is reasonable. I never said he couldn't ever see them. I used to remind him to, but he just never has. So, we'll see what H & his L say. Uggghhh.
Keep shoving me along Aver! No I don't like it but I know I need it. Stumbling along the DB path - I think it is the surest way through. Thanks for caring enough to yell. I'll check in soon. Have a great week. (((((Aver)))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 06/07/1008:01 PM.
boy, I want to cut and paste and quote back to you!
Quote:
When I get this way it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge mountain I have to climb, except I'm really tired and don't want to do it. That's the not-wanting-to face stuff issue I have.
Yup. Been there.
Quote:
went through a patch like this a few mos. ago. I get too little sleep, dont' eat right, I'm tired drained & whiney. A real life of the party! I need to refresh, rejunivate, & Rest!! This is a pattern I've always had, even before I met H. Sounds obvious. But yet this is what I do.
First of all, you ARE NOT whining! you are venting, you are sharing, you are thinking through what and why you are feeling what you feel.
Quote:
ACTION, EVERY DAY, NO EXCUSES.
No who's beating herself up? You know it's an up, down, back, forth, process, progress, backslide.
You recognize your patterns (I flop around without a regular schedule, don't finish things, it makes me anxious and depressed--but can I always make myself have a schedule? No!) so knowing it is a pattern, not a huge moral flaw or failure, just "what you do"--you can be nice to yourself and give yourself boosts to make changes little by little.
It sounds like you were really strong with the L and the $ and standing your ground. Good.
Visitation is a great idea. Sounds like a perfect compromise. If only there were a non-smarmy way to say "you are sooo busy with your new Las Vegas life, surely you don't want the responsibility of a dog!!"
It was very brave of you to go to the movies by yourself. A new laptop will be a lot of fun. Shopping, volunteering, all good.
I give you an "A-" on the weekend GAL! Not that it's up to me to judge, sorry to presume like that.
You just have to get past the final paper/agreement signing, and I think you will move forward a little more. Right now it's like having a ball and chain around your ankle.
Have a great week--onward!
(and look for Hitchhiker's Guide--if you like British humor)
Hello I read your post. I can't afford the coaching at the moment and wanted to know how it has helped you. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7years and have future plans for marriage in the nearest allowed time and he has given up at the moment. Were separated right now and I read the DB book this past Sunday. I feel as if I have been doing most of what was suggested in the book since April (when he decided we weren't going to last. I want to talk to a coach to have some incite as to what approach I need to take to ease his anxiety of our relationship. How did they help you?
As far as my support when you are meeting up with your husband I think it will be a matter of what he has to say and you will have to be strong and express how you support him. This way he'll feel like your on his team.
Hi C, Thanks for your post and I'm sorry for your situation. How do things stand now w you & BF? Are you on speaking terms? Email? Any C? I ask b/c I think how much the DB coaching helps really depends on how "far gone" (for lack of a better term) your R is.
For me, I was horribly desperate last summer when I first called a DB coach. (My H had moved out 3 mos. earlier). I tried to see online which coach might be most helpful. But I wound up taking the 1st available appt.
I'll be very honest here, the 1st coach I talked to did not really help. She did give me concrete action steps, as promised. But she was somewhat accusatory when I tried to describe a particular conversation, and chided me to "never interrupt a man"! I was a bit shocked. I didn't feel like she "got" me or the R, as arguing/interrupting was NEVER our problem. (Lack of C was)
However, I did not give up & called for another appt., but this time I got Laurie, who I LOVE. To this day. I'll cut to the chase here.
You read my thread, so you know my D was not busted. So if you're asking did doing the DB coaching save my M, or R, the answer is no.
If you're asking did it help ME, the answer is YES! And maybe it was the luck of the right coach but she helped me look at things a new way, gave me perspective & got me through probably the darkest days of my life so far, way way more than the IC I was seeing!
At 1st it gave me some hope for the M, which I really and desperately wanted to save. After about 3 sessions though it was clear to me none of it was working. But I think my H was one of those who was just done, and even a miracle couldn't change his mind.
Still, she helped me figure out how to live through it, make a plan. I was in survival mode & I desperately needed guidance - boy I was a mess.
It actually she who referred me to this board, which has been a major lifeline for me. I encourage you to use it, ask others here their opinion, not just on coaching but on your sitch.
All in all, I'd recommend a coaching session if you can afford it. I think posting on here is also highly valuable. And read & reread Divorce Remedy which if you read it know you don't just read it - you have to DO stuff (set goals for the R, GAL and so on).
c1285, Give us more details, and as you read & post you'll find those on here who resonate w your sitch. It's a great form of support.
May I suggest a book called "The Truth About Love" by Dr. Pat Love? I recommend you read it ASAP, b/c you still have lots of time to work on your R.
Let us know what your BF's anxieties are: Fear of marriage? Commitment? Is there something else going on?
I will check back with you. I wish you all the best & you have my support on your journey. ((((hugs))))) LFA
She was married at 19, so guess it's not surprising to be a grandma at 48. Actually it was nice to see my old buds there. 