still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Thanks WN-

Let him know that regardless of the circumstances you are choosing to find and create joy in your life.

This is the goal for myself! I do want WH to see it.

But I don't mean to come across as if I am WORRYING about how to act anymore. I am acting as I wish but having hope that it will make an impression. Sure, I wore the dress when I wasn't really going anywhere, but that doesn't hurt anything! I do want to show that I have things to do and people to see.

Now I feel like if I don't feel like being happy, I don't have to. I want to compose myself so that I don't break down in front of him, though.

He knows I don't want the divorce; I told him. But he will be forced to see that I am letting go. Do I still care? Of course! I don't fall in love with just anyone, unlike him it seems! So on here I express that I care what he thinks. But with him I am trying not to show it. Hoping that "acting as if" will help me detach. Does that make sense? Detaching from him is incredibly hard...expecially because I am reminded of him every time I look at my son and I see him all the time.

[WhatNow]

You rock nm!
I just wanted to reassure you that you are doing what some 'pro's' consider the right thing!

She has another article on detaching while caring....such a hard thing to do! (MLCer's and WS not too different!) I am so not there yet.

[newmama]

Whoa- I am doing this the right way? I feel sooo lost! I would like to read that article on detaching while caring.

I wish I was working right now. It would totally help to distract me and fill my emptiness and loneliness!

[PEI]

OK ... I didn't have time to back through the entire sitch ... but I caught the 'Anne and Gilbert' reference ... check out my location .... the land of Anne!

[newmama]

PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND????? YOU LUCKY WOMAN!!! Is it as gorgeous as it looks in the movies????

PEI Mom, there is nothing to read to get caught up- this thread is my daily group therapy session with amazing support and comfort from my fellow DBers. My signature line explains it except it doesn't say that WH is living with OW. (well he hasn't officially changed his address but shacking up with her for sure!) We were together for almost 5 years when he left me pregnant. Still hasn't proceeded with "the paperwork."

[newmama]

OK I just got back from lunch with S and my SIL. She has been going through reconciliation with her husband- they have been 'remarried' now for 6 months. And my SIL is suffering BIG time.

She was going to get engaged to a man she met after her H divorced her. She broke up with the man when her H was begging for a second chance. The man lives around the corner from them. She is NOT calling him or seeing him or anything but is very honest and says that when her H is treating her like crap and is being such a defensive, cold jerk, she sits there and thinks "I chose this life over a man who did appreciate me, find me desirable, loved being with me?" But she is optimistic that their reconciliation will improve.

She said since they remarried, they stopped going to counseling (expensive) and he stopped being affectionate with her (shame phase), and he wants her to TRUST him without telling her where he is going, who he is talking to or texting, and he works with a woman he dated after he broke up with OW (when they were divorced). He says his action of remarrying her should be enough to show he is serious. She said he will make effort at times so that gives her hope but she feels so disappointed and so discouraged yet she forces herself to hang in there and be optimistic that it will get better with time.

I asked her what helped her decide to remarry her H- why 6 months ago- what was happening in their relationship for her to feel like it was time. She said she just asked God and He told her this is what she was supposed to do. Sigh.

Well when I told her WH still hasn't brought up D discussion and that I looked into it and saw it only takes a few hours to complete it all, she said that she still believes he must be confused...that he MUST have doubts. I told her that I was going to file if he wouldn't come around and she supported me, saying that maybe when he sees that I have moved on, he will realize that he doesn't want to lose me. SHe said her H came around when he saw she was in a serious relationship with her BF.

Before the lunch date I was crying off and on in the car, trying to suppress my tears, trying hard not to be sad. But I held it together and after the lunch date, I feel satisfied...like pleased to hear someone else IRL believes my WH has doubts. And, (I hate to say this) I can see how getting divorced would make my life easier versus reconciling. (based on selfish reasons and not thinking of S) So if it comes to divorce, I can say "at least I can meet someone else and start with a clean slate...and avoid the rough road of reconsiliation."

[newmama]

oops- meant to clarify why I said this:

She said she just asked God and He told her this is what she was supposed to do. Sigh.

It's because I can't help but think there has to be good times to do this and bad times. For example, God may have told her to remarry him, but was it supposed to be at that time? Or wait for her H to prove his value for her and commitment to their marriage? (they were not even happy at the time or going through hysterical bonding or anything-just marriage therapy) I am learning through others to see how it really happens...as always.

[gatsby11]

I wish I was working right now. It would totally help to distract me and fill my emptiness and loneliness!

Word. I'm nervous about maternity leave for this reason!

Your SIL story is so interesting. I know- piecing would be SO. HARD. May not be worth it from time to time. But most of us at this forum just gotta try if we can. We have to remember though, a silver lining to a D is not having to trudge through the piecing! Like you said.

Dropping therapy, though, just doesn't seem wise. Even though it's pricey. I don't know, I would try to make that keep going.

[courageous wife]

Hey NM....

I am with you when you say, that it would really just be easier to get a D and move on than to do what we are doing now and then to turn around and do the piecing thing..but...here we are!!!

I am kinda having a down day today too so came on here to maybe glean so hope from other peoples sitches!!! Glad you were able to talk yourself thru the sadness!!!

[newmama]

Gatsby- how long is your maternity leave? The first few months of S' life really were just a blur. If I had to return to work after 3 months, I know it would be hard to leave my baby but at the same time, for me personally, would have made it a lot easier to endure this crappy life! I think I would love to work part time, but there is no such thing as a PART TIME TEACHER- you always end up working full time!

CW- yeah, I like to read others' sitches for hope, too. Today is hard- we are having just rainy day after rainy day for like a month straight so far and it can bring me down! Even though I should be used to it because I live in the Pacific Northwest!

I just returned from dropping off S in the parking lot. I am really tired of having to give him away to his dad all the time. I just stayed in the car today when WH came to take him out of his car seat. He tried to make some chit chat but I was NOT in the mood! Luckily, I didn't feel bad about not sharing stuff
about S because my SIL confirmed that a business-like interaction was sufficient. WH doesn't get to share the bond with me over our child. If he wants that, he needs to be married to me. Now like I said, I will act however I feel like except not cry in front of him (for my pride) and not be too rude. Today I just didn't feel like acting like I was having a blast and doing just fine without him. I was reserved, not depressed.

I am bummed too about the Gores. 40 years-and they were in their 60s- why not stick it out??? Hey how long did they live apart while he was on the road? Was it longer than 15 months? If I can do it after only 5 years, they can do it after 40! (ok none of my business. Just whenever I see another divorce, especially after 40 years, it makes me lose faith that people can be married for life)

Now I do have a question- ok in the movies, they make it look like that magical, amazing soulmate is out there for everyone and we can find someone who will light us up every day for the rest of our lives! I do know better than that- you can feel that way for the first 2 years and then it comes sporadically after that.

But in the movies they also show the woman making the man grovel and beg to come back and persist and do whatever it takes. Is this just a Hollywood ideal? Or does this happen in real life? Do spouses who want to come back after walking away FIGHT for their spouse?