I left the signed Divorece papers and asked H to pick it up. I sent H the following email this morning. :
Today is June 1, 2010; exactly 5 months since you told me you didn't love me and left me. Today I am making a promise to myself to stop fighting for "us", for you, for a lost cause. I'm letting go completely, not because I stopped loving you, or because I don't believe we have what it takes. Rather I'm giving up, detaching and forgetting my entire past with you so that I can finally move forward and accept the good in my life. I have accepted that your feelings are true and that this is my fate. You and I were not meant to be. For some crazy reason, God had this planned for my life, and me holding onto a dream that doesn't exist is holding me back from being happy and living my life to the fullest potential. I'll never understand this and nothing can ever be an excuse for the immense pain I feel in my heart, so I must go on. Something greater in life is waiting for me.
From today forward my life is about my family, me, the baby and yes my dog, who has given more strength than anyone I know. I will no longer focus on you H, on our marriage, our past, or our plans for the future. All of those memories will be erased and forgotten forever. I no longer want to feel pain and sadness. I only want to be happy and feel love and accept love into my life.
The past 5 months will not define me. I refuse to feel the pain and hurt and sadness and anger, my family does not deserve to see me this way or feel this way. This is the new me. So what, I'm divorced at 30 and pregnant by a man who lied to be about loving me, and poverished and house broken. One day I'll be something more, a mother, a person who survived, someone of strength and courage. Maybe someday my son will see that me picking up myself off the floor when I felt like I died, to better his life is courageous.
I am no longer going to cry over you. I will never pray again for your love or asking god to open your heart to see if you feel anything for me. I will never ask you to love me or come back home or go to therapy with me or think of working things out with me. I will never look back and wonder if there was something I could have done differently to make you love me. I no longer want to change your mind or your heart. You made your decision a very long time ago. Today I accept it fully.
I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you for all the lies, and deciept. I forgive you for not loving me.
Today I accept only love into my life. I accept only the people who love me unconditionally, and whole heartedly. I cannot wish for someone to love me. I can only wish to be happy by myself and give my love to others.
From today forward you will never hear me tell you I love you. I will never ask you back or wish you would love me. I accept we are over. I accept the divorce. I accept that you were just a part of my life and now I must go on like you have. I accept that you and I were not meant to be but instead meant to say goodbye.
I accept my new life, my family, me, baby and dog.
I accept that you are gone and never coming back. Today I'm going in the opposite direction. I too am now gone and never coming back.
