Newmama, it's actually kind of complicated, but let me see if I can manage it in a nutshell:
My FIL started cheating on my MIL pretty early on in their marriage because that's what he'd been taught by his father, grandfather, and uncles to do when things got rough at home: go get some on the side. It was completely acceptable.
My WH was SO disgusted with his father for abandoning his wife and kids that way that he swore he'd never be like him. And he kept his promise, for more than 20 years.
But in 2005, my FIL decided that he'd been punished enough by his kids for the separation and divorce that happened in the 80's and he wanted to get to know his grandkids. So he and his 2nd wife (married 1989), who had "found religion" in the interim, decided to do a 6-month missionary stint with their church in our area. They helped with the homeless and abused during the week, and spent the weekends with us.
Whatever the sins of the past, I whole-heartedly supported my kids having that grandparent/grandchild relationship, because I'd learned a lot from my own grandmother, my folks died in the 1980s, and we don't get to see my MIL very often (she lives cross-country). It was a nice, multi-generational bonding that lasted for 12 months over two years.
It was good...or so I thought.
The problem? The hate and resentment WH had festered for his father for 20 years dissipated upon getting to know his kinder, gentler (older) dad. Maybe the family tradition of "getting some on the side," wasn't so hurtful after all, because he now got along with his father like he had before he'd left in 1979. He no longer felt the pain of an abandoned teenager.
With a mid-life crises upon him and a willing woman at work, it all fell into place quite nicely. He started up this EA approx January 2007, when his father was in the 2nd six-month rotation here. I distinctly remember my FIL telling me I need to keep WH home more. He saw the signs as clear as day then, but he didn't have the heart to give me the 411. (I doubt I would have believed him anyway, I trusted WH so much.)
Now let me be clear about something: I am NOT excusing anything!
There is NEVER a good reason to bring a 3rd person into a marriage. It only makes matters worse.
But now I understand how it happened. I got involved with the kids, he got involved with work, we drifted apart, the opportunity presented itself, and based on the pattern he'd seen from the significant males in his life, it seemed perfectly logical. 1+1=3.
So right now, he's justified EVERYTHING he's done by placing the blame squarely on me -- as his father did his mother, his grandfather did his grandmother, his uncles did his aunts, etc.. It all makes perfect sense to him. If I'D been more attentive and kept him happy, he wouldn't have strayed. It's all MY fault. He's only doing what ANY man would do in similar circumstances. And now that I've embarrassed him in front of his peers, I'm a liability that needs to be disposed of.
My hurt feelings are of no concern to him. I brought it all on myself. If I'd been "the perfect" wife (btw - there is no such thing), he'd have had no reason to seek solace elsewhere. That alleviates the guilt and fully excuses the bad behavior in his mind.
So...everything that I do that is nasty or derogatory justifies his misbehavior in his mind. Anything I do that's nice or flirty feeds his ego and reiterates what a great guy he his is in is mind.
I CANNOT win.
But I CAN play a completely different game, one where he doesn't know the rules and can't guess them until after I've won. That's what Larry is teaching me.
