Originally Posted By: flowmom
So, just got back into town last night after 4 days on a botanical excursion with fellow plant lovers. It was in a beautiful spot and I brought the children and a childcare provider.

It was exhausting and energizing. The natural beauty was stunning and it's fun to be with people who can nerd out about plants and ecosystems.


Good for you! It does sound tiring but rewarding. And maybe some good networking for more future business?

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And very interesting that an old friend who I had lost touch with has now been separated for 2 years and is starting fresh with a new guy who is moving in with her and her 5 and 9 yo children. Very interesting. Her sitch is somewhat similar. Her H checked out a long time before the separation, no apparent infidelity, but she was the one who pushed for separation because she was done with his distance and refusal to spend time with her. She was a good person to talk to and now I can say that I have a friend who is in a similar sitch to me (but she doesn't live in the same city).


I'm glad that you connected with someone in the same sitch in person. It's nice to hear a positive outcome- for us too, thanks for sharing- that someone else had. I guess we will never know what's waiting around the corner for us til we're there.

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I think I will do that once I feel totally prepared for the legalities. I want to read the coparenting book, do the paperwork for the L, do a little more research on how I can save $$ on legal fees, etc. My guess is that any talk we could have right now, though, would push him even closer to wanting D. If I was serious about waiting this out, my guess is that I'd be looking at 2 years to even have a chance at reconciliation. I don't know if that's the right choice for me, especially because H checked out of our M a long time ago so I've already been dealing with the rejection and hurt for a loooong time.


FM- I think you are thinking things through very carefully and wisely. I had a flash back to a couple months ago when many of your posts were about feeling stuck and procrastinating about a lot of things. The change in how you're moving forward is pretty big- I wonder if you recognize that? You've got a plan, and steps, and are thinking ahead and moving forward with what you need to do. Even though it's sad to be in this place, and it's a place you don't want to be, rather than being mired down in the muck, you're moving through it and taking care of things. Bravo. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate how you're growing and taking charge of your life in the face of some sad and scary circumstances.

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My subconscious is obviously working things through right now. Lots of dreams about H. And last night, me confronting "V" and asking her to take pity on me and tell me if she is sleeping with H. Not sure if this is about letting go or backsliding on detachment.


Funny. I've been having dreams about meeting/being with new men almost every night- some celebrities grin, some regular guys. Wonder what THAT means?? LOL. I think your brain has a lot to sort out when it's at "rest". I don't know that you need to label it as anything. I don't think it's backsliding, though. I think it's stuff that's necessary for your brain to grapple with and also a time when it tackles things that may not be safe or good for you to bring out when you're awake -- a safe way of playing out the scenarios and asking the questions while preserving your dignity and strength in waking life, because you know that asking these questions/conversations in real life isn't safe for you to do and won't help.

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Unhelpful beliefs for me to address right now:

* I need H to "break up" with me "properly" in order to have closure and get on with my life

* it's a public humiliation for people to know that H is in a R with someone else while we are still legally married

* it would help me to know what is going on in H's life right now


Good for you for recognizing these! I swear, I do not know how you and others deal with an OW/OM. I would be going frickin INSANE with (insert crazy-ugly-frantic noun here) if I were in your sitch. Hopefully I'm right that there's no OW in my case... Anyway:

1. You may never get this (and you already know it)- AND, you are *already* moving on with your life. Waiting around for something that isn't likely coming will only hold you back. You (and a lot of us) will never get this closure- whatever form we hope for it in. That's disappointing, but I think there are a lot of similar things we'll all need to move on from and will never have answers to- and somehow we're all growing from having to do this, it just may not be obvious to us how, yet.

2. I understand this feeling- but, the only person who looks bad here is your H and OW. You have retained your dignity and integrity and you will always have that- they won't. If anyone else sees what is going on, what they will see is a dishonest H who doesn't have the courage to do the right thing and see out a D before moving on to someone else. And a W who holds her head high and doesn't stoop to his level, someone to admire in her dignity. You will always have this and it will be your strong foundation to build on.

3. I understand this one too, and you already know the answer. If you went a step further and listed how knowing this would be unhelpful/hurtful to your progress, it would be even clearer. But the curiousity would eat at me, too. Can you imagine a time when you really will not care one way or the other what he does R-wise? I try to remind myself how this feels by looking back at my other L/T Rs that I thought I wouldn't ever get over and knowing that it no longer bothers me who they're with, etc. because I am detached and have moved on. That moment and detachment is ahead, and you're moving closer to it each day.

Stay strong and take care of yourself--

(((((FM))))

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go;
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow;
Go ask Alice...
I think she'll know.