how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

wow. it's been a long time since i've been here. plenty has happened, but nothing good between the H and i. i think i should probably start calling him the soon to be ex H.

i have gone out on 3 dates with the same man. we have a good time together and it's nice spending time with someone in a "dating" situation again, but i often find myself distracted that he's not my H sitting across the table from me. i do not think about him when he's not around and i could care less if he calls or not, but i do think it's a plus that i've put my toe back in the water in regards to dating.

i've been keeping up with my running and have probably lost about 10 pounds since my H moved out back in february. running gives me a chance to clear my head every day, and i never thought i'd say this, but i am at a point where i look forward to my runs now, especially my long ones that i do solo. 6.5 miles gives you a lot of time to think.

i do not speak to my STBX at all. the only contact we've had in the last 2 months is in regards to our separation agreement. we've had a few back and forth disagreements about the terms, but no nasty name calling, no dramatic fights, no trying to stick it to one another. just trying to act like an adult and move on with my life. i will send a (hopefully) finalized version of the agreement to him today and if he has no changes, i suppose we'll be signing it and filing it within the next few days/week. i have informed him that i plan to change back to my maiden name after everything is finalized, to which i got zero reaction. that seems to be the common theme with him these days, zero reaction. since we have no contact, i am as kind and pleasant as i can be when we do email one another, and i always tell him i'm thinking of him or something along those lines. he never acknowledges it, but i guess i should be used to that by now. i haven't heard him say he loves me since march 30. probably sad that i still know that date.

i'm still seeing my IC, once or twice a month. i don't want to walk away from all of this feeling bitter or jaded, so we are working on that, and i'm also struggling with not feeling like i'm leaving empty handed. i'm not exactly sure what i got out of the last 5 years of my life except a broken heart and a chance to start all over again. certainly i've learned a lot about myself and marriage, but it's a hell of a way to have to learn a lesson.

i'm still taking it one day at a time, working on becoming the person i want to be, picking myself up off the floor and getting back out there. it's not the choice i would have made for myself, but i'm doing the best i can with the hand i've been dealt. i miss my H every day...but i find that with each passing day it's less and less. he turned 30 last week, so i sent him a simple card and a text, to which i simply got a "thank you" reply. it's hard to miss a complete stranger and that's what he's become to me. i have no idea who this man is. my H is gone. long gone.

i don't know what is going on in his life or what he's doing. i have no ide if he's dating, or sleeping with other people, but i can't worry about that. i'm not trying to keep up with him by dating again...just hoping that moving on and getting out there again will help me stitch up the wound in my heart so i can be free of all of this and start the next chapter of my life, whatever it may bring.

thanks for all your words of support and encouragement. it's good to check in from time to time.