2 weeks left to DB

[Piano]

Thanks so much Confusedwife and JacT. She is more than a great distraction, she's a beautiful gift during dark times. And yes, it's early days for all of us (((HUGS)))

[gatsby11]

Hormones, huh? That's so naive. People don't feel their hormones like they do their emotions, duh!

I suppose a short term visitation schedule could be good. He's driving a lot to see her, right? It's really too bad that "loving" and "parenting" are two separate things for him, apparently. Take the baby to Europe, puh-lease.

I am glad he is seeing her so much, though.

And I'm glad that she's so healthy! And that you're feeling so great.

[newmama]

He initiated a 2hr visit today. His 4th in 6 days. He seems besotted. More photos. I guess "loving" a child and wanting to parent them two different things for some nutty people.

I never thought of it like that! Good observation.

WH has not stated he would like to co-parent her because I guess that would mean comitting to stay in the country and possibly ruin chances with OW. Out of interest, he did say during a bad argument that he would be happy to take the baby back to Europe and parent her there...!! Sans moi, obviously.

He sounds smitten with the baby. At this age, like we have said repeatedly, your baby just needs you anyhow. So the visitation schedule would really be a legal issue (are you even legally separated?) or convenient for you so you can know when to expect WH to visit. But visiting at this age is not parenting (IMO!)

[gatsby11]

Update even just with baby stuff if you can! I understand you're busy.

[Piano]

Visiting is definately not parenting. Parenting is what me and my mother are doing. WH is a like just another relative dropping in for a cuddle. Except he wants to assert his name as the FATHER. He cannot parent a newborn unless he lives with us.

Our separation is not recorded with the State. Here, you are legally seperated the minute you decide to be and declare it to people or agencies. But the government doesn't know until you lodge separate tax returns or ask for single parent beenefits and the like. One year from the date you say say you were seperated, you can file for divorce.

The courts would say reasonable visitation hours with a newborn would be 1-2hrs twice per week. Dependent on how me and the bub are doing. If we are tired/sick, then less would still be considered appropriate.

Today I felt a bit low. Reality is hitting that I am doing this alone. Have not much of an adult life right now- back at my mums, being cooked for a looked after. I am very grateful for this. But I miss my couple life- dinner parties, friends, my own home, holidays, weekends away. Who do I do this with now? How will this new life compare? Hmm... strange days.

Also it is the start of the ski season in 12 days. This time of year we'd be heading to the snow, and she would have her first winter in the mountains. Her dad is a great skier & ski trips were a big part of our life. Makes me very sad we wont be doing this together.

What else?

Well, I am wondering what I do with tomorrow's visit from WH. He's coming in the afternoon for 2 hrs. I really want to show a sexy new me, love and joy so he knows what he is missing out on, but conversely want to not be here to show him that I am not Bo Peep and I don't approve, to the point where I take myself off to another room when he is here (and leave him with my mother). I could also cancel his app., to not be so accomodating (which I really have been so far).

Am thinking that having him over but making myself scare would be best option for now. Why? To give him the opp to bond with bub & hopefully stop him from wanting to leave her, but to let him know I have Walked Away myself.

The other tactic would be to limit his visits so he gets frustrated and feels her absence more keenly.

[newmama]

Today I felt a bit low. Reality is hitting that I am doing this alone. Have not much of an adult life right now- back at my mums, being cooked for a looked after. I am very grateful for this. But I miss my couple life- dinner parties, friends, my own home, holidays, weekends away. Who do I do this with now? How will this new life compare? Hmm... strange days.

Piano, no sugar coating here-- even if you were happily married, no "adult life" would be in sight for at least 3-6 more months. I don't know any different, but since WH was seeing S so often, I was able to take one night per week and do something, starting at 2 months of age. I kept in denial, though, refusing to think of myself as a single mom and believing WH would be back. In hindsight instead of NOT telling people we were separated, I should have said we were. That would pave the way easier for explaining we D'd. Hopefully I won't have to! So, for you, DO try to get out when she is a bit older. It does feel surreal to be out alone and back to feeling like the YOU before your D!

Well, I am wondering what I do with tomorrow's visit from WH. He's coming in the afternoon for 2 hrs. I really want to show a sexy new me, love and joy so he knows what he is missing out on, but conversely want to not be here to show him that I am not Bo Peep and I don't approve, to the point where I take myself off to another room when he is here (and leave him with my mother). I could also cancel his app., to not be so accomodating (which I really have been so far).

OK I can't help but share some opinions here! BUt they are just my opinions.
1)NO OFFENSE but how can you show a SEXY you when you have a week old newborn? Even if you tried your darndest, in your H's eyes, you are the exalted MOTHER! It is better! (for now--obviously not good in the future)

I learned that men really do have that instinct where they admire us for being good moms to THEIR babies! So just by you being your sweet, nurturing momma self, it will cause your H to feel love for you! I swear! Now the problem is if you stayed momma-like for months and months. But for this first month, relax and show your maternal instincts! (think about it-isn't it kind of a turn on to see our Hs love our babies and act like dads to them? the same for us in their eyes!)

I DO assert that as soon as you can, look your best but do it for YOU. I swear it will reduce the risks of post partum depression! Plus, you didn't gain a bunch of weight so you probably are looking like yourself pre-pregnancy right?

Am thinking that having him over but making myself scare would be best option for now. Why? To give him the opp to bond with bub & hopefully stop him from wanting to leave her, but to let him know I have Walked Away myself.

Yes, I agree--except if you could be there for several minutes in the beginning so he can see you take care of her, and love her as you hand her off to him. And then when you return to her, he will get to see the same!

The other tactic would be to limit his visits so he gets frustrated and feels her absence more keenly.

YES-- if you can swing this. Legally, you told us 1-2 hours per week, twice a week, right? I did as you are doing which is let WH come over as often as he wanted.

Now, on one hand, I see frequent visits as helpful for your WH who was on the brink of being a run-away-dad due to insecurity, right?

BUT the one card I never played in my sitch was sticking to the parenting plan and limiting WH's visits. I will never know now if that could have made a difference.Gosh at the time I kept thinking that it was sooo selfish of me to use S as a pawn, and I had to put my desires and hopes for R aside and allow WH to see S. BUT NOW I look back and see that 1) WH was the one who chose to LEAVE me and the idea of a family so 2)WH made his own bed--if he wanted to S as much as he wanted, he should have R'd with me. NATURAL consequences! ) I hate hindsight!

[Piano]

Hey! I guess I was thinking of my adult life with WH. A reason to prepare a beautiful meal to share with WH alone or with friends, my best friend to go to a favourite restaurant with, a husband to share every minute of this new life with.....ya know, the 'adult life' I was meant to be living.

My baby is so easy at the moment (sleeping 3hr stretches), I reckon I could start to do one or two normal things across the week.
I guess that's it.. I miss my companion and best friend. Voila.

NM, are there people that still don't know you and your WH are separated? After all this time?

Interesting comments about how men like to see us as the Ultimate Nurturer & that is breeds affection....But I would like to be Sexy Ultimate Mother, ha! As for the weight, I've always been a little plump but after my stressful pregnancy I have dropped a size or two. I have lost my bottom which I am rather sad about, and have not seen my legs this skinny since I was 20! I am far from underweight though, and the shedding has done me good as I cannot lose weight easily.. I have never been the diet type, and whne I lose considerable amounts it is usally a sign that something is emotionally wrong with me. WH has lost about the same amount, btw!


"Now, on one hand, I see frequent visits as helpful for your WH who was on the brink of being a run-away-dad due to insecurity, right?

BUT the one card I never played in my sitch was sticking to the parenting plan and limiting WH's visits. I will never know now if that could have made a difference.Gosh at the time I kept thinking that it was sooo selfish of me to use S as a pawn, and I had to put my desires and hopes for R aside and allow WH to see S. BUT NOW I look back and see that 1) WH was the one who chose to LEAVE me and the idea of a family so 2)WH made his own bed--if he wanted to S as much as he wanted, he should have R'd with me. NATURAL consequences! ) I hate hindsight!"

^^^^ This. A balancing act between:

+ not be too available (be the WAS/show my disapproval)
+ allow him frequent visits to validate him as father so he doesn't run away fast or easily
+ put a parenting plan in place soon so I have some control and not just fulfil every one of WH's desires

[gatsby11]

Hey! I guess I was thinking of my adult life with WH. A reason to prepare a beautiful meal to share with WH alone or with friends, my best friend to go to a favourite restaurant with, a husband to share every minute of this new life with.....ya know, the 'adult life' I was meant to be living.

I'd like to propose that you're meant to be living like you are now, without WH. Why? I don't know. But perhaps there is a purpose.

I know you miss H! But try to let it go for now. What would you do if he were military and he had to be gone? That mindset could help. (While understanding the reality, of course.)

Now, I've never had a newborn. (Yet!) But what I would do here, when I was missing adult companionship (and I know you mean WH but we've got to do what we can do), is start making PLANS for a month out. I'd imagine that by July at least, P, you could take bub on short road trips with friends. Skiing? I don't know if you can fully do that, but maybe you can at least go to the area for the day. But if you could have handled baby stuff with WH, then you can do it with as friend!

Also, shop for new clothes asap, schedule a massage, whatever you can do!

As far as visitation, I don't know. I will probably let mine come over as often as he wants, but I won't be there all the time. I'll take my mom and we'll go somewhere else for an hour. (Walking, swimming, or tanning probably in my complex.) This is what I imagine, at least! WH will stay in my apt with baby and his fam. (After the initial visit.)

Keep updating us!

[newmama]

Well I feel a lot better now knowing that both of you ladies, who are a lot tougher with your Hs than I was/am, still want your Hs to see your babies as often as they want! Like I said, i regret not limiting WH's visits.

And Piano,don't worry, your bub will be awake more often...they seem to sleep a lot the first few weeks then gradually have more and more awake time!

Oh and the people that don't know I am separated are my co-workers. I was in a mommy group with several of them and they don't know either.

BTW good plan to be the hot mama!

[Piano]

I'm thinking about limiting them NM....

It's on my mind all the time...thinking of starting with today's visit....