Yup, I will address your question... But right now I want to work on whatami's list a bit more...
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1. To be with a partner that has his own personality and thoughts and feelings and interests and friends.
Ok, this isn't specific
At the end of each work day, tell me how your day went : what you were feeling during different times of the day and what happened to make you feel that way.
That is specific and something he can ACT ON
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2. To feel sexually desired by my husband and to feel sexual desire toward him.
OK, this is clearly needing some work, I won't touch that one...
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3. To feel desire to be around my husband.
What will your husband be doing when you feel this way?
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I want you to understand I am not trying to frustrate you or dissappoint you here, but you very likley will feel that right now... So does your HUSBAND
If the sample list you offered is the direction he's getting... He is going to be confused and frustrated....
There is hope here, but it needs to be specifically phrased...
I think you should work on your list more...
Originally Posted By: whatamigoingtodo
Our very first counselor said that I can't assume my H can read my mind. That I need to tell him what I need/want.
I am thinking this is the problem.
You said you asked him to buy red roses on v-day.
1. Did you tell him or did you write it down for him to read? 2. How was he feeling when he was given the info? 3. How does he feel about buying flowers? 4. How was he feeling on v-day and a few days earlier?
You're telling us you have told him about your needs and he hasn't met them... but I am asking you now for a list of specific meetable needs your husband can act on, and you don't seem to have a list ready...
Can you see the problem from where I am?
I could very well be missing something, but...
I dunno... The flowers thing, that reads more like a set up... And I get the impression your husband has issues with buying flowers to begin with...
If you put a BIG DETAILED LIST together, and I am willing to help you do that, and your husband did HALF of it ... would that statisfy you?
The problem I am seeing here is
1. Not communicating your needs clearly to him 2. Isolated direction that's intimidating
The second one is a bit awkward, but let me explain :
If you give him a specific thing to do, nothing else, and he misses the mark, he may have some feeling in him that intimidates him ... So he just avoids the flowers instead of buying them. He may not be comfortable expressing or feeling emotions. He may know you getting the flowers will bring that out so he's avoiding it to avoid his own discomfort by avoiding the flowers.
Does that make any sense?
The solution in that case isn't to leave him, or to feel hopeless or to turn away from him. The solution is to help him learn how to access his emotions in a way that he's comfortable doing so and eventually looks forward to it.
You feeling your emotions, accessing them, understanding them, expressing them, this may be easy for you, but it may not be easy for him.
