embracing change

[flowmom]

I still stumble across: I can't believe this happened.

And I try to do The Work on it. I can believe it.

Cause it happened.

Thanks for the reminder to look at this avermont. I'd like to do more Work.

he sounds like he's d'ing and knows it, yes. sorry to hear he is still only stuck in this mode. it could change.

I think you're right rr.

I have always felt your H was heading to a divorce no matter what.

Yep, you called it CityGirl .

If you really can get your business up and running again in a solid capacity I do feel your life will dramatically change in a way that is, well, quite simply wondrous.

Thanks for your vote of confidence CityGirl . Not quite there yet the optimism, but working on opening my mind.

Your H is very like mine. He needs to be the 'good guy' or pretend he is the 'good guy' by offering you random crumbs while he is privately moving towards a divorce.

Yes, the "good guy" thing is very much at work here. Luckily for me and my children . It sucks that he is not willing to be part of repairing our family, but at least we are being treated well and I have to count my blessings at this point, especially given some of the horrors that my fellow DBers are going through.

The GRAND thing is you are much better prepared to handle all of this now.

I hope so. I feel like I'm in a good place, yet I'm scared of "falling apart" when the next bomb hits.

I know I have been hard on you and for that I am sorry if it caused you any further distress. I do want you to know though that I am deeply proud of you and filled with admiration.

Thanks CG, that means a lot. You said some things that were VERY hard to hear, but I ALWAYS listened and took it very seriously. I think your tough love was part of what helped me to "defog" as much as I have managed to at this point. And I'll always be grateful to you for that. Seriously.

My subconscious is obviously working things through right now. Lots of dreams about H. And last night, me confronting "V" and asking her to take pity on me and tell me if she is sleeping with H. Not sure if this is about letting go or backsliding on detachment.

Unhelpful beliefs for me to address right now:

* I need H to "break up" with me "properly" in order to have closure and get on with my life

* it's a public humiliation for people to know that H is in a R with someone else while we are still legally married

* it would help me to know what is going on in H's life right now

At the very least, why not have a genuine talk with your H now about what is going on. I think some R talks are worth having.

I think I will do that once I feel totally prepared for the legalities. I want to read the coparenting book, do the paperwork for the L, do a little more research on how I can save $$ on legal fees, etc. My guess is that any talk we could have right now, though, would push him even closer to wanting D. If I was serious about waiting this out, my guess is that I'd be looking at 2 years to even have a chance at reconciliation. I don't know if that's the right choice for me, especially because H checked out of our M a long time ago so I've already been dealing with the rejection and hurt for a loooong time.