still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

thank you- it was very trying! oops I meant to say that Anne dated others during college, not that she wanted Gilbert then.

[newmama]

WN- about the Madison County movie- I NEVER liked it! As a teenager even! But the comment you made about OW showing it to your H reminded me that I saw that someone posted the husbandhunters article on survivinginfidelity.com. One of the posters said her fWH told her that some single women (soon to be OWs) would fish for problems in the marriage and then totally use that to coerce the men! wow.

[flowmom]

So he could very well be waiting for one of us to follow through so he doesn't have to decide.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is the case. But I would be the "going, going, gone" girl, not the "ultimatum" girl. I know you know that .

I really admire your self-confidence and belief in your path newmama. I also think that visualizing and meditating is very powerful. When I ask for things when I'm chanting, though, I like to keep things more general, in case the Universe has a better idea of what I need in my life than I do . So I ask for love, I ask for a "higher life condition" for everyone in my family...but I don't specify the HOW of what that would look like. In my mind, reconciliation with H would be the "best" thing, but as time passes I feel less and less sure of that as his actions underline his cowardice and weakness.

I think it's good that you're still doing DB goals and it seems like your strategy is yielding the hoped-for results. Just to be clear, I don't blame you for continuing to DB.

[flowmom]

Watched "Serious Moonlight" w/ Meg today. Hysterical, sad, uses WS/mlc script. Betrayed wife tapes her H to the toilet..... Wanna go buy Duct tape!!!

Yep, total LBS fantasy . So is "It's Complicated".

[newmama]

Hi, Flow! Thanks for stopping by! I was looking for you on your thread to see how you are doing. It seemed like you disapeared after you posted about your H's email hinting about financial arrangements (if you D).

As far as meditating goes, I have slacked. I seem to be focusing on wishing for WH to be strong though. But yes, I believe in God and know that there could be a different plan for me but I think that would happen whether or not I prayed or meditated!

I do try to keep it all in perspective. Some people have contentious divorces, walk away dads, and some people lose their house from a tornado, or end up dying of cancer or are falsely accused of murder etc. etc. I will survive and S will not necessarily have a bad life. He has 2 parents that love him.

I added Serious Moonlight to my Netflix! Too bad you could get arrested for such JUSTIFIABLE acts like duck taping your WS to a chair!! lol

[newmama]

just heard a funny expression "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" "Yeah but you can catch more with manure!"

Hmm...honey= acting sweet and taking the higher road

vinegar=NC and being angry, cold

manure= uh, s#!t happens? maybe allowing the natural consequences to take place and speak for themselves! You want to be a part time dad? Here you go. You want to try and stay friends with your S' mother? Sorry- no can do. But we can chat for a few minutes at each exchange about how S is doing (gee- just like I would ask a daycare provider about how S did! Glorious!) Here is the crap you dealt yourself, WH!

[WhatNow]

here is some of rollercoasterrider's site on MLC (midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com). You seem to still be worried about "How to be" and I thought this might help!


How Should I Act Around Him?
Do I act as miserable as I feel or do I act like I am fine? When he calls should pretend I am fine or even happy? But will doing that eliminate his guilt? If I act depressed--which is real--will he stop calling or coming around?
Your MLCer will be as confused by your behavior as you are by his. Crying, depression and begging and pleading are expected and normal. An MLCer who is an Ego-Deflater may be surprised when you react this way because he did not believe your love was genuine. If you behave out of the norm, such an MLCer will believe that this validates his belief that you did not really love him and that you are happier without him, whereas victim behavior will disgust an Ego-Inflater who did not doubt your love and who considers such behavior a sign of weakness.

What this does is bring up a new question. Should you show your true feelings which are presently of a victim with an MLCer who doubted your love and feign happiness with an MLCer who did not doubt your love? Before answering, consider the circumstances of each behavior with each type of MLCer.

Victim with Ego-Deflater
A Deflater is already prone to seeing himself as a victim. Are two victims better than one? This MLCer manifests his feelings of unworth openly. He wants and needs reassurance of your love, but consider whether mirroring his victim behavior is an affective method. A victim wants someone else to solve his problems; your MLCer is not presently capable of solving your problems but may feel responsible for them anyway, this will only increase his guilt and feelings of worthlessness. Ego-deflation is a mask for anger; a Deflater fears his anger and thus suppresses it. If you take the victim role too far, he may explode into what will seem his opposite--in midlife crisis, he may be doing that already.

Victim with Ego-Inflater
Signs of weakness disgust this MLCer, but at the same time your reaction validates his feelings of superiority. He must be pretty awesome if you want him so badly. He must be a great guy since two (or more) women are fighting over him. He will continue his affair and may taunt you with his infidelity because it maintains the high-level of drama that is his narcissistic supply.

Pretend happiness with Ego-Deflater
This answers his fears; you never loved him, otherwise you would be sad and crying. While he wonders this, there is another nagging question or curiosity in the background of his mind; he may be aware of it early or it may surface as he progresses through the MLC tunnel. What is she doing that I'm not; how is she so happy? What is her secret? I want some if that. Joy is infectious and attractive. Initially he may react with greater depression when he believes your joy--or well acted false joy--means you do not and never loved him. Misery may love company, but it thrives nowhere. Two depressed victims in a relationship are co-dependent on and thus stuck in their shared misery.

Pretend happiness with Ego-Inflater
He cycles between relief that you are not standing in his way to attempts to incite you to argue since you are not providing him with narcissistic supply. He will accuse you of being in denial and of faking your mood. Since you may be faking, he is trying to shoot down your attempt so he can feel superior and strong. He will taunt and tease, charm and argue, trying any number of tactics to break your facade.

Love your MLCer from your strength rather than within your weakness. Do this by becoming strong and choosing joy. Since this is a process, you will experience periods of melancholy, you will feel anger, depression and fear. I've reviewed a few circumstances but provided you with no answers. What does that mean? It means crumple up the above circumstances and throw them away. How should you act? Well, I'd rather you be than act, but making believe can manifest reality: fake it 'til you make it. I recommend that not because of what your MLCer will think or do, but because it is beneficial to you, the benefits to your Stand are byproducts, but if it were something that were beneficial to Standing and detrimental to you personally I would not recommend it--and in actuality if something is detrimental to you it is also detrimental to Standing. Notice that the phrase is not fake it forever; the word until places a limit on how long you are to pretend. You are faking joy as practice for being joyful.

You are not going to stop his crisis. How you act now will not stop the crisis, erase his infidelity and bring him home where you will pick up where he left you off. It's not a train station; it's a train wreck and you both have to repair your Selves before you can repair your relationship--since your individual Selves are the foundation for your relationship. But you are presently worried about his present reactions. Regardless he will react and his crisis will get worse before it gets better. Being a victim is not beneficial to you; it weakens rather than strengthens and is thus not Paving the Way home.

Pretending that you are happy is not about being perpetually perky--get those pom-poms out of his face! It involves being real and part of that is practicing being joyful so that it becomes real. It also involves being sad and being angry. It is okay to confirm to your MLCer that you wish this were not happening, that you miss him and that the circumstances sadden you. But let him know only in an informational manner rather than through showing those things with emotional energy that is or risks becoming uncontrolled. Let him know that regardless of the circumstances you are choosing to find and create joy in your life.

[Piano]

just heard a funny expression "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" "Yeah but you can catch more with manure!"

Hmm...honey= acting sweet and taking the higher road

vinegar=NC and being angry, cold

manure= uh, s#!t happens? maybe allowing the natural consequences to take place and speak for themselves! You want to be a part time dad? Here you go. You want to try and stay friends with your S' mother? Sorry- no can do. But we can chat for a few minutes at each exchange about how S is doing (gee- just like I would ask a daycare provider about how S did! Glorious!) Here is the crap you dealt yourself, WH!

^^^ I like this, NM!

Manure = facing Reality.

[Piano]

Oh, and good post Whatnow!

[gatsby11]

Yeah, Whatnow, that's rather amazing stuff.