D - DAY HAS ARRIVED

[poet]

Dear Wonder,

Thank you so much for your very strong words of encouragement and explanation of why things are as they are.

I relish reading a post from someone who's been through the storm as long ago as you have ... and come out the other side intact.

I don't know. Call my needy. Call me silly if you want, but I look up to the oldtimers. I believe you know more about me than I do -- not literally, of course. And its not that I look up to you so much for definitions of who I am, or what happens in my future, or my past; but more about the scenarios of life after divorce, and maybe even why things happen, or about what leaving someone else says about the WAS.

In fact, I know I crave that knowing...that knowing what walking away says about the WAS. And even more than knowing, I needed to know the tiny little details about why they tried so, so hard to make us think it is/was our fault.

I can remember being devastated, almost insanely so (you can read my earliest posts if you really feel a need) but trust me, I was clearly incoherent. My H had me believing I was the flaw in the marriage, so much so that I had myself convinced it were true. It wasn't until I went to an intervention therapist who works with batterers and their wives, when I found out the my H was the real culprit in the marriage. And then, it was a long hard haul to get to the point where I was just OK with who I am.

Sorry for babbling on your thread, Lea. I think I'll go over to my own thread and splash it on there so I don't lose these thoughts in the mix.

Thanks again, wonder,
poet
My thread: This train: rolling down a no-come-back track

[lea74]

Thank you all for your input - it is all appreciated. Well the last few days have been a little crazy. Have been receiving some really mean texts from OW. Not sure why as she never has before - I guess now that the D is finalised she feels that she has the right to. There seems to be a bit of desperation in her texts as well as possibly guilt (probably not though). Anyway I have been exploring this in another thread over on Newcomers. Of course I am just ignoring all communication from her.

I guess what I dont understand is how after being together for 21years my XH can allow her to attack me like this.

We also have goings on about childcare arrangments - he would like to have my sons a little longer but my kids dont want to. In the words of S10 they just want to go slowly. Unfortunately my XH has had them around her since he moved out and has hardly spent anytime alone with them. He kept saying that they were just friends. They would stay at her house and I was never told or even consulted.

I have never denied him access but he seems to think that I have. I am always in the middle as my kids dont feel comfortable talking to XH about what they want.

Anyway Poet, just like you my XH has done a great job up until this point of convincing him that everything was my fault. He even suggests that I have made him move in with OW and now says that I am being hurtful and vindictive towards him about seeing our sons.

I know that I should just ignore this and that it is probably his guilt that is lashing out at me - but it still hurts.

Any suggestions to move forward.

[cat03]

Grrrrr, the same BS that ex threw at me when he shacked up with his crazy gf and thought that anything I said about he kids feeling bad was exageration and that I was trying to get to him (our kids' therapist actually rolled her eyes and said 'oh phluease, he is so full of himself!) It was hard for a while, as my son was also not comfortable but I had to send them his way anyways (looking back I shouldn't have perhaps).
Your case is slightly different, he already sees them the agreed time per the D, so if the kids are not feeling ok you dont' have to force them to go extra time... isn't the time he spends with them spelled out on the D? Just tell ex 'at this point son isn't ready, when he is I will let you know' if he starts spewing venom just tell him you are putting your son's feelings first and that he's just going to have to wait.

About the OW contacting you, double argh! ex's crazy woman would impersonate him and send infuriating texts to get me mad, but I caught it and put a stop to it. Next time the cow txts you tell her that you have all her txts saved and that one more of those will be considered harrasment and that you will be doing something about it legally... The exs turn into idiots when the ow is around and dont' think how one must be feeling...they are just pathetic insensitive loosers.

Just brush off whatever he says, if he wanted to see his kids often then he should've acted like a real man and kept his marriage vows, end of argument, his loss, you look out for the kids and you and no one else.

[lea74]

So now that XH has moved in with OW - while I am not sure officially, but he had told me he will be living with her. I know that he spends most of his time with her and cancelled his rental agreement on his flat.

So the quesiton is - how long do you think this will last??? He has not had a chance to be on his own - even though he had his own flat he spent alot of time at her house. They now live together - at what point will he grieve the loss of his family - will he ever??

I dont ask because I am hanging on the hope that he will come back, I ask because my kids spend alot of time with them and I am concerned that this R blows up they will be caught in the middle.

[old theotherhalf]

lea, it will last as long as he wants it to. Nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

[cat03]

as you know through DB, he has rewritten history, in his head all is ok, kids will be ok, no problem whatsoever... i have yet to hear of an x leaving for another person and feeling bad about it while living with the op. If it blows up, kids should be ok, doesn't seem like they are crazy about the situation, so I wouldnt worry about it... what is important is that they see you happy and well, that's what will impact them more.
Ex's soon-to=beex was a total cow, so when she left the kids didn't care one way or the other, didn't even say peep about it.

[lea74]

So overheard my XH chatting my sons tonite on the phone and he sounded a bit sad. He told them he missed them alot and that he loved. A small (very) part of me felt sorry for him.

Everyone the conversation comes up with him moving out, he always replies: I had not choice.

What does that mean?????


I dont drink, do drugs, have never ever cheated on him, dont steal, have never lied to him ( not even about some shoes I probably should have), I have always worked and contributed to the household. I turned a blind eye when he had inappropriate friendships. And yes we argued, who doesnt. The arguments we had the most, was about her and their 'friendship'. I decided not to turn a blind eye this time, did not tolerate the constant texting and phoning during our family dinners, parties, vacations etc.

I take full responsibility for my part I played in the break-up of our marriage - BUT I wanted to work on it and make it better. The biggest complaint from my XH was that I didnt put him first. When I asked him waht he meant, what he expected - he couldnt give me any examples. After alot of reflection I understood what he meant and started to work on it. (In my defence I probably did neglect him a little, maybe I was too comforable in our relationship - we have been together since we were 14years old and also he travelled alot so I was basically a single mom and was exhausted each time he came home.

Anyway, I made some changes - changes he even recognised. In fact the last 6 months before he moved out we had a great relationship, (in all areas) and then even after he moved out.

So why always the: I didnt have a choice?????

[cat03]

you can wonder why he says this and that until the cows come home and will never have an appropiate answer...you both are not in the same page, what you remember he's forgotten, what you think happened is a different story in his mind... once x accused him (the first time he left) that I made him leave and rent a room 2x as far from work... he actually blamed that on me! phluease...

Don't get all hung up about anything he says, and he's going to say stupid stuff, trust me, and there you will be all riled up and hurt... you know in your heart you did your best to make it work and made amends... if he didnt' stick around to see it then it's his loss, stop blaming yourself... the issues you mentioned were the same issues with me as well...except that I did work FT and still did 90% of the work at home... they will never fully recognize how hard we had it, their mind is too wrapped up in themselves.

[karen43]

Everyone the conversation comes up with him moving out, he always replies: I had not choice.

What does that mean?????

Don't know for sure, but sounds like immaturity to me. Grownups realize they always have choices, and try to make responsible ones.

[ClingingToHope]

You didn't mention the physical relationship. Was that still going strong or had that died as well.

Like it or not, that means a lot to guys.