I agree with G and NM.. be angry and I'd do some major NC if I were you. Your WH is so wanting everything right now (to be a father, to have his career, to have you as his friend) - well, NO NO NO. You have the power in your hands, Babydoll. You are carrying his child, you will be it's Mother - the prime caregiver. Let him know you don't take his actions (leaving you pregnant) lightly. What he did is NOT okay (I am surprised that all our WHs seem to think it is, or that it is 'for the best'...amazes me still). I don't mean become wicked towards him, but do what NM is right about how selfish he is and how he knows you want him back but 'doesn't feel' like being married right now. Stop being his friend.
Curious also to know what boundaries you set, if any?
Are you prepapred to do as G says and go NC?
For what it is worth BD, and I know no sitch is the same, but being "nice" and trying to provide opportunities for my WH to connect with the pregnancy and birth in the lead-up DID NOTHING positive for me or my DBing. Actually, it made things worse.
These WH's cannot 'turn around' before the birth. Best show them a bit of guts and go NC on them.
Am going to try NC with all my might. Not to 5! Or make him miss me or get him back. Am going to do it to begin getting used to life without him. Told him he is no longer to attend birthing classes, the birth, doc appts. No longer want him to call or text or email me, no drop by, no checking up on me.
Am seriously considering selling my wedding bands and turning in the divorce papers. This marriage is dead. Its gone. Not that it would ever happen, but it would take years to repair our relationship. And honestly am beginning to think H is not the person I want to spend my life with. A man who thinks bringing a child into a world of divorce is truly dimented and I couldn't love that person.
I am writing from my phone, PC still in the shop getting fixed. So I'm sorry that I'm unable to go into specifics or coments on ur comments. You are all so right. Thanks for the support. Wish he would fall in love with someone else so that I can just be done. Wish he would leave me alone too.
I'm so hot, and tired and really can't stand H anymore.
I miss my old H. Not this guy.
I could never trust him. Especially af ter thi s...
Talked to H about boundaries. He was not happy about them but said he has no control and its in my hands. Feel like yelling you could go to a IC to see your issues are!!! But what good would that do. Nothing or no one could make him feel differently for me. He doesn't love me.
So I text him this afternnon, after a weekend of crying and fighting and too many tears. I said the divorce papers are here for you to pick up. I get a reply about an hour later telling me he grilled food wand would I like some?! Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I shouldn't have but I called and calmly said, this is what I'm talking about. You don't love me and yet you want to always send me a "friendly" message of some sort. He said I read into things too much. So what... I admit it I do! But I didn't ask today if he ate! Said I'm the one who can't handle him as a friend in my life. I said what about the texts I sent you, said he never knows when to believe me. Says he ignore my angry messages bc he know they're out of anger! UGHHHHH
Am I his blankie? There for comfort, because he is afraid to move on completely? Tries to pull it off by saying he was just being nice and wonderef if I wanted to go over and eat or if he shouldve brought food to me? What?!!!!!
Babydoll, it is not NC if you reply to his texts or call him. This is a 2x4 (foam since you are pregnant) and I am telling you that from the outside looking in, it is clear that you go through these angry stages, then soften, then get angry...and WH will not take you seriously. It is very hard BUT YOU CAN DO IT- go NC. You can motivate yourself by feeling like you are proving to your H that you are serious- and will not go back to being soft.
When are you due again? I forgot!
Last edited by newmama; 06/01/1001:48 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I can understand why you are flabberghasted by his response to the divorce papers. Grilled food.... r--i-g-h-t... !! I am really peeved at your WH right now. I think he is callous to play you like this, and is completely unaware of the depth of hurt he is creating in your life. You don't deserve it, hon, no-one does. No matter how imperfect or unhappy the WAS was (without the LSB knowing it!).
OK so it is quite clear he is not taking you seriously.
I think you won't achieve NC unless you truly believe you need to break this dynamic.
Are you prepared to pull it together and show him a consistently strong front? Show him you know you are worth more. You don't need to SAY it. SHOW it. It's gonna be hard, and you will backslide, but start walking this path, I reckon. We'll help you (and each other!)
I left the signed Divorece papers and asked H to pick it up. I sent H the following email this morning. :
Today is June 1, 2010; exactly 5 months since you told me you didn't love me and left me. Today I am making a promise to myself to stop fighting for "us", for you, for a lost cause. I'm letting go completely, not because I stopped loving you, or because I don't believe we have what it takes. Rather I'm giving up, detaching and forgetting my entire past with you so that I can finally move forward and accept the good in my life. I have accepted that your feelings are true and that this is my fate. You and I were not meant to be. For some crazy reason, God had this planned for my life, and me holding onto a dream that doesn't exist is holding me back from being happy and living my life to the fullest potential. I'll never understand this and nothing can ever be an excuse for the immense pain I feel in my heart, so I must go on. Something greater in life is waiting for me.
From today forward my life is about my family, me, the baby and yes my dog, who has given more strength than anyone I know. I will no longer focus on you H, on our marriage, our past, or our plans for the future. All of those memories will be erased and forgotten forever. I no longer want to feel pain and sadness. I only want to be happy and feel love and accept love into my life.
The past 5 months will not define me. I refuse to feel the pain and hurt and sadness and anger, my family does not deserve to see me this way or feel this way. This is the new me. So what, I'm divorced at 30 and pregnant by a man who lied to be about loving me, and poverished and house broken. One day I'll be something more, a mother, a person who survived, someone of strength and courage. Maybe someday my son will see that me picking up myself off the floor when I felt like I died, to better his life is courageous.
I am no longer going to cry over you. I will never pray again for your love or asking god to open your heart to see if you feel anything for me. I will never ask you to love me or come back home or go to therapy with me or think of working things out with me. I will never look back and wonder if there was something I could have done differently to make you love me. I no longer want to change your mind or your heart. You made your decision a very long time ago. Today I accept it fully.
I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you for all the lies, and deciept. I forgive you for not loving me.
Today I accept only love into my life. I accept only the people who love me unconditionally, and whole heartedly. I cannot wish for someone to love me. I can only wish to be happy by myself and give my love to others.
From today forward you will never hear me tell you I love you. I will never ask you back or wish you would love me. I accept we are over. I accept the divorce. I accept that you were just a part of my life and now I must go on like you have. I accept that you and I were not meant to be but instead meant to say goodbye.
I accept my new life, my family, me, baby and dog.
I accept that you are gone and never coming back. Today I'm going in the opposite direction. I too am now gone and never coming back.
Please keep posting to us so we can support you and hear about your pregnancy. All of us deserve Hs who will FIGHT to get us back and beg forgiveness. I don't know if that only happens in the movies. But after reading your email and seeing that you signed the D papers, it is clear that is EXACTLY what your H will need to do to convince you he wants to be with you!! Is he man enough to do it? We shall see. Meanwhile you are setting yourself free to move on.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi, BD. Your letter is really heartfelt. Really tugs at the heartstrings because it's so raw.
Do what you feel you must. Although sitting on it for a week might be good. Because in the long run (the game of life) a week is nothing. But you'll run through the gamut of emotions during that time.
I challenge you to go a week with complete NC and then send the letter. Show yourself that you can and will do what you say.
Just my thought, don't do it if you don't want to!
