Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

W emailed me back today. She completely ignored my asking her to vacuum the house and she didn't make any comments about me moving back into the house. She also said nothing about me continuing to communicate with the bank for the house. No thank you for me mowing the grass...nothing. Boy is she something. Who is this woman? Whatever at this point. Games, games and more games.

She said she spoke to the agent and the agent claims she texted me about showings (um, no, that never happened), said the agent gave me feedback for showings (again, no) and the agent would be calling me today to discuss (hasn't happened yet). I told W in my last email that I do not want to be the contact for agent. W mentioned nothing about this...more disrespect. W mentioned to agent that despite some of the few things of negative feedback, she thought someone could make an offer if interested. Duh, no one has been interested yet. How many times is she going to say the same thing?

How do I respond to this email. Funny she waited until today (anniversary) to email me. She,of course, didn't mention it. I don't care. When I respond to her email tomorrow how should I handle it? The old me would have jumped all over this and told W that agent was full of BS, why did the agent wait so long to do x, y and z, etc. Should I bring up the vacuuming again? Me dealing with the bank? Me moving back home? Her being the contact with agent? These are all things she chose not to discuss. I think I don't mention me moving back into the house and me working with the bank. I see those two things are FYI type information I told her. I do think I should mention her helping with the vacuuming and her being the contact for agent. Is her not mentioning these things an example of her testing my boundaries?

When I first read her emails lately I have a tendency to think they are awful emails. By that I mean she is cold and distant in the emails. After reading them a few times I think that she is just being factual. I don't think she is trying to be mean. It does bother me when she ignores my comments and only replies to what she wants to reply to. What should I make of it that she didn't mention my moving back or the helping with the vacuuming?

[AtTheEnd?]

Take the emotion out of it. How would you treat an acquaintance or a friend? Don't mind read or put tone on an email, this will get you into trouble. Just answer whatever questions, and be direct.

My guess her email is her fear of dealing with any sorts of real issues with you. She is unprepared to deal with you and anything that would elicit an emotional response from you. Human nature is to only deal with easy things, and to avoid anything that causes discomfort. Don't take offense to it, just let it be what it is, and worry only about yourself.

[mza8]

Take the emotion out of it. How would you treat an acquaintance or a friend? Don't mind read or put tone on an email, this will get you into trouble. Just answer whatever questions, and be direct.

My guess her email is her fear of dealing with any sorts of real issues with you. She is unprepared to deal with you and anything that would elicit an emotional response from you. Human nature is to only deal with easy things, and to avoid anything that causes discomfort. Don't take offense to it, just let it be what it is, and worry only about yourself.

AtTheEnd, I thought your comments were perfect and I wanted to quote them all. You're 100% correct, take out the emotion. I have a tendency to put a tone on her emails. You said it much better than I tried to describe.

Your comments about her being in fear of dealing with certain issues make a lot of sense to me. Maybe that's it? Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with or what to say to those things? Yes, that makes sense.

I'll keep my response nice, upbeat and be direct in responding to her.

[gucci loafer]

You need to stop allowing your WAW to be the contact person and step up to the plate and take charge of contacting the agent yourself. TAKE CHARGE HERE.

Stop putting your WAW as the middleman. If you want things done in a certain way, then YOU contact the agent and YOU tell the agent one on one.

You can't possibly be so busy that you can let your wife email you back and forth what the agent said or didn't say, that you couldn't do by having the agent contact you herself. YOU are supposed to be the expert in this area. It is silly of you to let your WAW be in charge of something that is your area of expertise. Don't ask you WAW. Just call the agent and tell her what you want done and get the facts DIRECTLY from the agent.

8, you really need to get more decisive in your life. That will show that you are growing as a man and as a person. You should be getting to the point that you don't need feedback every time you eamil back and forth with your WAW. You know what to do. Come on man. You need to mature here. Stop using this site as a crutch.

[mza8]

Gucci, yes, I can take charge with the agent. The reason I haven't is because I have been the one to always take care of these things. W picked this agent because she was supposed to be so good. I have sat back and quietly observed and not said anything until this week. I have been the contact for the agent this entire time. My thought was that I would transfer that responsibility to my W now and let her deal with it. She is the one who wants to sell the house, do nothing to help and she chose this agent. I feel like I'm bailing her out again by taking care of this just like I always did. Should I continue to just stand by and watch W do nothing here? She has made no attempt to talk about M. Wouldn't this be considered her cake eating?

If you still think I'm wrong with this thinking please let me know. Yes, I can take charge again but what does it gain? Trust me, I'm not trying to be a jerk in my thinking. I read so much how we should stop the cake eating and hold them accountable for things. Then I read that we should take care of things. It gets confusing at times. Make no mistake though, I always took charge of these things in our M.

I always appreciate your advice. Thanks again.

[mza8]

Not much new to report. Still no further contact from W. I'm sure she had a wonderful weekend. I continue to GAL but I still find myself thinking of her constantly. I can't help it. This is killing me. When I'm out I look at other couples and see what I used to have with my W. Sometimes I don't even want to go out so I don't have to look at others laughing and having fun together. It's too hard.

Had lunch with the friend of mine last week. He and his W separated for one year and got back together. He left her alone and GAL. After a year she started to contact him again and said she noticed his changes. Said he seemed like a fun person to be around again. After being back together for about 6 months they are starting to have some problems again.

I talked to another friend of mine today who told me he was also separated...I had no idea. Gosh, so many people I know are going through or have gone through the same thing. Most in their mid to late 30s like W and I. Weird. Anyway, this friend was separated from his W for 4 years. He had some major changes he needed to make. They both went on with their lives but now she is contacting him again and wants to talk about getting back together. She also said she sees his changes.

I've definitely noticed a pattern with all of the people I've talked to in a similar sitch whose Ws came back...eventually. They all made the same mistake of the begging, pleading, etc. at the beginning. They finally gave their Ws space. They worked on themselves and in time their Ws noticed and were drawn back to them. Yep, I hear it but it's tough for me to believe it will ever work for me. It's now been 7 1/2 months since separation and W still has not talked to me about M...other than to say she's done of course.

My one friend said I should ask my W out to talk. I said I did this about 6 weeks ago (sort of...was really to discuss house) and was turned down. He thinks I should try again. The other friend I spoke to today said he wrote his W a "pour his heart out" type letter. He told her he thought of her daily and wanted to see if they could talk. I feel like I should do something here. Make some small gesture to try to talk. I was thinking of contacting a mutual friend that I haven't spoke to in a few months. She might have talked to W. I wanted to ask her for her opinion on what she thinks I should do. She also went through a similar sitch. I wanted to ask her if it would have meant anything to her if her H wrote her a letter expressing his feelings, acknowledging his mistakes and tell her where he is now. This is what I'm thinking. I'm sure everyone here will tell me this is still not the right idea and to keep on my path. When do you go off the path when it's not working?

Oh, about the agent. Was supposed to receive a call from her last Thursday but never happened. I took Gucci's advice and contacted agent myself. Gave agent a day before I called her on Friday. Got her VM and left a message to call me. I still have not heard from agent now some 5 days later from when she was supposed to contact me. Agent still hasn't put out sign yet that she was suppoed to day last week. I'm going to call W this week (not email) and give her an update. I won't bash the agent but be upbeat and just give W an update that I'm making an effort to take care of this. I'm sure I'll get W's VM and no return call but I'm sure I'll get a return email, "Hi mza8, thanks for the update...blah, blah, blah". Yeah, great, thanks W.

I know I sound all over the place today. This is sooo frustrating. I'm so much further along in my own life changes that I feel like I am now the exact person my W wanted last year. I'm happy with where I am now.

Oh, and I'm looking even harder for any evidence of a possible OM. Everyone still tells me no but why else wouldn't she talk to me yet. Sorry for this weak post. I know this is the weakest I've been in awhile but for some reason I'm struggling this past week.

[idontunderstand]

Sorry for this weak post. I know this is the weakest I've been in awhile but for some reason I'm struggling this past week.

No need to be sorry. We all go through it. It's why we are here: for support when we are feeling down.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

[CityGirl]

I am sure you will get a variety of answers on "when to go off the path".

Honestly, I can't even fathom the idea that you are considering writing your W a letter. Less than a month ago the gesture of flowers made her very uncomfortable and she expressed that to you. She wouldn't make a year commitment with you for the gym, she is using her maiden name and doesn't even respect you enough to respond to ONE chore you asked her to do for the house you BOTH own. What good would a letter do?

The best path IMO is to lead the way with your W. Let her know if she is not interested in discussing the marriage that is fine but you have decided you are no longer interested in being married without a spouse in your life. Get the finances split for good, let her know you are keeping the house and tell her to contact your attny with any other questions. You said yourself she does not handle crises well. And while in large part I think the idea of "creating crises" is not as effective as people hope, in your case your W sounds ill equipped to handle much of anything without assistance.

People cling to hope and we ALL need hope, what do we have without it? Hearing a story here and there about people that got back together is nice but it doesn't mean your story will (or won't) end that way.

You are allowing somebody else who seems to have little regard for you run your life. Why?

[CityGirl]

If I had to guess why she won't talk to you I would say (A) yes, there is an OM in some fashion even if it's just something she wants in her mind and (B) she views you as the obstacle to her happiness and financial well being.

I would also bet she knows she has hurt you deeply and is simply unable to deal with it. Your outpouring of love don't make it any easier for her. And while I don't think anybody should be TRYING to make things easier for a WAS I don't think there is much you can do aside from remove yourself.

[mza8]

Thanks IDU. I don't feel like I'm doing so great lately though. I was officiating a youth soccer tournament for the past three days. I found myself thinking of W a lot of the time. I thought it would be a distraction. Not so much.

CityGirl...sigh...I'm lost. She ripped my heart out. I miss her and want her back so badly. All of this because I was depressed after my company went out of business and now it cost me my M? I used to be a fun person, always joking and keeping things light. What happened? I cannot believe that because of what happened to me and how it affected me that I am not afforded an opportunity to make things right. Never mind, I'm just finding a different way of saying the same thing.

I was reading the book, 5 Languages of Apology. It gave me the idea for the letter. The book talked about telling the W that you truly recognize the mistakes. Don't know if it would mean anything to W to hear me say this to her? I don't know...probably not.

Not really any finances to split anymore. I'll know for sure in a month if I can afford the house on my own and would then tell W. I haven't retained an attny yet...talked to several but haven't retained one.

I've always been the type of person to gather as much info about any issue so I can try to make the best decision. Listening to some of my friends tell me their stories just helps me try to collect a bit more knowledge about this type of sitch. I can't bring myself to say it's over. I want to save my M more than anything.

You could be right that it's either A or B. God, please let it be B. It's getting so tough to remain positive. I gave her my love everyday. Even when I was depressed I still made sure she knew how much I loved her. I just can't give up.