I agree - great perspective - awesome post. I have been going back and forth about briging up/confronting H about his A again, but in the DB'ing books, it seems like it doesn't really encourage that. Every time I do- he denies it. Maybe this is the way to go. I don't want to push him away and twoards her. Though, it's crazy, because he is the one doing something wrong.
Marie,
One should ONLY confront a cheating spouse with a shock-and-awe arsenal of UNDENIABLE PROOF. Anything less, and you're just badgering them, accusing, and coming across as controlling. It's best to gather all of your intel, and then confront with a "I know all about you and _______, and it needs to stop -- now. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family" speech. When they demand to see what it is you know, you DON'T reveal the source(s) of your intel, only that you absolutely have proof, and you WILL use it, if you have to.
In my opinion, in order, it's best to:
1. Confront as outlined above, with absolute proof.
2. Don't confront at all -- just assume they ARE having an affair, and proceed accordingly.
3. Confront haphazardly, with marginal proof, and basically ASK them if they're cheating on you (which they will only deny).
4. Don't confront at all, and assume that they are trustworthy, and not cheating.
Sadly, most people do some combination of 3 and 4, when only 1 or 2 will have any prayer of working.
