Libby - how long has it been since your H started his affair with OW?
Must be some holiday if he comes back more depressed than before he went. I understand that sometimes they stay with the OP even when they are unhappy because they think that's all that they have left because they've already destroyed everything else. One of these days he will find the courage to call it quits with OW.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The affair started in Jan 09, he left intially in July 09 returned and then left in Sept 09.
I think he feels huge guilt about what he has done to me and the children. Having said that when he was 'awakening' it was lovely to see old H emerging from the depressed 'old' man he has become.
One of the most frustrating things is the way he now ignores the children ringing him. I am sure that OW is tightening the rope and putting more pressure on him too.
I know his world is not happy or fulfilling hence the holidays to capture some of the happiness he wants. Hence the depression when he gets back because he hasn't found it.
You are not that much off time wise from my sitch. My H's affair started in April 09 and I found out about it in September 09.
If the OW is "tightening the rope" that may be a good thing...not healthy for the relationship if she is trying to control him so much and making him choose between her and his kids. If that's the case he will figure it out eventually.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
H text this afternoon about D21. It is the first text in a month. It was upbeat and breezy and felt as if we had just been chatting!
He has also been to another holiday destination for a weekend that we went to as a couple and family. That is 3 places now in 6 months.
He is till not answering his phone when the children ring. He never answers it when I ring so I don't bother now.
Do you think he is moving into withdrawal? H is currently having no contact with any of our frinds, my family or neighbours. A month a go he was making contact and visiting my parents and speaking to frineds and neighbours.
I don't know about withdrawal libby, could be...they say that sometimes the stages overlap, but they also say that as long as they are still in the affair they are in replay....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Libby, Depression has withdrawal in the mix...this may not be the dark withdrawal that we refer to. Depressive people lose track of time and are focused only on what is in front of them at any given moment. It's too much of an effort to keep in contact w/others. If the OW is still in the picture...well...there's still replay to consider.
They go through periods of no contact with anyone and then during moments of clarity, will touch base again and then disappear again. This will happen for quite some time until the really deep, dark depression takes hold of him. I gather that this particular depression hasn't hit him yet. You are looking for clues to where he's at and unfortunately, he's still playing in replay.
Leave the analyzing at the door for a while and focus on you and your children. What are your plans for the summer. The less you focus on your h, the better it will be. A watched pot will never boil...and this came be applied to MLC as well. The more you analyze the more frustrated you will become and with that comes impatience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just when there are changes in his approach I need to learn more about MLC in general. The more I understand the more patience I can pull on. This is the first time he has cut himself off from everyone completely.
He def hasn't hit rock bottom yet. OW is still in the picture so he is still in replay.
Libby, just throwing in my support. It's so frustrating when he was peeking out and then the depression comes. It's the same for everyone, when the depression really hits, you can almost hear it in the LBS's threads.
At least you have the touch and gos to look forward to. I know, they stink also, but use them to help rebuild, and lay crumbs for him. When he's with kids, he is learning again, when he does come out and speaks to you, use that time to gently remind him and reassure him. Just be yourself and don't worry about where he is. Eventually he'll realize in his depression that being with her is hurtful and being with you and the family is pleasant and that will help him navigate. Be the lighthouse.
