Well here's mine

[Barkley]

I'm asking b/c it seems to me that you are DBing - hanging in there, making the changes, doing the work - but she's not budging. Makes me wonder what (who) is standing in the way.
Greek

She does have two "toxic friends". One, who I have known for 20 years. She is single, pushing forty, about 200 lbs overweight and has only had one boyfriend since I have known her. She has always been very clingy with my wife, and I have suspected that she has secretly been "in love" with her for years (whether she is conscience of it or not I don't know). In any event whenever I bring this up, I get dismissed with a laugh usually. If I bring up how tired I am of her tagging along all of the time, the wife gets defensive. This one tagged along with us over the weekend......only single person present with 5 other families.

The other "toxic friend" is the wife of my best friend who insists that she is "rooting for us" and "in our corner". That said, she has always been a TERRIBLE mother and has bossed my friend around for years. He runs the houshold and is pretty much the mother and the father duty wise. She is selfish, and is really the one who instigated all of the girl's nights out" to begin with. I believe she has been in "my wife's ear" for years telling her that "she deserves to be happy" and the like.

[Greek]

I see. So does your W work? Is she prepared to support her own household if/when she takes the leap out of the M? Do you see her making any plans, arrangements, moves to be independent of your household?
Greek

[Barkley]

Haha...(the headlock part). She takes this trip to her sister's every summer (has for the last 7-8 years)

[Barkley]

I see. So does your W work? Is she prepared to support her own household if/when she takes the leap out of the M? Do you see her making any plans, arrangements, moves to be independent of your household?
Greek

She does work, but I have seen her make no plans. In our last MC session, the therapist asked her flat out if she thought she would be happyier on her own. My wife said she didn't know becuase she had't really thought about it

[Greek]

So if there's not OM, and if she's not making any arrangements to get herself ready to leave...it sounds like she is going to give you a life in limbo. Unsatisfactory. You'll need to take some steps to shake that up. Ask any of the guys on here who have been through limbo - you don't want it. Sounds like it is time to give her the "I have decided I don't want to live like this anymore" talk - where you let her know that her passive aggressive disposition against the M will not be tolerated any longer and that you are prepared to live without her if she is unwilling to turn the corner.

I still don't trust that trip to Tampa, though. Gotta tell ya.
Greek

[skigol]

This is my first post after being a long-time lurker but I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there and done that. There are many similarities - 2x4 straight out of left field, three kids, hot wife partying like she was in university and then the cold behaviour after years of warmth and grace. For what it's worth I said no way to any kind of affair, but I was wrong, there was an emotional affair. Also for what it is worth we are still together, clear of the EA and much happier fourteen months later but it was six to eight months of challenges and agony.

[Barkley]

This is my first post after being a long-time lurker but I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there and done that. There are many similarities - 2x4 straight out of left field, three kids, hot wife partying like she was in university and then the cold behaviour after years of warmth and grace. For what it's worth I said no way to any kind of affair, but I was wrong, there was an emotional affair. Also for what it is worth we are still together, clear of the EA and much happier fourteen months later but it was six to eight months of challenges and agony.

Thanks Skigol. It sound like ya'll are coming out of it. Hope for the rest of us

[idontunderstand]

So if there's not OM, and if she's not making any arrangements to get herself ready to leave...it sounds like she is going to give you a life in limbo. Unsatisfactory. You'll need to take some steps to shake that up. Ask any of the guys on here who have been through limbo - you don't want it. Sounds like it is time to give her the "I have decided I don't want to live like this anymore" talk - where you let her know that her passive aggressive disposition against the M will not be tolerated any longer and that you are prepared to live without her if she is unwilling to turn the corner.

I still don't trust that trip to Tampa, though. Gotta tell ya.



Greek

Thanks for your continued support on my thread. I still need all I can get.

I have to agree about "limbo". It sucks. I guess I put up with it for too long. It sucks the life right out of you. It is no way to live no matter what the circumstances. If there is no affair, that's good, but there has to be some reason for her actions. SHE has to be the one to agree to work on things. If not, you need to be clear that YOU cannot live like this. It's hard to do.

I'm finally at the point that, no matter how much I want to save my M, if she won't cooperate and work with me and be 100% committed, she needs to find somewhere else to go. When I finally told my wife that, things started to change. It may be too late to save my M, but I will be better off without her poison in my life. And, she will be the one who will shoulder the blame of what it will do to the kids. She has become a selfish, immature teenager who is only worried about herself. Who needs that in their life? Not me and not you, either.

I know it's scary, but you must be adamant about what you NEED in your M. The quicker you make up your mind to do it, the better off you will be.

Hang in there.

IDU

[Barkley]

Well....the rollercoaster ride continues:

We had a positive MC session today. The counseler started out by asking how we were doing. I obviously told her not well, and that my wife had made no progress with respect to her feelings towards me. I went on that I had made the necessary permanent positive changes in my behaviour and our household that needed to take place and that she could either choose to "get on the bus" with us, or move on.

My wife indicated that she was a bit suprised and we had not discussed before the session (true). We all discussed further if seperation was the most logical solution at this point. My wife said no, that she would like more time (positive #1). We further discussed that the issue seems to be her holding on to all of the anger she has built up for me over the years (rightly so) and some methods to communicate to me, while I validate her feelings. In any event, the counselar flat out asked her if she wanted to continue to stay married to me and to work to do so. The answer was "yes" (positive #2).

At this point I am not sure that "emotional detachment" is the route to go. I think this may be more of an issue of me validating the hurt I have caused her over the years.

Any suggestions?

[idontunderstand]

Sounds like a good session. Getting communication flowing must be one of your goals.

At this point I am not sure that "emotional detachment" is the route to go. I think this may be more of an issue of me validating the hurt I have caused her over the years.

You may be right. Try it. As you know, this isn't one size fits all. If that is her problem with you and she's willing to stay and work on it, be all means, validate your a$$ off!! Do not tell her she's wrong about anything she is feeling. She can feel however she wants. Show her you understand and show her you are, now, the man she needs you to be.