Long story summarized in my signature at the end. I used to be a "regular" on here.
Valentine's Day was a wake up call of the amount of time we have been back together and things have not improved between us. It's been over a year. There are no intimate times between us, there is no laughter, no happiness, and I have lost desire now as well.
I've shut down. Of course, H "wakes up" all the sudden again, and wants to know what's wrong. This time I'm firm and say I won't speak to him about it unless we have a counselor present. H got one, amazingly. Counselor is pro-marriage, has all of the DB books on her shelf, and all of the ones I've read. She's good. I only wish we'd found her sooner.
I feel it is too late. I feel like if we didn't have it to start, if we couldn't get it after reuniting, .......we've tried everything.
What's holding us together is our son, and finances. Would life with someone else be happier? Maybe yes. But, part time with my son would make me miserable.
So do I just stay for my son?
Hope to hear from my old friends as well as maybe some new ones. Wonder if anyone is still around.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
As I told the therapist....I don't quite believe that it's going to make a difference. We've been here before and the hurt is deep. She is good.....and she is saying all the things that I have felt for so long and it seems like my H is listening.
I need people like you to tell me there is hope. Because I feel like our marriage is a sham. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of losing so much time and so much life.
What's your story, in a nutshell, Allen?
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Hi, whatami, I think you might have posted on my thread before. Have you heard of "the plain of lethal flatness?" Have you checked out survivinginfidelity.com? There is a "healing library" that has useful articles about reconciliation and of course a bunch of other stuff.
I just read that those who are in reconciliation often take about 2-5 years before they are feeling great about things again.
SO YES there is hope! Give it more time...commit to another year but really and truly give it your all!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Allen- Thanks for the book idea. I don't want to be one of those people that disregard all the advice and just come here whining. But, my first thought when I hear about a book is "Ugh, been there, done that...a million times". I have a million books, all are ones that I see on my new counselor's bookshelf. That being said, I'll check into the book. Doesn't look like a tough read.
Newmama- Yes, I posted to you before. I googled the "plain of lethal flatness"...sounds about right. More books to again try. I've looked at a few things on that other website, but nothing in depth. Thanks for the resource idea. 2 - 5 years, huh? Well, maybe that's it then...more time......I just keep seeing the years pass me by. I wanted another child.....it's not going to happen. I lose so much with the time.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Our very first counselor said that I can't assume my H can read my mind. That I need to tell him what I need/want. So, I did that. It just made it worse because even when I told him what I wanted, he didn't follow through. One example is Valentine's Day. When we reunited and talked a lot about how to move forward, one of the things we talked about was how I like flowers. I said, with a smile, "I'll make it super easy for you......I want a dozen roses EVERY Valentine's Day. I know it bothers you to spend that kind of money on flowers and you don't like to send them when they are expected, but you never seem to do it other times so I just want them on Vday. A dozen. Red. You don't even have to think about it. Just order it." So......Valentine's Day comes around and...nope, no roses. He bought me perfume from a mall that he went ot while on a work trip. Nice, but once again, he doesn't know me or care about what I need/want. It's what sparked me to realize that it has been a year and nothing has changed. We have been together for a year and still haven't had sex. Who reunites, but then never has sex? Us! It didn't seem to bother him. This has been an issue for a long time.
Ok....so what needs of mine aren't being met? I don't feel like I can connect with him on any deep level. How can he connect with me that way? I don't know. The hurt is deep. He could try to share his feelings more, not just superficial ones either.....this is what the counselor is talking to him about. I don't think he is capable of thinking for himself. He is void of personality. It's not just me, it's at work, too. He's the type of guy you don't want to get stuck talking to, because he says things that you have to fake laugh at, and then try to keep the conversation going on your own. There is nothing interesting about him in my opinion. I'm not attracted to him.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
1. My spouse and i reunited last fall... still no sex.. beacuse SHE had the affair and I don't want to have sex. I suspect your H is feeling the same way - violated 2. I asked you for a list of your needs, you gave me one (two if you count the complaint)... That's your only need? Flowers and sex?
And I suspect you gave this to him verbally, not in writing yes?
I am not trying to beat you up here whatami, I want you to read your post and ask yoruself if a VIOLATED MAN is going to intuit from what you wrote there how to please you in every way you want?
If you can't tell us, I assume your H is at the same state of loss... AND he feels violated, which just leaves him uncomfortable...
I don't want to have sex because it is just going to remind me of OM, and I don't NEED that right now when I am trying to forget about him violating my wife...
