I posted this on the DR pages, but due to time sensitive matters, I posted here for a quicker response.
It's been a long time, so I decided to start a new thread as if starting again.
My wife decided to that she "loved me, but isn't in love with me" about 4 years ago. We have gotten back together and tried to make it work several times. usually this lasts about 2 months and she claims it isn't working and wants to separate. About a year and a half ago she filed for divorce, but then pulled the filing and decided to try to make it work.
Last November she said it wasn't working again and wanted a divorce. I asked her to wait until after Christmas. She did. About December 27th she told me her and the kids were moving into her parent's house. When she left to move, the kids (who did not know anything of the divorce) started crying about moving away from me (they were 6 at the time) and she told them that when we sold the house we would all be back together again. After they went to sleep, she told me that she couldn't do this to them and that we had to work it out.
She then started coming over to the house more and more frequently with the kids. They started spending the night and pretty soon they were here full time. She told me that she was starting to have feelings towards me again.
Then about 3 weeks ago, she had a partial hysterectomy. When she came home from the hospital she stayed at her parents because there were no stairs. She seemed to be very cold towards me, but I assumed (hoped) that it was due to the medication.
Two nights ago she met me at the house and told me that she had a lot of time to think and she doesn't see this working. She said that she is going to file for divorce next week (this week coming up) and there is nothing I can do to stop her.
She closed out one bank account and separated our car insurance policies. She sent an email to my mother listing "my" bills and told my mother that I was going to need her support. She said that it is best because our marriage is a sham and she is not happy and if she isn't happy she cannot be a good parent.
I am beside myself and I don't know what to do. Please someone give me some advice. If she files (which I'm pretty sure she is going to do) she is going to feel like she has to go through with it because of other times that she has balked on this. She has it in her head that it's best for the children, but I am not convinced.
Just tonight, my son said to me that when we sell the house I'm coming with them. I just told him no matter what, he's still my buddy and I love him very much. A little while later, my daughter (they're twins) says to me that she wishes we didn't have to be apart because of mom's surgery and she cant wait until we're all together.
I did not tell them about the divorce or anything like that. But I'm not sure what to tell them. Whenever I bring these things up to my wife she get accusatory of me planting things in their heads.
I've read DB and DR, but I need some practical advice for not letting the filing take place. I can't tell her not to because I think it will push her to prove that she's serious. If I ignore it, she will do it just to prove she's serious.
And maybe she is serious. But I truly think -despite this going on for 4 years- that she is making a mistake. I am not abusive, I have no addiction issues, etc. When I ask her what is wrong, she tells me that "we just don't work..."
I'd also like to point out that I truly do not think she is having an affair. If she were, it is truly the lamest affair ever, as she is usually at home or school. I suppose anything is possible, but she has sworn that there is no one else and I am apt to believe her.
She claims to suffer from fibromyalgia, though many physicians doubt the diseases existence. Interestingly, they do treat it with antidepressants. I don't know if it is a real disease or not, but something is wrong and she isn't they same woman I married ten years ago. I often think she suffers from depression, but if I bring it up she gets angry and tells me that I try to blame everything on something else rather that the fact that our marriage has failed.
She told me she wanted the D on thursday, filed on Friday, and I received the papers on the following Wed. I can sign these papers, but if I get an attorney she says she has to "Serve me" I'm not worried about that, I can be served. I looked over the papers and found a few things that I want changed. However, she says I have to sign them in two weeks or else I get served. Again, not worried about getting served. But what I do want is to stop this and I have no idea how.
Please, anyone, I could use some advice. I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
Wow that is fast. Has anyone in her family talked to her? I would suggest talking to her physician to see if this could be a side effect of her surgery.
Has she given any concrete reason for not wanting the M? Or is it she's just not "feeling" it. If she's been suffering from depression it's going to give her the impression of not wanting to try anything. She'll focus it on the M, but it's much larger than that.
The fact that she's trying to rush things so quickly suggest that somethings up. Take back the control away from her in terms of the finances, etc. You can tell her to stop contacting your mom and others about your affairs.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I did talk to someone in her family. Her aunt, whom I get along with, told me that she had told her like a week before the surgery that she was having feelings and wanted to try to make our M work.
My wife said that she thinks those feelings were because I'm the father of her children. I told her that I'm still the father of her children.
I did tell her to not contact my mother in regards to those matters.
However, there really isn't much I can do in terms of taking back control financially. Her parents are funding her, not me, so there's little I can do.
She sent me a text message asking if I could get her any revisions to the papers tonight (instead of Sunday) so that she can get a new copy printed and I could sign it before the holiday.
I'm not signing anything without an attorney anyway, but I'm not about to get into all of that with her. The kids are my main priority and while she's being fair right now as far me seeing them goes, one can never be too certain about the future.
Here's the thing...this is not my wife. What I mean is, her behavior over the past four years in nothing like anything I've ever seen from her. I've known her since we were 15 yrs old. We're now 36. This just doesn't make sense. And since I've never cheated/abused/addicted to drugs etc., there really isn't a solid rhyme or reason behind it. I'm not saying I was the perfect husband by any means and there's certainly things I've had to and still could change, but nothing that could warrant such pent up animosity. I'm just not sure what to do.
Right after a hysterectomy is not the time to make such a big decision. Try to get her to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you. There's info on locations and dates on their website, www.helpourmarriage.org. They can help you. My husband and I lived unhappily together for over 20 years, and in one weekend, our marriage and our lives changed. It can happen to you too. Get her to go with you, even if it is only for the kids. The reason she walks in the door doesn't matter. The important thing is to go and to do it.
She needed a hysterectomy due to fibroid tumors. The surgeon said (and this was Northwestern Hospital, so they see a lot) it was the most difficult hysterectomy she had done on in the past two years.
She also has some hypothyroid issues, fibromyalsia (sp?). But I honestly think that there's a chicken and the egg thing going on, because I think she suffers from depression. This depression may very well be brought on by the above factors.
I can appreciate all the advice and concern I've been given so far, but I'm not sure exactly how to broach the subject. I'm afraid that if I bring it up to her (delaying the divorce, etc.)it will push her towards it. I don't want to use the kids as a bargaining chip, though I <i>do</i> fully believe that this is not best for them. I did once bring up that it was not good for them and she said that raising them in a loveless marriage is not good for them either. She said that she cannot be a good parent if she is miserable.
I asked her what the benefits of divorce were. I pointed out that we'd both be worse off financially, it would be harder on the kids, it would add stress on everyone's lives, and I don't think in the middle of that she'd find much happiness.
I asked her if there was someone else. She insisted (again) that there wasn't and I do honestly believe her. Still, I'm puzzled by the rush on everything.
If I had to guess (and that can be dangerous), I'd say that she is rushing this because somewhere inside she is afraid that she will back out of it. We agreed not to say anything to the kids until they are finished with school, and I think she wants it to be a done deal before telling the kids. Because the kids are not going to take it well and I think she is afraid they will make her second guess her decision.
When I ask why she is doing this, she can only say "We don't work together."
Honestly, I really think that 95% of this is financial. I think that we are not where we wanted to be at this point in our lives and she takes her frustration with that at focuses on the marriage. But I don't see how this divorce will be anything but a setback.
On Sunday, we're supposed to meet so that I can give her revisions for the Divorce papers she and her lawyer drew up. I'm not signing them, but here's my question-
I thought about trying to calmly discuss getting her to postpone the divorce (leave it filed, etc.). I feel that if she and the kids move back in and devote our energies to getting out life back on track we can start to move forward. However, I also don't want to push her in the wrong direction. If I wait another week, she'll have me served. At that point I have 60 days to wait it out and then call for mediation. But I truly believe if I could get her to take a breather and work WITH me on taking care of issues (even those "outside" of our relationship), she'd reconsider.
Well, tonight she is supposed to come over and discuss changes I need made to the divorce papers. Mostly, all the changes are in concerns of the kids (number of days I get them, which holidays are spent where, etc.). While, I know I can push her away by bringing up that I think the divorce is a bad idea, she goes out of her way to not speak with me at most times. So, unlike in the past, when she could see positive changes (even if she did not verbally recognize them), there is little that I can do in terms of things like the 180 that will have any impact on her at all.
So my question is (sorry for the multiple posts in one day), do I say anything at all to her tonight in regards to fixing the marriage or do I just give her the papers and let her serve me?
If I could get her to interact with me, I think I could stand a chance at fixing this. But the more she broods over there, all disconnected, I truly think she's convincing herself that it is the right thing to do.
Any direction or encouragement would be greatly appreciated! I need all the help/hope/prayers I can get.
Last night, she came by and we went over the papers. Everything went fairly smoothly until the very end. She tried to make me sign these papers and I told her that I wasn't signing anything until the changes were made. She understood. Then I told her that once the changes were made I needed my attorney to look it over before I signed.
She went crazy and told me if I was getting an attorney then she was going to have to serve me and I should have let her know earlier that I was getting an attorney (which I did) and all this paperwork could have been avoided because it was set up as if I did not have an attorney. She then accused me of trying to drag it out or stall (which in some ways I am) and that I could play this game if I want to but it doesn't change anything.
She then informed me that I needed to be out of the house by the 15th of June. She stormed out and that was that.
The whole time I kept it together. I defended my position, did not ask her to stay, did not talk about the good ol' days, only brought up the kids as it related to the papers. A couple of times she tried to push a few buttons to make me snap, but I resisted the urge and remained calm.
