I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

Thank you, CW. I do know him. This isn't him. It's who he's been for the past few years--only now everyone else gets to see it too. I miss my H. It's memorial day, maybe I should go lay some flowers somewhere in honor of his memory. It's like he's dead, I might as well.

Eric--I am mad. And hurt. And sad. Thank you for your kind words--I don't think I'm as strong as you do, however. I surely don't feel like it.

I don't want to make H pay, like your W seems to want you to pay. Maybe emotionally he wants to gouge me--but I'd be trying to read his mind to know for certain. I think he's lost his mind.

The ONLY reason he gets the kids right now is because he is living with his parents. His brother doesn't drink or do drugs. He's more of a "high on life" kinda guy. Although the GF does ride the ganja train WITH her daughter. (I'm seeing a great trend in parenting skills here) I told my MIL not to let him take the kids anywhere. She shook her head in an "absolutely not!" fashion.

If he lived on his own (or with his other on-disability-hey-Harold-let's-cash-my-gov't-check-and-smoke-and-drink-and-doobie-down brother) then they would absolutely not be with him. I'm going to see how my MIL is feeling this weekend and decide from there if they get the kids this weekend. I'm not holding them ransom for support money, nor will I be using them as pawns, I'm just not comfy with him acting like that and having the kids.

I even took the stuff for S'mores home with me because I didn't want to give H any reason to start a fire.


I'm just so afraid, Eric. I feel like I keep putting myself out there, only to be beat with a meat tenderizing mallet.

I think CW might be right. I think I need to go a little darker.

I wonder if my breakdown the other night has anything to do with this. I showed him a moment of weakness & he jumped on it?

I'm so confused.

[beingreal]

i read your other post and wanted to say F him. so...F him, that m-f-ing b$@tard, no good POS. i wish you could see me saying this b/c you would crack up (i'm this petite girl who well you just wouldn't imagine cursing ).

we're here for you...feel free to vent, get angry, change your mind the next day, have every other emotion under the sun, and repeat.

sending you some love ((shelbel))

Thanks pandora. That did make me chuckle. I need a good laugh right now.

((((backatcha))))

[beingreal]

Ah, just read the second post, E. Thank you...I think you are right.

My head hurts. Again.

Hey, I hope you brought back some girlie drinks. I'd love a grape Smirnoff right now.

Yes, Mach, grape flavored Smirnoff.

You can have one if you tell me wtf I should do now. Don't sugarcoat it though. You know how I hate the sugarcoating.

(seriously guys, humor me here, I'm trying to keep from breaking down)

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I'm back. Unfortunately no Vodka. I am sitting in front of a nice fire in mmy back yard with a HUGE glass of Port. Yes the backyard that I may be asked to leave (sorry bout that a little anger).

On a serious note - Maybe tonight is one of those wake up calls. You know the ones that tell you that it really is time to let the F go.

I think it is really time that Shelbel thinks about her. No more pussy footing around it - think for YOU and the kids. I am not saying be an ass@ole...hey wait a minute your a women....so I meant don't be a beeachh.

I would first sit down and calm down. Pour yourself a drink and just chill. Then I would cry and let out as much pain, disappointment and anger out as possible. Finally I would go to sleep. As hard as it may be try to keep your mind from racing.

Then tomorrow I would sit down and ask yourself...

Okay Shelbel - niow its time to put on my big girl panties (subtle attempt at humor) on and figure how....

1) What co-parenting do I want
2) Who will watch the kids so that I can work
3) How much money do I need to support the kids and myself
4) What boundaries do I need to establish

Then if u can go get a pedicure or a manicure.

Pamper your self a bit u deserve.

Finally - stop ythinking that something u did or said caused his reaction to you today! Stop that. You have no idea of what is going on in his fu@ked up mind.

I'll be back in a few...update how u feel on the alt.

God Bless
Eric

[Truegritter]

Yeah, a$$hat, you did.

Haven't heard that one in a while...Ha!

A$$hat...

I'm gonna have to dust that one off and use it.

Tough couple of days Shel?

You have been pulled back into the storm my dear.

I just wrote this on another thread...

If you feel like punishing him you haven't healed.

You have to do whatever way works for you take yourself completely out of his drama. His choices cannot be part of your life or your children's.

You have made some REAL progress from what I have seen for YOU.

Keep stepping forward my dear.

You have a great spirit and courage...

... dig down deep now.

You got this. You know what to do...

keep coming on...

[figgeroni]

shelbel...
if he is doing drugs

no amount of Dbing is going to work...

drug addicts are a whole different breed and I would suggest going for child support etc

get off the addict train
because he will mow you over without looking behind

[PEI]

((((Shelbel))))

Girlfriend ... go DARK! Like Alaska in the middle of the winter dark! Protect yourself and those beautiful kids from his addiction! You have strength you don't believe in but we see it. You've got what you need to get through this ... dig deep and remember to take care of YOU.

PEI

[beingreal]

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate you. Every one of you.

I feel like I need to clarify something...

I don't think he's hard-core, steal-your-grandma's-wedding-ring addicted.

I think he's using, hiding behind it & using it to cope--but full on addict, I don't think so.

Of course I could be wrong.

I don't know that it matters much right this minute,

Just having been down this path before, I know there is a difference between using, using a lot & addicted. I may get 2x4d for this--BUT when he is using, even using heavily, there are still those moments of lucidity wherein he thinks about reality. If he were full on addicted, it would be game over, not for me, just in general because there is no reality for an addict.

I talked to his mom, she's pretty convinced I'm right. She's not happy with him at all. He says she's blaming him for everything. I didn't mean to drag her into this, yet I am so glad for their support.

I want to go dark, BUT I'm afraid that I'll only get partially dim with the kids, I do plan on doing more communicating with his mom about the care of the kids while they are there. That should limit contact quite a bit between us. He called today, he's going to be in town & will just bring them home. He talked to me like yesterday never happened.

Maybe in his mind it didn't

Yes, I know every sentence has a *BUT* in it.

[beingreal]

He dropped them off today, no problems. Just knocked on the door, said goodbye & left. A little chitchat, no mention of last night. I had a hard time looking him in the eye, so I just stopped trying. I focused on my munchkins piling through the door.

He called a few hours later to ask about this weekend--he wanted to wait until Saturday to pick them up since he has to be here for a Tball game, anyway. I told him if that's what he wanted, he told me it was up to me. I'd really rather drive them down all the way on Friday night--but I don't know. I'm going to be busy Saturday afternoon.

Crazy, normal, crazy, normal. I don't even want to think about it anymore. Just get through the next few days & deal with him when I have to.

[Mila]

Shel - I'm sure that you've been propably reading the same MLC material as I'm reading. When they are in MLC replay apparently getting into drugs could be one of the symptoms. Some get into alcohol, some into drugs and some have affairs....They look for something to make them happy....to take the pain away.