You doing that just implies that you know what to do.. but you are scared. Or.. not ready.
What is your game plan? How prepared are you?
yes, i am scared. i am afraid of having the wrong game plan. it's like you have one chance at this. everyday i feel the lump in my throat get bigger and bigger. it's like the bigger the lump, the more pessimisitic i get. i'm not prepared. i don't even know how to start attacking this.
the only thing i've gotten from the posts is that i need to: 1. start thinking - about what? my future? 2. work on myself - smile more, think about what i want, stop reacting to his digging, eat, sleep.
i've already stated what i wanted in my m. i want my BFF back. i want to be able to laugh with him. i want to be the one.
forrest, you know how some people say that men want what they can't have? the only way that h will know that he can't have me is if i am with someone new. because he knows that i'm not the type to date. i really don't want to date others. but i can't help but think .. would that wake him up? btw, i'm actually afraid of dating. you told me in an previous post that i should not put myself in a situation with another man. i am really naive and i am afraid that i would unwittingly put myself in a dangerous situation. could i make my h realize that he can't have me without being with someone else? or is this a bad game plan?
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Actually I was kinda impressed with Coach asking the questions. What was he doing with that post? What can you learn from it? I felt a bit of "Emotion" in Coach's "question post". It was almost a "Crazy" post. Last I heard he was gonna retire. Maybe he is still looking for something?
i hope coach doesn't retire. there's one more m to save and it's mine. coach was db-ing me in the post. when i saw the post and it only contained questions, i thought it was more of an exercise to get me to focus on me. i actually figured it out when i initially read the post. i answered the post as expected because i knew that the objective was to put the focus back on me. i could have ignored it and continued to rant. but for my own mental well-being, i had to try.
what kind of emotion did you get from coach's question post? i looked at it from a pure "technical" standpoint. it was like an interview and i just use my brain and not my heart to answer. no heart involved = no emotion for me.
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I did not have an active presence here. I did not journal it out. Chalk it up to me being different. I will look thru the link's tomorrow and make sure it's there.
i spent some time looking through the archives but i didn't get to the links you provided me.
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Well.. right now.. not sure I want you to see him.
I suspect there will be some chances.. soonish.
If not.. we can create some.
i haven't tried to see him. no run-ins either. my next anxiety attack will come when we have to sit down with the mediator and hammer out the remainder of our agreement. what happens in that room will make or break me.
i am really scared. i hate conflict. i hate fighting like this.
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I am confused.. thought your H was your BFF. Why do you look at him different?
Oh.. that's right.. he should know what you are thinking.
He married you and everything.
Silly me.
with h it is different because the heart is involved. if i remove the heart and he becomes just an ordinary joe, then that would mean i have no feelings for him.
he may not know what i'm thinking. in his world, it's him and his parents.
married me? no, that was a mistake according to his parents.
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It is easy to do what comes naturally. Look at what you have done.. all because he should really know.. what you were thinking.
i don't know what i am anymore. i no longer have that effect on him.
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And sleep more.
oh boy. this i really need. i average around 5 hrs a night. not good for me.
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The only reason I am here.. is because I think you have something to show me.
I appreciate your words. It will mean so much more once you actually do something.
The "Work" is all laid out. It is in the posts.
What now?
i'm slowly working on me. i've kept myself busy. bought some new clothes here and there. i make sure i'm still grounded. you know what really made me relax and happy? the prospect of actually buying my own home. i went to the bank and asked about a pre-approved mortgage. i found out what i can afford. having borrowing power made me feel like i was one step closer to what i achieving my goal. for that moment, i didn't care about h. i didn't think about whether he was with someone or not. i just didn't care. it was about me and what i wanted. i thought about taking time off for my birthday. i would sacrifice the trip to achieve my goal of owning a home. i know you say not to do it yet. but the planning has me excited and it has me focusing on me. with a goal in mind, i am able to put a plan together. i don't care who is there with me at the end, but i'll be happy knowing that i was able to do this regardless of my situation.
why can't i do this with my m? the end goal is to have a better, improved m. i don't know how to achieve that. working on me doesn't guarantee me an m in the end. i've stopped reading other posts around here because all i hear is how db-ing didn't save their m but they saved themselves. it's too negative for me. that's not my end goal. why do we need to save ourselves when we all know that with time we will move on and we will be okay? this is why i'm looking to buy a house now. i don't want to wait until the d papers are signed and then ask "okay, now what?" if it doesn't get to that stage, great. but it would be a while before our m is back on track. we couldn't move back in together anyway.
