What are your goals? Is one to not react when he tries to get your goat? Do you also want him to initiate more contact/time with you?
What is he doing that is causing you to want boundaries in place?
How do you feel your R is inequitable?
Thanks for your replies, FA and newmama, before I go on.
I would just like to stop reacting. Mostly, my knee-jerk reactions are appropriate for my ex.
Let me describe my new guy like this: he's very cat-like. Mostly, I find this acceptable, due to all I know about it. I mean he's cat-like in that he seems to be very skittish about him and me. He won't go where he's not comfortable. He doesn't seem to mind my presence, but he comes closer when he's ready.
Again, I mostly am okay with that. I don't see it about him trying to control me, but him being comfortable with me, as a person who potentially has great influence over him, and a powerful ability to hurt, given the nature of the would-be relationship.
The boundaries come in because of the degree to which I feel his rejection. I want to be closer, and sometimes, we are. I want to be consistently closer, though, even though he wants to "hide under the bed."
The inequality comes because...in his effort to get away, he disregards my feelings. I'm really having to think this out, because I know what I know, and when I have some pieces squared, others don't seem to fit, right away, but then, some sort of validation comes that I'm on the right track, so just because things seem askew doesn't mean they are wrong. He's an interesting...um...cat. ;p
So, by his seeming disregard for my feelings, one might say, "He doesn't really care about you," or "He's playing you," or even, "He's leading you on." To be honest, these conclusions don't fit as well as the cat scenario. I fully believe that if he decided he was done, he would tell me.
That doesn't mean I should stick around, though. It's obviously hurting me, even though I can rationalize his behavior. As prairiegirl suggested, I think influencing him is a good idea. I really still like my open-handed approach. For a skittish cat (I own one), nothing builds trust better, and he's harped a bit on trust. lol. I think he may take for granted that HE has no ill-intentions, but forgets that I don't either, and if I have to prove myself, he does, as well. The other odd thing I can't seem to square is that in 10 months, he hasn't learned to trust me more than he has? I can find my reactivity at fault, here, but at the same time, I've done a number of other things to show that I am in for the long-haul, that I am not interested in anyone else, and that I'm willing to trust and to build trust.
The truth is, I don't want to date. I'm perfectly okay with being alone. I wasn't entirely ready for him, but certain things he said and demonstrated convinced me. They keep me here, waiting and wanting to get this worked out.
