The mixed signals are part of this...you can make a move and see how she responds. You could talk to her about the R. But see what the wise ones have to say!! (vets)
And as for telling her to move into the spare bedroom- why? I could see if she repeatedly tells you she wants to divorce you and still wants to sleep in your bed that it would be confusing. Is this why? When was the last time she said she wanted a D?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
newmama- My W hasn't spoken of D for about a month now. I haven't brought it up and she isn't pushing it. I went to see the MC by myself last week. When I came into the house my W told me i looked nice and she was curious how my appt went.
I told her about the appt and I kept things pretty vague. She said she had spoken to her friend about us and her friend thought we would survive but it would take time. She didn't seem to argue that but she never shows any hope.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
My W and I had discussed the OM for about a month off and on. She seemed ashamed at first and then started getting angry with all the questions I would ask weeks later. My MC said I should start trusting her again if I want this to work.
Currently there are no signs of her having an A, at least a physical one. She's home everynight and she calls me more often when we aren't together. I'm just not sure anymore, and I'd hate to let my guard down.
Yeah, questioning her all the time is no good -- it sets you up as the "traffic cop," and that's not very attractive, and not conducive to reconciliation. That's why transparency is so important -- it's the TRANSPARENCY SYSTEM that is the "cop", not the betrayed spouse.
I disagree with your MC -- trust has to be RE-EARNED once there is infidelity. To blindly trust is simply naive. Does this MC have any experience working with infidelity and successfully healing marriages harmed by it???
The mixed signals are part of this...you can make a move and see how she responds. You could talk to her about the R. But see what the wise ones have to say!! (vets)
And as for telling her to move into the spare bedroom- why? I could see if she repeatedly tells you she wants to divorce you and still wants to sleep in your bed that it would be confusing. Is this why? When was the last time she said she wanted a D?
Agree -- no need to sleep in separate bedrooms at this point. Wouldn't hurt to bring up getting back together in your own bed/bedroom.
I'm scared to bring up getting back together because of the rejection but I need to face it at some point. How do you reccomend I approach the subject. Do I keep it is simple as asking her how she feels about us? Has she changed her mind about the situation? Is D off the table?
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Well, ironically my W just called me and she said that she is worried about me. She said that she has noticed a change in me. I told her that I have been working on myself and I feel better. So the change should be a good change.
I thought it would be a good segway into how she is feeling and she said after 2 months she feels better that we get along and she missed that. She also said that she is not feeling any better about us, and she has to attraction towards me anymore. She said she has been feeling this way ever since our son was born. She says she has no sex drive anymore and is confident that she won't miss it.
I asked if she thought seeing someone about that would be something she'd like to explore and she said "NO". Somehow we fell back into the D talk and selling the house, etc...
I'm not sure what triggered this but we have been really communicating better and having some nice time together. She told me last night that her monthly time is near and she is hormonal but I can't blame that for my problems.
I'm so confused about the signals she sends me. I had asked earlier in the beginning posts if these were true signs of someone who wanted a D? Does anyone have experiences like this? Am I crazy to think my marriage can be saved?
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Oh, it can be saved, but she has to want to TRY. And SOMETHING (or someone) is blocking her from even wanting to try.
It makes me really angry when people don't even want to TRY to work on a marriage (unless of course there is abuse or something going on currently). 9 times out of 10, when these "symptoms" are presented, there's someone else in the picture, blocking them from wanting to try and messing with them physiologically.
I thought it would be a good segway into how she is feeling and she said after 2 months she feels better that we get along and she missed that. She also said that she is not feeling any better about us, and she has to attraction towards me anymore.
You pursued, she told you to back off, and you're not gettin' any.
You, then, pursued more, and you are back to D-talk.
Time to start thinking about what you want (and I mean serious reflection leaving her out of the mix while you do it as much as is possible. What does FFH want?).
So far her answer started out that she was happy having a nice room mate, and then it spiraled downward from there.
So... you have your answer for now. You live with somebody who isn't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you and would prefer it if you acted all nice in all of this.
Needless to say your hunch about not spending a lot on the house was probably a good one at this point.
Focus on finding a path that suits you with or without her.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I can tell you that there is no abuse. We have had our fair share of fights and nasty things were said in the heat of the moment.
Puppydogtails- in your experience do you have any advise on what I should do? Is it wise to spy? Should I let nature take it's course and let her make all the moves. I feel so powerless right now and I don't want to walk on eggshells for months to come.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
My advice would be to back way the hell off (stop pursuing her and "temperature-checking" the relationship), and spend that energy in some good, independent intel to find out if there is someone else.
The problem with letting her make all the the moves is that she is NOT the one who has the marriage's best interests at heart right now. If it were me, I'd want the moves to be made by someone who did, and that would be ME.
Look, I could be wrong -- there's not ALWAYS someone else. But my experience in studying thousands of these is that when behaviors like hers are presented, there is appr. 65-90% of the time. Either an EA or PA, or someone she has her eye on (emerging EA).
