I figure if and when he's ready to come back, facing his own shame is going to be hard enough, I don't need to be adding to it!
You are on it girl.
This is the right way to look at this. It(his choices) is not about you.
H is on his own journey, hopefully (right?) he will grow into a person YOU will have back.
Punishing them only means you have not healed...
Yeah - I know this is going to be a long ride, and a bumpy one at that, but I can see signs of this already. He's actually stepped up and is managing his money, parenting without me for backup and doing fine, shopping for his own clothes, meeting friends (even fairly new male friends *phew*) socially, being considerate (phone calls if he's going to be late/early) etc. He's got a long way to go, but for now he does seem to be on the right track. The more I observe, the more I realize just how unempowered he was. I want a husband, a man, that I can respect and who respects me. Everyday I get a little more comfortable in my own skin and with myself. I'm really getting to a place where I feel like I WANT him but don't NEED him.
Hi SA and Eric ... thanks ... today is a good day!
I'm currently reading Mars/Venus and it's been a real eye opener for me! We, H and I, very much fit the gender stereotypes as described. I'm learning a lot about what motivates each of us and how to express myself without invoking a negative response from H. I'm also really learning to not take it personally (thanks also to Laura Munson for that tidbit!). Last night H had some work left to do and discovered that he had left a file at his sister's house. I was getting ready to watch a movie. He decided to take the laptop with him and then work there for a couple of hours. I didn't say much, but then got upset when he left because it was supposed to be family/us time on Sundays. After he left, I was thinking about it from a Mars/Venus perspective and realized that this project was one he promised to have done by today and since following through is on his list of goals it was very important to him. He knew I was watching a movie so what should it matter to me right? Anyway, he worked for an hour then called to say he was on his way home. He came into the bedroom and sat with me and chatted (I paused the movie when he came in) for about an hour then went to bed. Reframing it in my head made a big difference in my mood when he landed back. No sulking, or being off ... just friendly chatting.
I'm still a little torn about how to handle next weekend. H has said he doesn't think he needs a party (which in Venusian would mean "please plan one for me to show how much you care" ... and I've learned, in Martian means "he doesn't think he needs a party" go figure LOL).
So that means he's home alone on Friday night, we're supposedly switching family day to Saturday (to accomodate him BBQing with Ag and the boyfriend on Sunday eve after his other committment) but he's got plans to play chess with my BIL Saturday night so no 'us' time at all this weekend it seems. Do I say anything? Do I just take him out to supper with the kids on Saturday and leave it at that? I've already been told that the bottle of Scotch and the midnight visit are probably not a good idea ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
