Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Moon, you're right. Crawling up in the ball DOES let some of that emotion up.... I actually do feel a little better now.

Also, that whole crying till you laugh at yourself and feel absolutely INSANE... yeah, felt that. Felt that big time.

Yeah, the Meet.com stuff was very sparse. There was a walking group that had met up once three years ago, and the rest looked to be "singles" groups... not really up for that yet.

I need to get a better net connection at home - at the moment most of it is on a prepaid mobile broadband dongle... and ocassional landline access. I'm looking into getting a wireless router, but I'm worried about burning big holes in my savings and having the car fund suffer for it.

Still, I've got the garage converted to have a few cheap full length mirrors and enough space to move in it, so I've got to start forcing myself to do some solo training, rather than thinking "solo time... time to collapse or sit in denial". PMA. Gotta work on it.

Geez, I reread my own posts and see the ridiculous level of mood swings in them. Not used to this level of crazy.

[PEI]

I've never been to Austrailia and hope to someday get over to your part of the world ... google my location and have a look ... it's small but a beautiful part of the world ... wouldn't move for anything

[blind]

PEI: Is that Prince Edward Island? If so, then yeah, that looks pretty remote! Let me know if you're planning on doing a trip down these parts and I'll try to give you some advise.


So anyways... I replied. I held out a good couple of days, but ended up caving... I guess it's an irrational fear of the weekend... or Friday night drinks. I dunno. It's not like I can change or control anything to do with her.

I replied short and sweet and said the brief highlights of my week like she'd asked. I kept it light, didn't mention the R...

I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment. I don't really know what to do beyond what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'd do if she turned up tomorrow... which I know isn't going to happen.

[blind]

So, it's been a long day.

I had three quiet nights in a row, last night only stopping out after shopping for nephew (now 2)'s birthday.

I had an old uni friend come to see me this morning, happy as hell with her two little kids in tow. We chatted and I told her about my sitch - one less person to know.

My back has started twinging, and I think I have a pulled nerve in my neck... so I went ot a massuesse to fix it... still causing me an almighty headache, but a lot better.

Had managed to stay in a very upbeat and positive mood until the birthday. Being surrounded by family just reminds me that she's not there... that everytime we've met up recently we had talked about "when she gets here".... I had to tell neice 9 that she's not going to meet her auntie.

I wanted to break down so many times while there, nbut I managed to hold it together until getting home, closing the door adn laying down.... and mid break right now.

I just feel so alone.


I'm doing everythign I can to fight this, to work through it.... and I just can't get ove how alone I feel.

I feel like I'm a teenager again. I feel like I left my life on the other side of the earth. I'd feel like I was giving up if I had something I could give up on.

I probably shouldn't post while like this.... but I feel like I've got no one else to talk to.

I don't want to worry my friends, and it kills me to see my family's reaction to me being like this.

Just want it to stop hurting.

[fullmoon]

Hey B, are you doing ok?

[blind]

Hey moon,

Yeah, I'm here. I've had a bit of a meltdown the last week or so....

I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do what I can from down here.

She emailed me again, this time much longer. Very chatty, very friendly. I waited 5 days before replying. I was friendly, but brief. I gave a quick overview of things while leaving a lot out... I just don't know what else I can do now.

I'm married to a woman who will barely speak to me. I can't see her and she can't see me. Is there honestly anything I can do?


Things I'm doing now are:

- Texting/Calling people all the bloody time... I think I'm pissing my friends off with the level of contact... but when I do contact, I'm doing everything I can not to bring up my R. I need to be a friend with them, not the moaning lump they have to drag around... previously I would spend time happily by myself working. This is something W hated... or so I found out after the fact.

- The dance lessons. Three styles and counting. I have found a friend's sister is on the in at a few other studios, and can get me chatting with the instructors. She's very keen and thinks I have a lot of talent.

- Still exercising loads.

- Driving lessons are going well. I'm about halfway through my 'logbook'... over here you can either do the sit down test or do it slowly with a driving instructor. Once the instructor signs off your book completely, you have a license.

- Told people. My colleagues know. Most of my family know. My friends know. Hell, my driving instructor knows! (Really sweet guy, offered to meet up and chat if I ever needed it... he was a WAS a few years back, but empathises very closely). I still feel the 'shame', but at least I'm not hiding behind it.

- Saying yes. People are doing something I normally wouldn't be interested in? I go anyway. I get passed a half hearted invite about something? I agree with energy and push through to try and make sure it comes to pass.

- Telling people what I really think of them. I used to not offer up compliments to people much (W excluded), and as a result I don't know if people ever really knew what I thought about them. Not anymore. I'm telling people how much they mean to me.

I'm losing weight, getting in shape, dancing better than pretty much ever in my life, earning money, learning to drive and wearing my heart on my sleeve....

...and I still feel like utter crap. I know I'm supposed to, and it's part of the process, but it's just hard to accept.

I feel like a fake here. Everyone here seems to be in a situation where they interact with their spouse 10x more than I do. They are able to actively practice Divorce Busting. I don't feel like I can do anything about it.

I'll keep on living, and trying and struggling... but I think I've lost all hope. I think I know it's over. I just feel so cheated... she didn't even do me the decency of talking to me. Ever.

So yeah... I can't think of any strategy I've read about that I can apply here other than what I'm already doing - which isn't so much of a strategy as it is just trying to live day to day.

Sorry if this sounds all crazy and down.

[fullmoon]

>I've had a bit of a meltdown the last week or so....

yeah I thought so.

We can text-chat if that might make you feel better?
I made an id "itsfullmoon" on hotmail.

You seem to be doing a bit better though?
I've been getting advise from a DB coach and feeling much better than I was, although my stitch is not moving very much.

[blind]

I'm not sure if I'd call it better... possible a tad more stable, but a tad more hopeless at the same time. I wish there was something I could do to work at it, but I'm not being given that option. Completely beyond my power.

There's a hotmail chat function? I'll have to look into it.

I'm still seeing a counselor, and trying to work my way up to full blown therapy. It's hard to acknowledge that my own problems have gotten that bad... but my wife has left me. How much more do I need?

I should look into the DB coaching... is it easy internationally?

[fullmoon]

yeah msn messenger.
At times I don't feel comfortable posting here, I have a feeling my H might be browsing. But below is what I was going to say.


The email your W sent, that's a "baby step".
It's probably a reaction to your not replying for several days (detaching).

My coach told me to take notice of these and to keep it up, basically what you need to do is to have light and positive communication to show them that it's fun to keep in touch with you. Make sure not to sound needy cos it's not attractive.
My H is still very angry and when he emailed negative or insulting stuff, a few days later I'd reply in a very calm manner telling him this is not necessary (not responding to the anger and setting boundary) and "I'm sorry you see things that way", ending the email with a very positive tone.
You know what comes back? A positive sounding email. So by keeping this up, apparently he will feel more comfortable to re-connect with me, and also "learn" to not talk negative with me.
A while ago I got inpatient and have backslid big time by talking about our R. Then it was back to 0 again... now starting the DB technique all over.
You know, I said the same thing to my coach, that I'm getting fed up with this and whether D or reconcile, either would be more positive than this seemingly limbo state.
She asked me if I need to make a decision right now. If not, this would be the best "school" for me to learn about being a better spouse... whether it's going to be my H or someone else down the road, by learning with him what works and what doesn't.
So really it's about me learning how I can communicate better, and to be more patient (which is soooo difficult).
Although my H was verbally abusive at times, I know I could've handled it all differently instead of nagging... so this is my chance to learn how and he is my best "material" to do that.
When I saw things that way, I felt much better. It's not that I'm looking to D right away anyway, I'm off R stuff for a long time even if we D.

Would all these apply to you as well blind?

Btw, I call the coach via skype in the middle of the night as they are based in Chicago.

Also, these are the books that are helping me tremendously
-" How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It "
-"Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Relationships)"

So far you have talked about how she decided to walk away, but are you starting to see what role you had in it?

[blind]

Hey Moon, I really understand the feeling about being watched... I keep looking at people's names and thinking 'is that her'?

I'll need to install MSN. I've not got a lot of bandwidth down here, so that may take some time.

A lot of the stuff you've mentioned here applies to me as well... she's not been abusive, but apart from that.

I find it hard to appreciate the emails as a baby step - I keep seeing them as laden with 'hidden meanings'... damn paranoia.

I've been putting a lot of thought into the whole "my side of things".

... and honestly, what it comes down to has been my world outlook.

I am a farily negative person, or more, I have been. I do have a lot of trouble with my selfesteem/self worth.
I don't always put myself forwards for things for fear of the risk of failure.

I can see now that this must have been hard for her to live with for a long time. She must have been sat in fear of how I was feeling, not wanting to see me sad anymore.

I don't feel like I was sad all taht often, but I can understand how it's come across like that.


It's something I'm trying to work on - something I badly WANT to work on... but I get the feeling that it's all a bit 'too little too late'. She's already left.
She doesn't want to know me. She doesn't think I can change.

How do I change? And most of all, how can I show her that I understand, and that I'm trying to deal with this?

And will that make any difference to 'us'?

It's a pretty hard thing to focus on your self worth when your W leaves you.

I know I'm really not supposed to, but I want to email her and tell her all of these things, and try to address the fears she's got about being with me.... but the rule is, no R talk.
With little to no contact, I honestly doubt I'll ever get her back. I'm not really sure what to do... my mind is even thinking of emailing her with a longer, more detailed reply than last time and working some of these elements in... bad idea though, right?

Feeling very confused... but I guess I know what other things I need to work on. It's a road map... it's a start.