Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Hey moon,

Yeah, I'm here. I've had a bit of a meltdown the last week or so....

I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do what I can from down here.

She emailed me again, this time much longer. Very chatty, very friendly. I waited 5 days before replying. I was friendly, but brief. I gave a quick overview of things while leaving a lot out... I just don't know what else I can do now.

I'm married to a woman who will barely speak to me. I can't see her and she can't see me. Is there honestly anything I can do?


Things I'm doing now are:

- Texting/Calling people all the bloody time... I think I'm pissing my friends off with the level of contact... but when I do contact, I'm doing everything I can not to bring up my R. I need to be a friend with them, not the moaning lump they have to drag around... previously I would spend time happily by myself working. This is something W hated... or so I found out after the fact.

- The dance lessons. Three styles and counting. I have found a friend's sister is on the in at a few other studios, and can get me chatting with the instructors. She's very keen and thinks I have a lot of talent.

- Still exercising loads.

- Driving lessons are going well. I'm about halfway through my 'logbook'... over here you can either do the sit down test or do it slowly with a driving instructor. Once the instructor signs off your book completely, you have a license.

- Told people. My colleagues know. Most of my family know. My friends know. Hell, my driving instructor knows! (Really sweet guy, offered to meet up and chat if I ever needed it... he was a WAS a few years back, but empathises very closely). I still feel the 'shame', but at least I'm not hiding behind it.

- Saying yes. People are doing something I normally wouldn't be interested in? I go anyway. I get passed a half hearted invite about something? I agree with energy and push through to try and make sure it comes to pass.

- Telling people what I really think of them. I used to not offer up compliments to people much (W excluded), and as a result I don't know if people ever really knew what I thought about them. Not anymore. I'm telling people how much they mean to me.

I'm losing weight, getting in shape, dancing better than pretty much ever in my life, earning money, learning to drive and wearing my heart on my sleeve....

...and I still feel like utter crap. I know I'm supposed to, and it's part of the process, but it's just hard to accept.

I feel like a fake here. Everyone here seems to be in a situation where they interact with their spouse 10x more than I do. They are able to actively practice Divorce Busting. I don't feel like I can do anything about it.

I'll keep on living, and trying and struggling... but I think I've lost all hope. I think I know it's over. I just feel so cheated... she didn't even do me the decency of talking to me. Ever.

So yeah... I can't think of any strategy I've read about that I can apply here other than what I'm already doing - which isn't so much of a strategy as it is just trying to live day to day.

Sorry if this sounds all crazy and down.