Well, it has been a week since I asked my H not to come home. In that time, my contact with him has tapered off.
I talked to him on the phone two days after I asked him to leave - I was in a weak moment and grasping for some sign of remorse from him. He told me flat out that he feels "relieved" and then went on some time about how I can't control him. Then he was tired and wanted to go. This night was the lowest I've been - and I realized he's right. I totally can't control him. I can set my boundaries and if he doesn't want to deal with them, that's his choice. And he doesn't seem to want to deal with them right now. So I vowed to back off.
But did I do it well? No . . . I told him the next morning that I was planning to give him the space he needed and then I executed on that. In the mean time, we endured D's ballet recital (cute, but not fun given all the tension and both grandparent sets present).
From that point on, the only contact I've had with him has been related to passing off our daughter. He did linger a bit dropping her off one night and chat with me - I was heartened by this but of course it didn't last long.
He went out of town on a business trip during the work week. I am almost positive that the female from work was not on this trip - I had pre-separation intel to go off and I know that this girls' bf or ex-bf is on the trip (also works with my H.). But, my H has had very little contact with me. He called wanting to talk to D one night out of four. No attempts to contact me beyond that.
Since I've had so little contact with him I'm starting to doubt my own commitment to making it work. The longer he's gone, the more I think I will be okay with out him. And, the more I stop second guessing myself about setting a very clear boundary with his decision to be involved with OW (even if it is "only" EA).
The question I have is . . . where do I go from here? I'm in limbo and not sure what to do. Should I sit on my feelings of ambivalance for a while? If it looks like we're going to have a longer separation than a week or two, should I be trying to have a plan in place for joint things (i.e. who pays bills, when our D is with him/me, etc.) Or just handle them as they come up?
I'm trying to GAL - I have weekend plans for the next 3 weekends coming up. But, is planning that far ahead something I should do in my situation? I'd love some perspectives on limbo and the consequences, both positive and negative, for decisions made during this time.
There are plenty of us who have lived in limbo land or currently reside there!
Here is the thing- it has only been a week. I am sure that feels like forever but he is not showing you how much this hurts him, right? Don't you think he is trying to show a poker face? Do you think that he doesn't think or expect you to last long- like he expects you will crumble and ask him back?
I would highly recommend having a plan in place for visitation of your D at the minimum....maybe a draft of the financial stuff just in case.
Am not sure how far you should go at this time with division of everything or treating it like you are temporarily divorced. I think just planning for what that would look like would be good, but then focus your prayer and energy on reconciliation after that!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I tried to manage things without any help for awhile here, but I'm stuck again. My husband is still not living at home - staying with at his parents' house. He maintains that I "pushed him out" and that he did nothing wrong. Says that all I can prove is that he has a close relationship with OW. Says he hasn't and will not do anything with her. But he's not interested on working on things because he "sees what kind of person I am when I'm so controlling, etc." Well, I went out of town last weekend. Was just looking forward to seeing my family and then it ocurred to me that with him in our house (he was going to stay here bc it provided more continuity for our daughter) . . . that he would have a chance to get together with OW once our D was in bed. I tried to figure out various voice recording dealios and when I couldn't get that to work I just decided to ask a neighbor to watch out for OW's car.
And what do you know . . . several hours after my plane landed in another place, OW's car was parked on our street. It was there all night, but gone in the AM.
I went ballistic!!!! OW in house with my D! I told my H. to brace himself for the shitstorm he was about to encounter as I exposed to everyone . . .
Well, H contends that OW's parents' house (where she is staying, I think) was being remodeled so her and her brother didn't have anywhere to sleep . . . so he was being a nice guy and let them both sleep at our house. He ended up sending me texts showing her in an in-process remodel. After he "proved" that her house was being remodeled, he said it all just reminded him why he can't be with me - because I'm so unreasonable.
Either way, it's crap . . . why would a married man have a woman-in-question over to his house to sleep while his wife is away?
I'm telling you . . . I get closer and closer to completely throwing in the towel all the time. I thought I was there last weekend right after it happened - then, I thought of having to share my D on Christmas and I softened.
But I really don't know where to go from here. This stinks!
Oh let me just add that I discovered the caveat of threatening to expose before doing it. At this point, I'm not sure if my H is maintaining that there is no A. because there really isn't one, or if it's because he's terrified of me exposing to his boss, HR, etc. Because, yes . . . I threatened.
You know something, Melody, you can just take a break and do nothing for awhile. ha- even though you aren't supposed to threaten to expose, the silence from you will make him nervous for awhile because he doesn't know if you will do it or not!
Have you been communicating much with your H? Has he been trying to get hold of you? What are you doing and how are you acting while he is at his parents' house?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
For better or worse, we have developed a routine where he comes over while I'm here to hang out with our D. He will stay until she goes to bed - helps put her to bed and all - then goes back to his parents' house. I've let this go on because this keeps me from having to tell my D. what's going on - she doesn't ask questions when she sees him frequently. He was working so much prior to this issue that she just thinks daddy's working on the nights he isn't here.
Last weekend when I found out OW was at our house, I flew off the handle and told him he wasn't welcome here while I was here anymore, etc., but then I think I just felt so awful about what that would mean for my D., I recanted. Today, for example, he was over most of the day.
I realize that this can't go on forever - but I really don't want to worry my daughter until I know it's for sure. I just feel so awful for her - this wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her to have a 2 parent family and not have to be torn between two. And selfishly, I don't want to give her up on holidays, etc. I'd rather share than not see her at all.
I realize that this can't go on forever - but I really don't want to worry my daughter until I know it's for sure. I just feel so awful for her - this wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her to have a 2 parent family and not have to be torn between two. And selfishly, I don't want to give her up on holidays, etc. I'd rather share than not see her at all
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I understand completely!! But you can start to be gone when he is there-make sure he sees you are going places, getting your life together because "you don't need him" and will find someone else if he doesn't take you seriously. At least that is the message you show when carrying on w/ your life. If you want, though. And there are other variations- check out DR again.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
There is a world of grey in between the white of accepting his obvious affair, and the black of "flying off the handle."
Simply lay out a boundary -- "I will not accept another woman in our marital home and around our daughter. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family. If it happens again, I will expose your obvious affair and file for divorce immediately."
I just re-read your entire thread. I think you were handling this perfectly, but maybe where you slipped up and veered off track was the day you posted that "he has since locked me out of all of his e-mail accounts." THAT is the day you should have come down hard on him, telling him that "I can be left with no other conclusion than you're still in contact with OW, or at least you want to be able to. I think I have some decisions to make."
That, and the morning you told him "I will give you your space." When a wayward spouse asks for "space," it simply means "I want space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." It's a fine DB line to walk, because we do actually have to GIVE them space, but you can't TELL them that you are because they take it as tacit approval of their infidelity. You give them space by your ACTIONS -- by "dropping the rope."
I think you should go back and re-read those early posts by Newmama, and re-find your center and your moral strength. You're REALLY close to getting it, but I think you slipped up just a bit, and your husband -- addicted as he is to OW -- drove right thru the loophole.
Well . . . it goes from bad to worse. I've been working with a new counselor who was coaching me to just look at the positive and ignore OW and such and try to make myself the woman my husband wanted to be with. Maybe that's still the good solution in my case. BUT - in the mean time, some of my coworkers saw my husband kissing the neck of another woman while they were out on the town. This is the first irrefutable proof I had that my husband was anything other than a "close friend" so of course it's a huge blow to me. You know what they say about ignorance being bliss . . . well on a good day (prior to this) I was able to fool myself into believing that my husband was telling the truth and that it was only an EA, not a PA. He still denies everything else, but obviously trust is completely out the window.
We talked tonight - I probably shouldn't have but I needed to know where he was at to gauge what I should do. He says he feels terrible - he was crying a bit - says he doesn't know if he could forgive himself if he were to stay with me. When I pushed him he basically said he thinks it's over. He's not willing to compromise at all to save the marriage - not ready to come back, but doesn't want to give it up completely either. Made a comment to the effect of "he's just delaying the decision that is inevitable" which of course is D.
I am bouncing between distraught and sad and just outright ANGRY. At the same time, I know he's a broken man right now. I think we got married too young and piled on too much responsibility - he is blaming me for what we both did to ourselves, but right now, the only "out" he sees is D, not us staying together. I know in my heart this is what's going on - he got overwhelmed and blamed me for our responsibility instead of taking personal responsibility and making decisions to lower responsibility while keeping M. together.
So, given this, I'm still stuck. I could continue to expose the A and put pressure on my husband to end relationship with other woman. I could start divorce proceedings. I could do nothing and hope that a loving approach and a willingness to stick it out through everything would help. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that last thing - it really feels like abuse, and possibly is abuse. But, I do love my husband and it doesn't feel like love to hurt him more. And, yes, I'm scared that by pushing really hard I will lose him - that if he's cowering from the crack of the responsibility whip, that it's not going to be the responsibility whip that brings him to his senses.
In addition, I have bigger questions: so what if I pull out all the stops and save the marriage? Is there really hope or will the fact that things got so bad create a pattern to return to in tough times? Am I teaching my husband that he can abuse me (those of you favoring the tough love approach would say yes, I suppose). I work with kids for a living and no one approach works for all kids - so I guess spouses are like that too - maybe tough love works for some and softer love works for others?
Also, will a tough love approach create such a strain on the relationship that it's impossible to be the kind of parents our daughter needs? I think the only way divorce works for kids is when the parents are able to compose themselves and get along for the sake of the kids. Is exposing and making things difficult on him really just going to hurt my daughter in the long run?
Lastly, wondering if anyone has heard of any examples of "tough love" working for women. It seems that the success stories are mostly written by men - and I'm wondering if a man fighting for his wife in this way characterizes him as "strong" and "assertive" whereas a wife being this aggressive makes herself look less feminine . . . just asking because my husband definitely appreciates a girly girl and has a strong internal revulsion to feminist theories (Imagine him stating that marriages lasted in the 1950s because the women knew how to care for the men then . . . ).
I really appreciate everyone's ear and having this as a safe place to get my thoughts out and hear support. This is such a wonderful venue to talk because there are no consequences. If I tell my mom . . . well I know I will have to live the rest of my life with her knowing and judging my decisions . . . ya know?
