Just follow your wife, she seems to be trying to initiate things here and there.. when she tries, cooperate... If she just wants to be left alone then don't push her...
It was a beautiful day out and I asked W a few times if she was up to doing anything, she did not say no but would say "not right now" I would let time pass getting myself occupied then I would ask her again if she wanted to do something, each time something different.
Eventually I just said to her "I know you are hurting and are not up to doing anything, just relax. I am going to go to the cookout and allow you to rest." I then left and went to family cookout by myself. Of course while I was there everyone was asking about her.
I got back home W was still sleeping, she did wake up shortly after I got home and asked if something to eat. We then sat in bed watched some TV and had a little conversation....
There was an instance where W the dog bumped into W sore arm and W started to groan in pain. I placed my hand on W arm and kind of rubbed it for her asking if she was OK. Then years of habit prompted me to do it. She did not pull away or object thou.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
while w was in bath she txt messaged female co-worker and deleted the messages from phone.
W had grabbed my phone from night stand, I had a txt message I did not want her to see...I was trying to plan a gathering for tomorrow to go on a boat ride and did not want her to see the plans just yet, so I took the phone back and deleted the message. This sparked an attitude from her to me, as I tried to explain all I would get is "whatever it does not matter anyway" "I'm done, its fine, it does not matter"
I then was able to explain to W what was going on and let her read previous txt messages about the plans so she knew I was doing nothing malicious.
W watched TV together and and looked at some old pictures. I asked W if she heard from FIL and she had just received a txt from him. I said to W "I don't know what it is if anything but I txt ur father often about updates on GF and he never responds. He use to send me updates but does not anymore" W just played dumb and said "maybe he assumes I will give u the update."
I asked W if I could see her phone, she gave a little fit and handed it over...I said "You delete your messages often, you did not do that before" W said "If I want to delete messages I will delete them" I said "I know, and I am not saying you can't or should not but would you have a problem with not deleting them?" W asked "Why"I said "Well I don't delete mine and are free to see" W said "That's fine, delete them if you want I am not going to govern your text messages" Then she gave me a pissy attitude about how I asked that question...
When ever my W does something it is fine, but if I do it then I am being a jerk or hiding something. Although my intentions are good I am getting caught up in this mess and I look like the bad guy as if I am the one being dishonest which gives her the fuel she needs to continue doing what she does
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You are too wrapped up in this. You need to stop all the interfering. then you won't have anything to hide. As I remember, her complaint about you is that you are too controlling. What are you doing to fix that? I see a lot of focusing on her problem, and none on yours. Even if she comes around and decides, "OK, I don't have any better option than to stay here with OIN", she will look at you and think, "yeah, but he treats me like his prisoner, I don't want to stay here".
that's the thing, I have done so much work on myself and this marriage and all she has done is cause more damage.
I made 180s, I got the help I needed. She lives in the past and fails to see the present OIN.
I start to think that when people say "make the changes and your WAS will notice" is a myth but I still made the changes to better myself.
As for the controlling part, yes I am caught up in her nonsense but I am just trying to protect myself. I won't sit back and let my W damage our marriage by being a dishonest cheat.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
OIN your wife has been fantasizing about another man for MONTHS... THAT is what is holding her back... NOT YOUR EFFORTS...
There are other things messing your wife's head up besides anything you may be doing.
If you change what YOU are doing that doen'st mean your wife is suddenly goign to snap out of it... Your wife has a LOT of myths in her brain about marriage in general, not to mention fantasies of running off with woman's husband... THAT is what's holding her back most likley, NOT you.
I know OM claims he's staying away and all that, but he's already messed your wife's head up now... It's going to take her months to process his exit... You have a very stubborn wife who doesn't give things up easily... OM is going to have to make a LOT of grand statements to make it clear to yoru wife that he is 100% committed to his wife... chit chatting to YOUR wife in private just REINFORCES her fantasy.. .he's been DOING that for MONTHS... MONTHS...
Keep all your messages on your phone... The next time your wife wants to see your phone call her on deleting her messages...
"If you want us to trust each OTHER.. and I Have a good reason NOT to trust YOU either then we are BOTH going to have to STOP DELETING and HIDING MESSAGES... BOTH of us need to follow the SAME GUIDELNES if we want to trust each other here... ok?"
She will throw a fit, tell her she is welcome to see your phone if she hasn't removed her messages from her phone.
Educate her when you are interacting, don't just hand phones over.. TALK to her so she understands why its being done, and REINFORCE that SHE isn't 100% trustworthy either...
If she makes a fit, and she may tell her
"You were chasing another woman's husband for months... everyone at work knows about it... If you want to be trusted, you have to act trustworthy... Deleting messages does NOT make me trust you OR you trust ME does it?"
SHe will likley throw a fit and walk away...
That's fine, you got your point in... Each time you have a chance to talk.. at HER INITIATING IT... you educate her GENTLY... I think she DOES get it... she's just growing up and acting like a stubborn teenager... she doesnt' WANT to grow up so she's being beligerent.
The fact that she DID hand you her phone is a good sign, so try to remember that... She is showing that she understands trust is bi-directional... you both exchange phones at the same time right?
No, she puts up a fit about handing over the cell phone. I hand mine over usually with no objection, I then ask for hers and she will ask why 100 times before she does, even then it does not matter because she removed everything.
All I am to my W is a big mistake. This is the word she uses often for passwords ect..
I never expected things to be great or even OK between us in such sort time but I never expected them to be this bad either.
Her bitterness and the grudge she is holding, I don't ever see it going away. People see the toll this has took/is taking on me and many say "Just let her go she is not worth it, she is not the person she once was so why bother"
Seems now that W is trying to keep me out of her family's mind. Her aunt just wrote her an email about a few things and ask how I was doing, W ignored it. W family has gathering every year on memorial day. I ask where the gather is this year and now its "I don't know, I don't think there is one"
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
