I know my post above this one is pretty pissy, but I promise I did my best to keep it reigned in. I came here to vent. My comments to him weren't good be anymeans, I really took the bait. I'd been ignoring for so long that I gave in a little when he started to berate me for a situation he helped create.
That said...
I drove the kids to the halfway point, he wasn't there. I'd been calling the house, no answer. Finally his brother visiting from out of state picked up, H had left with some guy. Figures. But the boys ADORE their uncle, so I drove the rest of the way there--just another 20 minutes.
I get there, H is there. First words out of his mouth were, "What's so f%$#@^g important that you need some ME time?" No response from me. He continued along the lines of I threw him out, I don't deserve any extra help, they are my kids, yadda yadda.
I reminded him that my mom has them when I work, his mom even helps me, I don't understand why he has such a hard time taking his kids for an overnight. Verbal barrage continued as I unpack the car, then repack the car because I wasn't leaving the kids there, then unpack it again when I decided to not give him exactly what he wants. The entire time he's yelling at me, in front of his brother--this big, sweet, lovable, quiet Harley guy who really was married to bat-chit crazy at one point. I could tell by his face that he was not happy.
"Gee, H. I can't imagine why I'd 'throw you out'."
I went inside to talk to his mom, she looked so tired, he followed me in & let loose on a full-out verbal assault. In front of his mom, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, his grandmother and our kids. I tried to stand my ground, but I'd forgotten what this looks like in the six weeks since he's been gone.
He started in on the "demands" I've set for him, rattling each one off after he's twisted it. "And you want me to see a shrink??! Yeah, sure, make me look like I'm the crazy one!!!!!"
"You're doing that well enough on your own, H."
He tried to tell me to leave, but I needed to talk to my MIL, so he left. I broke down right there. She said that she had never seen him act like that. I told her he'd been acting like that for two years towards me. His grandmother came to where I was sitting and just wrapped her arms around me.
I'd forgotten just how terrifying he can be. I'd forgotten how afraid I am of him sometimes.
His grandmother said she thought he looked like he'd been drinking, his mom said he hadn't been drinking. I told her I thought he'd been doing drugs again. She said, "Well this would be the town to get them in." H had left with his brother's friend, Harold. Harold--this low life pissant peddler of cheap drugs.
Going away for 15 minutes with Harold and NOT getting drugs would be like going into the VIP room at a strip club and NOT getting a lap dance. There really is no other reason to hang with Harold.
Answers that question.
My MIL said that he'd been saying that I threw him out because I didn't want him anymore, but if that was the way he'd been acting, then she couldn't blame me. "...he can't stay here either if that's the way he's going to act."
"I just can't do it anymore, MIL."
"No, you shouldn't have to."
More crying from me. It's not just all in my head like he'd like me to believe.
I told her I love him, but that's not enough and I have to protect me. I have to protect the kids--and I'm afraid that after they are gone (his parents & his grandmother), any relationship he has with the kids is going to end because I'm scared. He can't be in my home like this. I won't be afraid in my own home.
When I left H was walking with his brother. I would bet money he'd given him an earful. I doubt it does any good. I think he's too far gone right now.
I'm sorry...I do love him, but I just can't do this. I don't know if I belong here anymore. MLC or no MLC, I can't wait for him to get his crap together if it means sacrificing myself. Or my kids.
I will love him from here, but I'm washing my hands. I'm dropping the rope, not because I just can't handle it anymore--but because I'm afraid he's going to hang himself with it and I'm not going down with him.
Someone please tell me what to do now.
I don't know if I'm standing, or if I'm just standing in the line of fire.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
