My wah won't leave ow. We are currently separated-he moved out and is staying at a friends place. After 15 years together, 4 years married, he wants a D to pursue ow. We have a D1.5. He has agreed to C for our communication issues-he is passive and doesn't talk about any R issues. But is it too late?
Q : Is this counsellor a FAMILY THERAPIST or an analyst of some sort... ?
1. Make SURE this is a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST who is TRAINED in working with INFIDELITY... Ask in ADVANCE how they HANDLE family therapy when one of the spouses is actively in an affair... Ask LOTS of QUESTIONS BEFORE your H gets involved so you KNOW EXACTLY what you are getting him INTO.
2. Also... Have you gone to the therapist first? ALWAYS SCREEN the FT FIRST so you KNOW who you are SENDING your H to... never go to a FT blind with your husband with you... a LOT of them make things WORSE.. Buyer beware
3. They CAN help, but you DO need to be VERY SELECTIVE
4. Lots of people here have fought affairs and their spouses have returned... but you DO have to take an active role in combatting the affair directly... tip toeing around it will NOT HELP. There is a LOT of hope yet... An affair is not the end of a marriage... Lots of people here have worked to bring their spouses back...
5. Post as much detail as you can on this forum and we can try to help you further.
NOTE : Please try to use line breaks often, tables, lists, summaries etc... Try not to just spew everything in one huge paragraph as it makes it very hard to follow and help you out.
I got the ILYBNILWY speach on Easter...then three weeks later he wanted separation...left for one day and he decided to come back. Two days later, he finally admitted to A and left.
I believe he is in MLC. He lost his mother and brother last year and found out he has heart issues. The health scare prompted the A. Said it was supposed to be a quick, quiet fling, but he got caught up in it and is in love with younger OW. Wanted to be left alone so he could be happy.
His tone has changed somewhat since the bomb from the usual I never loved you, I had doubts about the marriage, I was never happy to agreeing to go to C. The first couple conversations he was in tears from the guilt of leaving. I thought it was funny that he got what he wanted and was the unhappiest.
Found out the A is mostly fills a sexual addiction. They don't talk and avoid confrontation. I feel he is trying to still get the emotional support from me. I feel i can't make an ultimatim about he A at this stage.
My usual strategy is to suggest you expose his infidelity to close friends and family who may pressure him to end his affair and act to respect you again...
Failing that, I would suggest cutting him off from "emotional support" entirely.. he's not living with you so simply NOT CONTACTING him at all is do-able... no access to home, you, or family etc...
If he cheats and you introduce no consequences, the affair will run longer. The sooner you attack the affair head on like this the easier it will be to end. The longer he's connected with her the tougher the fight will be to get him to walk away from her.
I feel i can't make an ultimatim about he A at this stage.
I don't know that healthy boundaries and ultimatums are the same thing.
Nobody knows what you are willing to put up with but you, but it isn't wrong to not want to be the only one working on your M, and right now you are the only one working on it.
I know how it can feel, but I don't know exactly how you feel about it. If you can let go while still being open to working on your M should your H return after the A runs its course, well... that is for you to decide. I couldn't do it while still living in the same house with my STBXW, and I tried.
No matter what path you chose, I suppose, you need to make taking care of yourself a priority since there is no M to work on while one spouse is in an A.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
If he cheats and you introduce no consequences, the affair will run longer. The sooner you attack the affair head on like this the easier it will be to end. The longer he's connected with her the tougher the fight will be to get him to walk away from her.
This is very true. If you read on the female threads around here, there are some (including me) whose Hs have been in affairs for 1-3 years and they are still not divorced...but the H is still in the affair! So consequences are very necessary to speed up the end of the affair. I just started to apply harsher consequences in the last month but it could be too little too late.
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I feel he is trying to still get the emotional support from me. I feel i can't make an ultimatim about he A at this stage.
Ultimatums don't usually work well for immediate results...in several cases you will see the H gets pressured and runs to the OW. BUT if you can cut off your emotional support, I think that is your best move at this point!
I would arrange a visitation schedule (has that been done yet?),set boundaries where the only communication between the 2 of you is about your child, look up information on divorce or consult a lawyer (just so you have that knowledge because it is very empowering although scary), and figure out what you will do with your life if you divorced (it will give you strength which will scare your H).
Come here to get suggestions on how to word what you will say to H when you tell him, essentially, that he will pick up and drop off your child during this separation. Don't give him emotional support! Treat him like a neighbor but don't invite him in!
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No matter what path you chose, I suppose, you need to make taking care of yourself a priority since there is no M to work on while one spouse is in an A.
Based on others' stories (and my own) MC will probably be useless while your H is having an affair. But if your MC is a family therapist like Allen recommends, perhaps that will yield a different result. Most MCs have little knowledge with how to deal with infidelity it seems! SERIOUSLY!!!
The tool is to be the walk away spouse from your H- like you are just going about your life, quietly confident that he will be back. By withdrawing emotional support and by putting boundaries in place, he will respect you more and this causes you to be attractive. There is a lot more to this whole thing...it is very hard and no guarantees. But at least you can feel like you did everything you could to bust the affair.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
There's a subtle -- but yet HUGE -- difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries."
From my own personal archives (adapt as needed to fit sitch):
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
so MC was very confusing. He agreed to give up the A and want to recommit to the M, but doesn't want to spend time together yet. It is like two separate relationships. One on the phone where we have open discussions on the A and committment to make the M better. The other in person, where it is extremely awkward and no talk of the relationship. Like what was said was forgotten.
I am totally confused. I don't know what to do. I know I should be patient, but we are still physically separated and I am unsure if he reallly means what he said.
