MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

In this post I just need to unload, I will respond to your posts later.

This stupid garden work...H actually replied that he will come and that he can spend couple of hours to tell him what I want him to do. I said fine, come and do whatever you think needs it the most.

When he came he pressed me again to tell him what I would prefer he does....I just repeated do what needs it the most.

I didn't pay any attention to him, he went out and in 5 minutes he was back in going into D's room and talking with her for about 20 min. Then he did some work outside and then back into D's room again. Anyway I stayed out of his way and at the end he asked if he can talk to me.

I said OK and he said I think that I understand why you don't want to see me. From now on I can come and do yard work when you are not here, so you don't have to see me, just leave the gate open, I won't come into the house, I just want to help.

I said that (I know stupid) you don't have to come and do yard work to relieve your guilt, I can find someone to do it...and how can I trust that you won't come into my house when I'm not here. He said "Because I'm telling you that I wouldn't and I'm not doing yard work because of guilt, you don't know everything. I said what don't I know? He just walked away and went to D's room.

I lost it and tears were going down my face, so I went to hide in the living room. He found me there. I said "You see this is why I don't want you around, because I don't want to cry anymore". He said "Do you want to talk?" I said no, there is no point. He said "I asked you to go to counseling with me, so we can communicate better" I said "I replied to that request, but I don't see the point, you are still sleeping with another woman". To that he said "I'm not sleeping with anyone"(ugh????)I said "what do you mean that you don't, you are having an affair", he replied "I'm not having an affair, we are separated" (Ugh???)I said "we are married" and he said "we have to go through the process"...whatever that means

Then I told him that a conversation like this is exactly the reason why I don't want to see him. I get emotional, but I'm working on it and one day I'll catch up with him and just won't care" He replied "Do I look like I don't care?" I didn't say anything and he just left.....


Bad, bad, bad....conversation...got sucked in again

I'm doing pretty good when I don't see him, I'm stronger and ready to go on without him but every time there is a face to face interaction I have a hard time staying detached. Why can't I just stop caring, why do I react to him?

Today he actually looked sure of himself, like a man decided and happy with his decision...maybe that's what got me rattled