I love my husband, even after what he has done, and I would do anything to make our marriage work. I have been married for 15 years, with my husband for almost 20 years. He is 38 and I am 36. He is cheating on me with a 19 year old kid. I tend to think this is some kind of mid life crisis - to which he says isn’t the case. But, he says, I am fat, bald and old. He has poor self esteem, in my opinion. Note: he has denied he is cheating on me.
I have way too much proof to the contrary, including the people he works with and people in the town we live in, not to mention yesterday hearing him tell her he loves her - not knowing I was there. I asked him right away, and he said I made it all up in my imagination.
I don't know where to begin - but I do know I have been doing everything I can to save this marriage by myself, for about 6 months or more now. I have the DB books. I don’t argue with him over this and I try not to bring it up, as it is so painful for me – and he knows this – I have told him how hurt and devastated I am. I do everything for this man, from cooking and cleaning to supporting him in every way I can. I feel like I always give, give, give and don’t get anything in return.
Backtracking – he told me about 6 months ago, he wanted a divorce and hasn’t left only because he cant afford to. This was a huge shock to me – it really was – I had no idea. BUT, I think this is only because of this little tramp. I still can’t believe it- a 19 year old kid – this kid, mind you, has never had a family –her parents weren’t married, she was kicked out of place after place and I have heard she is looking for a father figure.
My husband is using OUR money to buy this tramp things – even letting her use his car. It’s horrible. And he still denies it. My question is – WHY won’t he admit the truth to me? WHY is he saying they are only friends? Forget the fact a 38 year old man has no business being friends with a 19 year old.
I don’t’ know what to do - he had said, back then, he didn’t love me anymore. You can’t make someone love you or fall back in love with you. I still think if the tramp weren’t in the picture, he would realize he does love me. Its all fun and games with her – NOT real life. Not bills and kids and work, etc. He hasn’t brought up getting a divorce in months. I can feel, though, that he is not happy and he doesn’t want to be here. He makes a point of never being home – not even to see our kids.
I do know he is very selfish and self centered. How you can lie like that – sneak around all the time, behind my back – but, I did catch them together twice in his car. Other people have seen them together, too.
Can a marriage really be saved if only one person is trying, the other one is having an affair, which he denies and if the other person says he doesn’t love you? That he wants out? I don’t’ know what else to do, but this is killing me, but I will not give up. But, I don’t want to spend years like this, with no love or affection.
What do I do? Thanks for any advice you can give me.
What do you do? You lay out BOUNDARIES, and you let him know what the CONSEQUENCES will be for crossing them.
And then you ENFORCE that.
What consequences, if any, has there been for him for his infidelity? You cook and clean for him, pledge your undying love and devotion, and pursue him? How's that working out for you?
Men -- heck, PEOPLE -- are path-of-least-resistance creatures. We will get away with what you allow us to. Time to stand up for yourself, Marie. As long as he is getting some of his emotional and physical needs met by this girl, and the rest of his needs met by you, he's not going to change a damned thing.
Thank you for that wake up call. You are right - just like the first book says, don't do the same thing that is not working for you. I guess the reason would be I am afraid If I give him a untimatum, he will leave. I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years, and am just getting back to working part time, can't support myself and my kids. And a million other reasons.
But, the biggest one is I do love him and don't want to lose him. Forget about the fact he insists they are only "friends" And,I keep hopoing he will "snap out of it" and realize what he is doing. If he can't admit it to me, maybe he hasn't fully admitted it to himself. I am sure he has some kind of justification in his own mind.
I have to stop being a doormat. I sent him and email, telling him I wanted it all stopped with her - and I didn't get an answer. Then, I IM'd him and he said he would re read it and answer - that didn't happen, either. he makes a point of never being home, so it's hard to talk to him. Never mind we have two kids that would like to see him. I have talked about this with him - over and over, but he keeps denying it, so that is why I restorted to the email.
I am trying not to bring it up - I do know, through this, I have become a much better person. I am a better wife than I ever have been. But, he is a lying jerk. Sometimes I wonder if I love him or the man he used to be. Sorry, as you can tell I am really confused. I have been though all the emtions - from devastation to anger to hurt to guilt over what I could have done different, and a lot of other things.
We have had our share of issues in the past, but nothing that was a big deal. To this day, his biggest issue is he thinks I neglected him when the kids were born.
About a month ago, I told him he had to be either in this marragie or out of it, so he said, fine, I am out of it and I will leave. (though, he didn't, according to him, only beucase he had no where to go and couldnt afford to) I know he doesn't realize how good he has got it.
If you change yourself..then what is left to do? The book says by changing yuorself, you will see a change in them, too..but that isn't happening. If someone says they don't love you anymoer and havnet for years...you can't make someone feel something that isn't there. He doesnt even want to try, refuses to see a counsler..said I am beating a dead horse. But, I still don't want to give up.
I stood up before God adn promised for better or worse..and I guess I intened to honor that and keep hoping he will change. Is that really possible - somone coming back from having tht atitude to wanting to be married and happy with you?
If you change yourself..then what is left to do? The book says by changing yuorself, you will see a change in them, too..but that isn't happening. If someone says they don't love you anymoer and havnet for years...you can't make someone feel something that isn't there. He doesnt even want to try, refuses to see a counsler..said I am beating a dead horse. But, I still don't want to give up.
marie - this is the exact question i asked myself several times when my W wouldn't even look at me....then i found out about her A and busted it...we are both trying harder than we have in a very long time, and yes 5 months now since she told me she didn't love me and wanted out, she tells me she loves me.
not saying this is going to work out for you or not - either way the changes you make are for YOU. you need to continue improving yourself for YOU and realize that you are going to be a better person no matter the outcome.
my opinion until the A is busted your changes may continue to go unnoticed (also probably partly whey they are not noticed now), but don't stop!
have you considered exposing his A?
Gman
Last edited by gman; 05/21/1006:15 PM.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
That's great, gamn. I am glad to hear you have hope. I hope everything is okay for you.
I tried. I have asked him many times, and he keeps denying it. I have cards from her to him, saying he will get her naked for Christmas, which I confronted him with. I overheard him telling her he loves her on the phone - he thought I was at work - didn't know I was home. I confronted him right away - he told me he was talking to himself, then changed it to I made it up in my imagination. I don't get it at all. I am at a loss. I still don't get it - this kid is young enough to be our daughter. 18 years younget than him - a 20 year old kid. It' crazy. I pointed out to him, he is throwing his family away for something that wont' last.
I don't understand when he knows he is "caught", why he keeps lying. I hope, in the back of my mind, becuase somewhere in him he does still want us to work. Or maybe he is just using me for everything I do for him. Knowing if we get divorced, he will lose everything, including the house and the kids.
So, I don't know if I should confront him again (which makes him really mad, which is partly why I don't or keep pretending it isn't happening)
I do think he has noticed all the changes I have made - though,I feel he is the one that really needs to make them. The biggest changes I made have been putting him before the kids.
For now, I am waiting for this "affair", to blow over. I keep saying it can't last much longer. This is a kid - a toubled one, who has gotten kicked out of her mother's house, sent to live with her grandfather - total basket case, literally. Her parents were never married. Her father is living with someone he got pregnant - this kid obvoiusly was never taught morals or values. My husband is the adult - I just dont' get it. I hope its as simple and as complicated as a mid life crisis.
I am tired of being lied to, disrespected and used. I am tired of being lonely and always wondering if he is with her. I am tired of not being able to trust...but the alternative, I guess, I am not ready to face.
I do know if I said to him - stop the affair or leave - he would leave, just becuase he doesn't like being told what to do.
With all that said, I won't give up and just hope he snaps out of it and is the man he used to be.
You are not only being a doormat, but you're being a nagging, whiny ninny too! Come on girl, you know what you should be doing. Instead of giving that kid all of your power....get up off your knees of begging and pleading, and start showing some spit and fire!!
Stop going over & over & over it with your H. Do you really think he's going to tell you that he's hot & heavy with this teenager? Why would he do that when you are supporting him, then going home and acting like his nurse maid?
Look, the man is obviously bored and wanted some sparks, so why not show him that? But instead of pursuing him, start dolling up aNd going out at night and getting yourself a life! You are smothering him worse than an old setting hen. Maybe you need to remind him (and yourself) what it was that attracted him to you in the first place.
Instead of acting in fear of what he may do or what that 19 yr old may do......get some spunk and take charge.
Hey, I know women have power......you've just forgotten how to use it. Men say that the sexiest thing about women is self-confidence.....which we can have at any age. The older we get, the more confident we should be in ourselves. I'd say you have a little edge on the kid, wouldn't you? But if you coward down like some defeated animal, then that won't fly. I think you've got what it takes to turn this around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have asked him many times, and he keeps denying it. I have cards from her to him, saying he will get her naked for Christmas, which I confronted him with. I overheard him telling her he loves her on the phone - he thought I was at work - didn't know I was home.
So you don't need him to admit it, Marie. You KNOW it. Face it.
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I confronted him right away - he told me he was talking to himself, then changed it to I made it up in my imagination. I don't get it at all. I am at a loss. I still don't get it - this kid is young enough to be our daughter. 18 years younget than him - a 20 year old kid. It' crazy. I pointed out to him, he is throwing his family away for something that wont' last.
You DO get it. He is a liar. He is a cheater. He is throwing his family away for a 19 year old bit on the side. You DO get it. You just can't believe how stupid that is. But it is - he is - and this is happening. Now...time for Marie to get smart and strong.
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So, I don't know if I should confront him again (which makes him really mad, which is partly why I don't or keep pretending it isn't happening)
You know that answer, sister.
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For now, I am waiting for this "affair", to blow over. I keep saying it can't last much longer. This is a kid - a toubled one, who has gotten kicked out of her mother's house, sent to live with her grandfather - total basket case, literally. Her parents were never married. Her father is living with someone he got pregnant - this kid obvoiusly was never taught morals or values. My husband is the adult - I just dont' get it. I hope its as simple and as complicated as a mid life crisis.
It doesn't matter who she is. Doesn't matter what he's going through. And it may not blow over. There is plenty for you to do for you. #1 is quit thinking about what they will or won't do. You cannot control that. You can control Marie only.
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I am tired of being lied to, disrespected and used. I am tired of being lonely and always wondering if he is with her. I am tired of not being able to trust...but the alternative, I guess, I am not ready to face.
You have to face that you have - for now - lost him to another woman. Your husband is cheating on you - breaking your M vows and taking his family down. So, Marie to H: "I know what you are doing and I will not allow it in this home any longer. You have a choice and you must make it right now. You can either cut off all contact with OW, be transparent with cell phones, email and whereabouts, and go to counseling with me to resurrect our M... OR ... you can leave tonight and I will begin interviewing lawyers Tuesday morning first thing. I will keep your clothes and personal belongings here one week - plenty of time for you to find a place. If you have not picked it all up by then, I will store it in the garage for you. But you may not live here and keep her."
Then you stand by it, lady. STAND. BY. IT.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I have asked him many times, and he keeps denying it. I have cards from her to him, saying he will get her naked for Christmas, which I confronted him with. I overheard him telling her he loves her on the phone - he thought I was at work - didn't know I was home.
So you don't need him to admit it, Marie. You KNOW it. Face it.
Quote:
I confronted him right away - he told me he was talking to himself, then changed it to I made it up in my imagination. I don't get it at all. I am at a loss. I still don't get it - this kid is young enough to be our daughter. 18 years younget than him - a 20 year old kid. It' crazy. I pointed out to him, he is throwing his family away for something that wont' last.
You DO get it. He is a liar. He is a cheater. He is throwing his family away for a 19 year old bit on the side. You DO get it. You just can't believe how stupid that is. But it is - he is - and this is happening. Now...time for Marie to get smart and strong.
Quote:
So, I don't know if I should confront him again (which makes him really mad, which is partly why I don't or keep pretending it isn't happening)
You know that answer, sister.
Quote:
For now, I am waiting for this "affair", to blow over. I keep saying it can't last much longer. This is a kid - a toubled one, who has gotten kicked out of her mother's house, sent to live with her grandfather - total basket case, literally. Her parents were never married. Her father is living with someone he got pregnant - this kid obvoiusly was never taught morals or values. My husband is the adult - I just dont' get it. I hope its as simple and as complicated as a mid life crisis.
It doesn't matter who she is. Doesn't matter what he's going through. And it may not blow over. There is plenty for you to do for you. #1 is quit thinking about what they will or won't do. You cannot control that. You can control Marie only.
Quote:
I am tired of being lied to, disrespected and used. I am tired of being lonely and always wondering if he is with her. I am tired of not being able to trust...but the alternative, I guess, I am not ready to face.
You have to face that you have - for now - lost him to another woman. Your husband is cheating on you - breaking your M vows and taking his family down. So, Marie to H: "I know what you are doing and I will not allow it in this home any longer. You have a choice and you must make it right now. You can either cut off all contact with OW, be transparent with cell phones, email and whereabouts, and go to counseling with me to resurrect our M... OR ... you can leave tonight and I will begin interviewing lawyers Tuesday morning first thing. I will keep your clothes and personal belongings here one week - plenty of time for you to find a place. If you have not picked it all up by then, I will store it in the garage for you. But you may not live here and keep her."
Thanks, Greek you are right. Thanks, everyone. I needed that! I need a big push to do what I know I need to do. I think I haven't becuase I know that he WILL leave, and I am not ready to face that.
He is the type of person that doesn't like being told what to do or given an untimatium - he will do the exact opposite out of spite.
Sandi - you are right - thanks for the advice. I feel a girls night out coming on..let him stay home with the kids, no matter how much he complains about it! And before that,a trip to the salon.
Me:36 H:38 Together: 20 years Married: 16 years Kids: 13 & 10 yr. old Discovered affair: 1/10 H denies affair. Refuses to save marraige. Divorce filed: December 2010
He is the type of person that doesn't like being told what to do or given an untimatium - he will do the exact opposite out of spite
Well then give him what he wants. Tell him YOU want a divorce and YOU do NOT want him anymore and to leave you alone...
If he doesn't like being told what to do and does the exact opposite out of spite, then it seems to me your game plan should be to tell him the exact opposite of what YOU want. Let him think you are telling him the exact opposite of what you want.
