You know, I had a temper problem for most of my life, especially around that time of the month, although that is no excuse. My H and kids put up with it for years. But, they never thought I was a bad person. H started A long after I stopped the temper tantrums. Several years into the marriage, I found a way to stop wanting to always be right, I wanted peace in my home. So, I understand anger, temper, etc. The red fog.
Okay, that's my similarity to you. One thing that disturbs me about your H is that he never actually came to you or tried to get help. He wrote to your mother, but what did she do? Did he ever tell you that he was going behind your back and talking about issues in your M? Yet, he wants you to keep his secrets? Something must've been bothering you for you to be that way. Was you H starting to give signs of retreating from you before you became this "horrible" person.
Give yourself a break and know that not all the problems of the "world" is your fault. Nothing excuses what your H is doing except that it is an addiction, possibly. You cannot cause that, although that may be how he is justifying it in his mind. I wonder how long he has been in this lifestyle? Probably a lot longer than he says and what you know.
No matter how much we think we know the person closest to us, there is always room for secrets. I could not believe the things I discovered about my H. After 24 years of marriage, I still don't truly know him, and I sure don't trust him fully anymore. But that's okay.
Just take a break, calm down, and think things through. You will probably find that most of the badness you attribute to yourself was something he accused you of, which doesn't mean it's true.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Anned82, I am aware of the concept of enabling. My father was a raging alcoholic so the concept is not lost on me.
While apologizing for your role in the breakdown of the marriage is necessary it is also unnecessary to do so more than once. Addicts generally don't take kindly to requests for C'ing so I would not bring that up.
If you are that concerned why not gather your intel and approach his family/friends. Let them know what he has been up to and let them decide how to handle it. Honestly, your H won't take kindly to anything you do right now as he is staunch in his desire to divorce.
You have done lots of reaching over the past week or so. Wasn't it you that started multiple threads asking about having your H watch a DVD to contemplating spending 10K on a meeting with Michelle herself? Please pardon me if I am confusing you with another poster.
You haven't even taken the steps to protect yourself (move him out and change the bank accounts) so you can't begin to speculate what sort of effect that will have on him. Since you have enabled his behavior thus far you can't say for certain what will or will not happen when you stop.
What sort of recovery program will you be going to? When you have enabled an addict you are in need of specialized treatment just like the addict is in need of a special treatment program.
My thing is you haven't done any basic steps and all of a sudden you are jumping to having an intervention professional fly to you and plan this intervention. IMO there has to be something in between.
Everyone is absolutely right. I have a huge problem with getting very upset and then highly overreacting, breaking down, etc. And then I calm down and can think more rationally. Which is what happened in the past several hours. So, I apologize for the multiple posts - I'm sure everyone has been there where for whatever reason it feels like the pain is just so enormous.
Everyone is right. Citygirl you are absolutely right, I know you are. I'm trying to find the strength. I know you are probably getting tired of typing the same things over and over.
This is all so new and I need to learn PATIENCE and I need to learn to forgive myself and move forward. I'm actually really fabulous and that has gotten lost somewhere along the way in the past two years.
I have written out a list of things to discuss with DB coach tomorrow and I'm hoping that she is on the same page with what everyone is saying here as for whatever reason that will make me feel better moving forward and doing those things.
Thank you everyone for listening to me when I freak out and helping to calm me down.
My sister is coming for dinner in a bit during her work break. I will be back (just in case you want to talk or need support). If not that is cool too!
Want to know a secret? For the first time since my early 20's (I am 35 now btw) I am hungover! LOL! Just a little stupid fact to redirect your mind for a minute!
(and yes, I already promised myself and whatever higher power listening I will NEVER drink again!)
Hahah - CityGirl - I hope you feel better, I know that feeling. It is the absolute worst - ugh! Hang in there and enjoy your evening with your sister, you deserve it.
Thank you again for your support, it really means a lot.
Where are you located? I'm on the east coast (DC/VA/MD area) and the weather was just gorgeous today!
Hi Everyone, I needed a day or so break from the forum to really think about things and figure out what I wanted to do. After talking to a therapist and several addiction/mental health professionals I made the decision that to keep husband's sex addiction/compulsivity and alcohol/gambling problems a secret would also be enabling him.
I had a meeting with his parents and told them everything and told them that he needs help. They were very supportive and concerned and on my side. I know everyone on here has had an opinion about what I should or shouldn't do but I want to say that after the meeting I felt free - I felt like I had made the right choice. My husband needs help. I don't claim to think I can save him but I also know that he is in danger and if something happens I would feel guilty knowing I stood by and watched and didn't try.
At this point it is not about our marriage. His parents and I had several phone calls with treatment facilities/interventionists and they are going to meet on their own with a therapist this week and then decide how they want to handle it. That may include just them confronting him or that may be in intervention.
I don't think its possible unless you have gone through it to describe the amount of anguish I was feeling - I was keeping this secret and I couldn't do it anymore.
Right now we have about a two week window we are working in to try and detemerine the next course of action so during that time I'm not going to be switching accounts, I'm really not doing anything that might cause alarm that could disrupt the help we are trying to offer him.
After that time, his course of action will determine my next steps. At this moment, I dont really know what I'm going to do. If he does not get help, I am leaning towards filing right away and siting desertion and adultery. Lawyer said I may be able to get alimony.
I'm still very upset and confused but I don't feel so alone now and I feel like I did the right thing.
Also, I'm not even going to lie. One of my reason for waiting for file would be that currently husband has to pay half of mortgage and utilities. If I file right now thre is a chance I will not get alimony and will lose my home. I almost would want to wait until the last I could so I could continue to live here and formulate more of a plan. My lawyer also said that I can couter-file. So, if for some reason my husband filed before me I could file against him for desertion/adultery which is good to know.
You guys - I really need your help answering an email the husband wrote me today. He wrote me another one last week but I never responded. See below.
"Hey, we should probably talk about a couple things. I never heard back from you on that other e-mail I sent. I was asking about my computer and also the phone situation. Has anything happend with either of those two things?
But there's other stuff we need to work out. First of all, I know we briefly talked about this last week but I would really encourage you to consider letting the two of us use a mediator. It's someone who will be on both of our sides to help sort everything out. I just think that it would be a nightmare situation for both of us if we got attorneys involved and started attacking one another. That's not what I want and I hope it's not what you want either. But I don't know if that's something that you could use through your free legal service. Which brings up something else...
I know you said you were going to but I need to know for sure whether or not you're going to drop me from your insurance/benefits plan. One reason is for the mediator and if I can use that service with you. If not I need to start making other plans. But also my work just switched insurance plans so there is open enrollment going on right now. I just need to know whether or not I should sign up for that.
Another thing is that I need to know if you still plan on being involved with the reunion at all. I know it's stressful right now and I don't want to deal with it either at this point but it's a commitment that I've made so I have to follow through with it. If you don't want to help that's fine but I just need to know. If not maybe I could get an extra key for your mailbox at UPS or if you just want to check it periodically that's fine too. But like I said either way just let me know. Also maybe you could still do the confirmation e-mails? I don't know... just throwing that out there.
Lastly we need to talk about person and person's wedding. I have no idea on what your plans are if you'd still like to go or not. I do, but I'm not really sure how something like this is handled. I've never really done this before so just tell me what you want to do and we can talk about it.
Oh and one last thing is that I was planning on stopping by the house tomorrow to get some things. I'm kind of running out of clothes so I have to pick up some more stuff. Please let me know if that's ok with you. I know you said to let you know so I just didn't want it to catch you off gaurd. I will try and leave some cash for you on the counter. I don't know if you need grocerys or anything like that. I know you said you needed a pair of tennis shoes so I just wanted you to be taken care of. I hope you're doing ok. I know this hasn't been easy for either of us but I think the sooner we hash this stuff out the better. So please try and get back to me as soon as you can on these things. Thanks."
I seriously DO NOT GET HIM! Why are you leaving me money? Leave me alone!
Here is the email I think I should write. Please keep in mind that I am still trying to DB. I used to the the "aggressor" in the marriage and do everythign for him.
Hi WH,
Your clothes and computer are packed and sitting by the front door for you to take tomorrow.
I care about your health and will leave you on my insurance. Unfortunately, I am unable to help you with any legal services.
I committed to helping with the reunion and that has not changed. I will leave the UPS key for you on the counter to take tomorrow. I am still able to send confirmation emails, if needed.
I will be attending person and person's wedding.
I appreciate the offer to leave cash but that is not necessary. In several weeks my packcheck will transfer to a seperate account. I would also like to take over paying the bills and remove you from the joint billing account. Your paycheck would still go into the "joint checking account" and your bill/mortgage portion would transfer into the joint billing account. My paycheck will deposit into a seperate account. In terms of the credits cards in your name you can continue to pay those from your account.
No necessarily disagreeing with you but want to look at it in terms of 180. Typically in the relationship I could be "mean" and also I was aggressive. Do you think that by giving simple "yes" and "no" answers that it comes across as "cold"?
Also, some of those statements I can't give a yes or no answer.
Help me out with an email! What do you think of what I wrote?
