I went in to make my younger one some dinner and W noticed that I probably looked a bit distraught and asked me "What?" I said, "Nothing. I don't have anything to say - maybe next week." She kept probing me for what I had to say, but I stuck to "Ask me next week." (I'm thinking after my D's birthday party.) She said, "If it's about my future, I need to know about it." But I just left the room.
Excellent -- let her twist.
It's not your job to make her feel good about her poor decisions, and deceit.
Yup... Ken just keep doin the TSO... You want to send a clear message to her with your actions that you know she's in contact and you are ACTING on it, you aren't threatening her, negotiating, begging, or pursuing her anymore... She breaks the house up, you ACT to protect it...
She will learn there are consequences for her behaviuor... She will confront you about the TSO, just tell her the same thing as before...
You are protecting your family The affair is hurting everyone in this house End the affair and participate in therapy Until the affair is over you just leave in order to protect these children
that is a clear simple message she needs to hear REPETITIVELY and CONSISTENTLY from you when she challenges you... Do not just walk up to her and say this.. wait for her to ask why you are filling out the TSO and then you hit her with the reality script above
And its ironic that she is asking you to be honest about things that affect her... When your wife reciprocates fairly then she's entitled to know what you are doing...
Right now you are just shutting her out.. GOOD... She needs to learn that when you cheat, you are OUT of the LOOP and you don't get back in until you clean up your mess
Actually, yes, I do think I have done some damage to the affair through exposure, getting a protective order that says OM cannot come to my house, and laying it on the line a couple of weeks ago with the TSO papers. I think these are the things that have helped my sitch the most. I don't think W and OM have been trying to get together lately, just talking on the phone in spite of promises not to. I think that I have managed to take much of the romance out of it too. I would also say that this board is mostly what inspired me to do those things.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
OK, so now you know how to do damage to the affair, do more of it... Just keep up the pace and keep pushing your wife.. don't let their secret run overlong... I would call OM and tell him to knock it off.. dont ask him if he's keeping is word, just tell him to get lost and you aren't an idiot.
He thinks you trust him and that he has you fooled... call him up again and talk to his wife, put some pressure on his end again... Don't let them play this secret phone game... call them on it
They talked on the phone again this morning. My wife goes into the bathroom and locks the door to talk to him on her cell phone. I can easily unlock it if I want. Should I go in and interrupt their call when that happens? That would not be a pretty scene.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Lay a boundary, Ken. "No calling your boyfriend from inside our marital home. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage. If you can't control yourself, then take it outside."
This is what I told my wife, and she did obey the boundary. She'd even stand outside IN THE RAIN, talking to him on her cellphone, but at least she wasn't doing it from inside our home.
